Carolina

Gold

Charcoal

Royal

Cardinal

Orange

Maroon

Purp

Scarlett

Kush

Navy

White

1. Carolina

Carolina is by far the best team in the league captained by Rob Henricks and Dir (Ridge) McClintock aka the splash bros. Switching picks with Schmitt and Kweder saved our entire draft. Picking up Brady “lockdown” Bartusiak in the first round was a steal and a half. He will produce on both sides of the ball and hold your star players to single digits. Jack “the workhorse” Myers is gonna be a terror. Zach “Python Packin” Ehasz is an athletic player who will get us boards and layups as well as the lockdown D. Jake “Fuckin Unit” Lapinski is gonna lockdown every big man and be a bully on the boards. Ty “Roadrunner” Riemer is fast as hell and will get us some fast break layups. Baden “Exact copy of Mitch” Friday is a very athletic kid and a knockdown shooter, all in all a great pickup. Noah “Nice Guy” Gordley was an ABSOLUTE STEAL of a pick, and Marshall “I’m better than my brother” Howe looks 12, but is a hell of an athlete. Expecting a title run from this team.

2. Gold

Sadly gold is a pretty damn good team. It’s captained by Max “I won’t shut up” Mandler and Jack “can’t decide if I’m dating her or not” Urban. These two drafted pretty well given their last pick in the draft and probably will have a successful season if they can keep each other’s dicks out of their mouths. They first picked up Alex “I couldn’t give enough D so she went on a rampage” Jones who is honestly a good pick. He can knock down shots on O, but not sure about the D yet. Jackson “The worse brother” Howe might rebound but Marshall is gonna show him up this year in every other way.  Ethan “pebbles” Rocks is tall and I’ve heard he is good at ball but I think Jack just wants to suck him off after Max. Aiden “Pat” houck will knock down threes, and Ryan “birdman” Higgs will be able to distribute and run the floor. These two are sneaky players. Aaron “send the ball into orbit” Brody (you’ll see), Max “who tf is this” Bywalski, and Rohit “not the little fuck” Sattuluri were the last picks. They won’t do much. Hopefully this team doesn’t dominate so we don’t have to hear Max talk about it for the next decade. 

3. Charcoal

This team is captained by Jake “please take me back” Casey and Josh “Have I been given more std’s or cars” Brufsky. Hopefully Brufsky will be able to come to all the games and not have to miss a few for gambling rehab. Their first pick was questionable with Brandon “I’ll grab your cheeks even if you say no” Liokareas who sucks I don't know why they took him in the first round. Next they got Josh “yes I played football” Howard who is a great guy but no chance he’s good at basketball. Matt “chode” Russell and Nick “PJ you’re a pussy” Tanner are some scrappy players but will turn the ball over every other possession. Nico “I’m shorter than my sister” Amatangelo is a decent athlete but won’t do much. Lastly Drew “I wouldn’t have any friends if I didn’t live alone” Blodgett. He is only here to provide his captains and lio with some cooch. This team has the chance to be good, but loyalty is going to be a huge issue. 

4. Royal

Royal is led by Nikita “The Czar” who is a damn good ball player and one hilarious dude. Unfortunately for him his co is Tucker “I look like a squid” Neal who is a pretty good shooter but is unathletic. This team is basically just full of average athletes but great guys. Their first pick was Eddie “Steve” Albert who is one hell of a guy but probably won’t do too much besides bang a few threes. Matt “Plateau’d in 5th grade” Haverlack would’ve been a good pick 7 years ago but he has one of the most broken jumpers in the league. Then they got fucking Nick “wowowweewow” Chimento. God knows why they got him this high. He is tall, just a little slow. Tyler “how is this man a lineman” Super probably won’t do a damn thing for this team but is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. Next they got Dhruv “tits are” Saggi and Wolfram “I was drafted for my name” Schmidt. I don’t know anything about these two but they have some of the best names in the league. If this team gets hot late in the season, they might be able to make a playoff run.

5. Cardinal

Cardinal is led by Connor “big sexy” Schmitt, who is a tank and a half, but might need oxygen running up and down the court. Jordan “make a wish minutes” Kweder, will be a good ball player along with Koby “brick a three” Markovitz which was a good pick because he can knock down some shots and has a high basketball IQ. In the second round they got Gordon “Mini nick tanner” Groninger which is a SHOCK of a second rounder...buddy will probably dribble around the court then cry when he bricks a layup. Next was Hunter “ants in my pants” Hanna and Hunter “schroek is love schroek is life” Schroek. Cardinal is gonna be raining from 3, but their lack of speed will come back to bite them in the ass.

6. Orange

Holy sweaty. Will “my wing review scores are higher than my ppg” Engel and Brandon “big booty B” Coe are very average to below average players but drafted pretty sweat heavy. Their first pick, Nick “I’m my girlfriend’s rag doll” Derubeis, is actually a nice guy and a very good ball player, but he just screams D bag at first glance. Ben “stay away from me when we lose” Bacdayan is one competitive man and will smother you with his pace. Jesus “How is my ego bigger than me” segura is just a worse, shorter version of Ben and will also smother you until you’re gassed. Not sure who Greyson “teddy” Bayer is, but after was Nate “you’re lucky we can’t write about sisters” Rising. The kid’s had it tough because he keeps getting pounded like someone else he may know, but he’s a decent athlete. Peter “BDE” Engel is a great last pick. Great use of the brother reserve by wengel. We think that this team will get some wins but after their starting five it just goes downhill fast. 

7. Maroon

Frankie and Boob. What an interesting team we have here from Franco “Francesco” D’amico, who might skip a few games to be a romantic mf with a later draft picks sister, and Triston “Dude don’t worry I’ll get her by sweek'' Schaffer, the guy who loves boobs. Their first pick was the infamous JJ “dude I’m taking the girls  home so I can drive them around for 20 minutes and make them uncomfortable” Cuddy who will crash the boards hard, so good luck if you’re in his way. He’s gonna break you like a pipe in the rec center gym. After JJ was Jake “I look goth” Howard who is a good pickup and a tall body for this team. Then they got Johnny “Anna” Mcshane, David “nips'' Goldberg, and Cole “my sister is more athletic than I am” Lang, who don’t seem terrible. Rounding out this squad is Tanav, who I’ve heard is an absolute bucket. Triston needs to take 95% of the shots for this team to be good, so hopefully his back can make it through the grind of the season.

8. Purp

What a group of lads we have here captained by the one and only Gavin “tree trunk” Fitz, who is a sneaky one and has potential to drop numbers every night, and Ryan “what time” Mckeever, who probably won’t show up until halftime, but otherwise is pretty good and big. They first got Charlie “step stool” ebs who is a very good athlete and a great guy, but I don’t know much about his basketball skills. Next was Jack “there’s a stick in my ass” Shearer who is a good pick and can rain threes, but his hip limits him from any movement. Peter “Strap” Janowski can shoot very well but other than that don’t see much potential. They finished up with Charlie “chuck” Stohl, a great guy, and Quinn “Q dawg” Fitz, who probably are not gonna do shit but I love Q. Purp has a lot of potential, but will most likely flop that’s why they’re 8.

9. Scarlett.  

Scarletts captains are Drew “only relevant when talking about sports” Conwell and Ethan “mute” Hancock. Two very nice guys, but Conwell is gonna have a hard time doing anything other than the occasional splash from the white line. First they picked Mateo “dude let’s talk about cheeks” Cepullio who is a great athlete and finds a way to get it in on and off the court. Conwell claims Connor “dad bod” O’Neill is good, but we know his takes aren’t the best. Marcus “GUMMY” Fennel is a BIG body but will have a tough time getting up and down the floor. 

10. Kush

Cyrus “ghost mode” Khani, who disappeared off the face of the earth, and Gavin “I look like I’m constantly baked” Wyland are the captains of this team. They will be on pluto while playing, so I do not see them making many shots. They first picked Billy “did you know I miss my gf” Salapow, who is a pretty decent baller, but will be distracted by the thought of going to Dayton to see his girl. Liam “el chapo” Szajnecki is hella tall and a funny man, but might slide the refs a couple thousand. Donovan “warmer” Kohler is very uncoordinated, but he will take you out with some Tai-Kwon-Doe if you get caught talking smack. Watch Out. Bryan “skeigler” Scanlan can splash some threes, but Mike “I can’t realize that nobody actually likes me” barbarita is going to hog the ball because is good he thinks he’s good. Kush pretty much sucks and I’m taking purp in the kush bowl

11. Navy

Good god this team sucks. First of all their captains are Aeden “kiss me and we’ll be cool” moss and Dom “Friendzoned by the same girl 4 times” Egizio. He tries so hard to get girls that I genuinely wish he would succeed. All he wants is someone to carve pumpkins with, and he gets friendzone after friendzone. He already moved to the Peters girls, but even they won’t give the poor man a chance. Look for him to skip a few quarters simping to someone he will never get. Their first pic was Zach “Kylie owns me” Fairful and I don’t know why they took him at THIRD OVERALL. Zach is a nice man, but he’s not nice at basketball. Expect a lot of bricks. Later they got Aaron “humpty dumpty” Lattner, a sneaky ball player, Jacob “good guy” Lucas, and David “I hope the student section thinks I’m cool” dedes. Navy is pretty bad but hopefully Dom’s basketball game is much better than his game with any girl. Good lord you’d think going to Blodgetts brothel would get this kid some play but no. 

12. White

Sam dude you had the first pick and still put together a sorry ass team. Sam “hey babe I’m commissioner of the turkey bowl wanna come?” Phillips is god awful at the game of basketball but he's such a nice guy. And kristian “my sister has a caboose” Karadis is also pretty bad and won’t do much. Their first pick, Sohum “Bollywood baller” Shankar, is an animal and a menace on the court, great first pick. Then it went south starting with Kyle “just graduated preschool” Kerber who isn’t a bad pick but is still waiting for that growth spurt. Next was Zain “Fatima mi amore” Aizooky who has splash ability but also won’t do much else sorry brotha. Andrew “trombone” Higgs is worse than his younger brother but has some height. Sam this is bad please go to a doctor it looks like you break your arm every time you shoot the ball.

Rankings:

1. Charcoal

2. Gold 

3. Cardinal 

4. Carolina 

5. Royal 

6. Scarlet 

7. White 

8. Maroon 

9. Orange 

10. Navy 

11. Kush 

12. Purp

1. Charcoal 

This team is by far the most talented team in the league. To start it off we have, Jake Casey. Not only is he a freak on the diamond and in the batter's box, but also on the court. He’s a combination of KD, LeBron, and Jordan. Next, we have the co-captain Josh “if it hits tho” Brufsky. He is the type of guy you want on the court. He is physical and not scared to get dirty if he has to. Now we have our number one pick Brandon “I swear I’m different in the games” Liokareas. He played a pretty solid first game and we’d love to see more of that this season. Josh “I play LAX” Howard, is a very solid player and a steal in this draft. Now our steal second rounder, Matt Russell. Very solid player who takes good quality shots and is a good aset on this team. Now we got Nick “spawner” Tanner. He’s gonna be very good on this team, solid 2nd PG that moves well and can handle the ball with ease. Drew “I do have a dad” Blodgett. He really knows the game and also knows how to play. Now Bennet “shooter” Henderson. He puts up nice shots and can put points up on the board when we need them. Last but not least we have Nico “buckets” Amatangelo. He’s mainly known for his sister but he’ll come in clutch in big situations. 

2. Gold 

The two spot belongs to the Gold team. Starting it off we have Max “doesn’t know when to shut up” Mandler. Overall a really good player but is an idiot. At the end of the season I can’t wait to see him go ginger. Now we got Jack “but I can’t break up with her” Urban. Another solid player but then I remember that he’s on the golf team so he’s not a threat. Next, we got Alex “didn’t do enough for Ellie” Jones. The only reason why he hits some of his shots is because he needs to make up for all of the missed shots that he has with the ladies. Ethan “I never got curved” Rocks. Here's another golfer, at least Jack doesn’t get hurt while doing it unlike this kid. Absolutely no threat on the court. Ryan Higgs. I don’t have much to say about him, he can hit some shots, but, from seeing what his brother does on the court, this kid is no threat. The rest of the team doesn’t matter because Max and Jack are going to score all their points and probably get with each other after every game. But, either way Max and Jack will never both be on their game. One is always gonna brick at least 5 of their shots.

3. Cardinal

               Most underrated team in the league no doubt. First we got Jordan “solid JV player but couldn’t make varsity” Kweder, don’t let this dude fool you, he can shoot, that’s all. Next we got Connor “quicksand” Schmidt, I think a normal human being can crawl faster than this dude can run. Solid player tho, he will give u buckets for sure. Next we got Koby Markovitz, he is the steal of the draft for sure. This dude is a lights out shooter, probably better than John Sukernukif we are being honest. Next we got Gordon Groniger, I have no idea who this dude is, all I know is that his sister has a wagon. Another good pick this team had was Hunter Hannah, this dudes a fckin spaz, he is a good athlete, but this dude won’t average more than 4 points a game. Next we got Connor O’Neil, I heard this guy can play, but in reality he probably sucks. Another solid pick from these guys was Marcus Fennel, this dudes a Unit, I’d love to see him and Schmitt race, I think we’d all pay to watch that one. Next Simon Andreas, he’s aight, but irrelevant to this team in so many ways. Then we got Sammy “mouse” Moss, if u never met this kid and had to guess what grade we was in, you’d probably say 3rd grade. When is this dude gonna hit puberty, for real, he’s very far behind. Then we got Jake Zeh, nothing to say about him, I guess we will see what this bum does on the court. If Kweder and Koby hit their shots, this team is almost unbeatable. 

4. Carolina

Arguably the best looking team on paper, but once u see them hit the court, you’ll see that they are dogshit. The captains on this team are Rob and Ridge. First, Rob “balding” Henricks. There’s a lot I can say about this kid, but I won’t take it too far. On top of that, he just isn’t good at the game of basketball whatsoever, he will be lucky to score more than 10 points a game. Ridge “I do as I’m told” Mclintock. One of the captains has some game… He doesn’t. All I have to say is one word. Lexi. Next, we got Sohum “Indian KD” Shankar. Honestly I don’t know why this kid didn’t try out for the HS team. He's a straight baller and there is no guarding him.Now for, Zach “I’m not related to Chase” Ehaz. When I first saw this kid I thought it was Chase Rosenberry and I thought to myself, this kid's good, but I was wrong, this kid is not a threat whatsoever. This team has a lot of depth but it doesn’t matter because most of the team will never step foot on the court. 

5. Royal

            This team really ain’t all that bad, we got a very underrated captain duo with Tucker and Nikita. These dudes can ball, Tucker “Melon Head” Neal, this kid can play basketball, but once you get someone good to guard him, he won’t do shit. Next we got Nikita, this dudes got one hell of an ugly jumper, but he’s a great guy and he can flat out play the game of basketball. This man lowkey has some bunnies, watch out. Next we got Eddie “Baby Face” Albert, probably the most average basketball player I’ve ever seen, but he gets it done. Another decent draft pick they got was Matt “finished growing in 6th grade” Haverlack, this guy probably won’t do much besides snag a couple rebounds and turn the ball over. Next, Nick Chimento, how is someone so big and tall, yet so unathletic? I guess we’ll never know the answer to that question. Next pick was Tyler “not so super” Super, all I heard is about this kid is that he’s very bad, so that’s all I have to say, great dude though. Next, Dhruv Saggi, who tf is this dude? After this Nikita and Tucker drafted a few more no name sophomores, then lastly we got Mike Menard, whenever this dude touches the ball, it’s like he got just electrocuted, his body doesn’t know how to react, pretty much an automatic turnover. I don’t understand how a human can be so bad at something.

6. Scarlet

    Man don’t even get me started on this team. We start it off with Drew “certified scrub” Conwell. If this dude says the words “certified scrub” again, I think we all might jump off a bridge . If we are being honest, he sucks. He claims he averaged 12 rebounds last year but he can barely jump higher than a piece of paper, dude can barely touch the net and he’s 6’2. Now we got Mateo “All I do is run” Cepullio. Overall really like this kid, very athletic and congrats on your first D1 offer for baseball. It’s too bad that Akron is absolute dog shit and they’ll ruin your career like Jacksonville will do to Trevor Lawrences’. Now for Danny “waterboy” Murphy. He’s the waterboy for the HS team because he knows that's the closest he’ll get to real basketball. Not much more to say about these bums, ranking them at 6 is the best thing that’ll happen to them all year. I’d be surprised if they won more than 1 game. 

7. White 

    Surprisingly this team isn’t last in our rankings, and tbh I don’t know how you can be worse than this team. To start it off we have Sam “looks homeless” Phillips. I see this kid all the time in the gym during school putting up shots trying to get better. Lets just say that he needs to try a lot harder because his jump shot is worse than Travis Scotts. Now we got Kristian “I do belong in horny jail” Karidis. Honestly I do like this kid but he just doesn’t know when to stop. And I don’t know how any chick finds him attractive cuz he looks exactly like slenderman. I don’t know anyone else on this team but it really doesn’t matter because they’re not gonna help this team win any games this season. 

8. Maroon

    Oh where to start where to start. Honestly, this team could’ve been way lower on our rankings but I’m being very generous right now. These are two captains that we have the most questions about, with no answers to. Will they shock the league? Or will they be a huge disappointment? We’ll find out at the end of the season I guess. First we got Triston “biggest simp known to man” Schaffer. This dude chases 10s when we all know he can’t pull anything better than a 6, but when it comes to basketball, he’s pretty good. He will most likely brick at least 5 shots a game, but he gets buckets. Next Frank “cock” Damico, this dude doesn’t care about basketball and probably won’t do anything, but I respect the hell out of the guy. Their first pick was JJ Cuddy, if I had the nickname Gayj, I’d probably wanna die, but I guess this guy likes it (and men too apparently). This dude gets boards though and he will be the X factor on this team. Next, we have Jake “I swear I’m better than my brother” Howard. This kid could go either way. He has some talent from his parents, but most of it went to his brother. He can either score and get boards or just be absolute dog shit. We’ll never know. All I know is that his rec team won’t do nearly as good as his fantasy football team. Now we got Tyson “irrelevant” Swigart. Me and the gold team don’t usually agree on things but we do about this kid. If you have to put varsity lacrosse in your IG bio then we know that you’re nothing but a benchwarmer. Absolutely don’t like this kid. And I’m sure when I actually see him I’ll hate him more because there’s no way you look good with a name like that. Don’t really know what to say about the other kids, not like they’re gonna make this team any better anyway. Might make them worse but who knows. 

9. Orange 

    Orange has some potential this year but for the most part they’re one of the worst teams in the league. To start it off we have Brandon “Meathead” Coe. He’s a great kid and a great athlete on the football field of course. But once he steps on the court he looks like a chicken with his head cut off. Also, someon e needs to drug test this guy because he’s definitely on roids. The other captain is Will “Wings Review” Engel. Now Will is a great guy and there is nothing bad to say about him. He’s a great athlete and might be pretty underrated but damn we need more wing reviews. Now we got Nick “she doesn’t leave me alone” Derubeis. He has a decent shot but people only know this kid for his smoke show of a girl friend. Next we got Jesus “my ego is bigger than I am” Segura. Jesus’s only contribution to this team will be his ability to talk shit even though he will never be able to back it up. Now for Nate “my sister’s the GOAT” Rising. Lets see if he can go back to back like he’s Jordan ‘96 - ‘97 too... The rest of the team is irrelevant so I won’t even waste my time on them. 

10.) Navy

This team is awful. How did the league even let these retards Dom and Aedan be captains together. First we got Dom “I swear I get bitches” Egizio, he's a 6’1” light skin with a perm and still manages to be one of the worst athletes I’ve ever seen. Dont let this man fool you, he gets negative play.Next we got Aedan “shorty” Moss. Don’t really know much about him but all I know is that he’s small and unathletic. Usually a small guy works well with a pretty decent tall guy, it just sucks that both of these guys are absolute trash. You know, this team should be lower on our ranks but the other two teams are just too bad to put anyone lower than them. I heard that Drake Wangler and Zach Fairfull are the best players on this team. Shit, maybe they should’ve been captains I bet they would’ve had a better draft than these 2 bums. But for the other kids, it doesn’t matter they’re just as bad as all the other kids and won’t make a difference for this team. 

11.) Kush

    This team really proves they are worthy of the Kush name. Possibly the worst captain duo in the league. First we got Cyrus “who?” Khani. I haven't seen this kid since he stopped throwing parties freshman year. Then we got Gavin “Perma-fried” Wyland. Yev is a great guy but that doesn’t make up for his below average skills. Next we got Billy “Dude I swear Iz is hot” Salapow. Billy is probably the best player on this team but will never be able to prove it because of the kush…. Jersey, but hell it can’t make this team worse. After that we got Donovan “___” Kohler, I know nothing about this guy other than he won’t do shit for this team. Now we got Bryan “SKEEGS” Scanlan, who will throw up a few points in the game but not enough to have this team win a game. After that we got Nik “I wish that was a typo” Cagni. This kid will be too busy hiding his sesh from Blart and (damn this seems to be a trend) won’t do shit for his team. Next we got Brayden “Why is this kid on Kush” Lucas, he’s a nice guy and might throw up a few buckets but probably not. Now up we got Evan “No we can’t lower the rims” Taylor. I’ve heard this kid is an athlete and pretty fast which is definitely a change for this team but after finding this kids old Ig account he should feel lucky this is all I’m saying about him. Finally we got Micky B, this kid might be the most hated kid on the court and won’t do shit for his team. His only attribute is his shit talking, which might be the only words said by this team because the majority of them will be on mars the whole game. All I can say boys is remember to put the eye drops in before the games and make sure you know what basket you're supposed to shoot on.

12.) Purp

    You can’t get any worse than this team. This is the worst of the worst. To start it off we got Ryan “Freshman year celeb” Mckeever. Ryan is a good player with a lot of size and can definitely have a good season. Too bad he had a shitty draft and drafted a horrible team. The second half of this shitty duo is Gavin “holy shit when did this guy grow” Fitz. Standing at a little over 6 foot and still 92 pounds this kid will have a problem with the wind from all the airballs this team will put up. Now we got Charlie “tuff guy” Eberly. Ever wonder how he became so “strong”? Ask Grace, she’ll tell you, he’s basically her bitch. Now up, Jack “Lives in Brandons shadow” Shearer. He wants to hit a parlay so badly just like Bruf so he doesn’t have to drive around that shitty minivan of his any longer. Next we have Dexter “rec legend” Stamm. This kid bleeds, sweats, and crys rec basketball. All he does is look forward to the rec season. Too bad he will never be over 5’7” and be a threat on the court. The other kids don’t even matter because they’re not gonna have a positive nor negative impact on this team. They are T-R-A-S-H, trash trash trash!

1. Navy
2. Gold
3. Carolina
4. Charcoal 
5. Royal
6. Maroon
7. Cardinal
8. Orange
9. Kush 
10. Purp
11. Scarlett
12. White 
    1. Navy
    You’re probably asking yourself “why the hell is this team ranked at first?”. That’s because the game speaks for itself. Led by fellow captain Aedan “Mr. Mini Smooch” Moss, brings a lot to the table. Despite the lacking height of only 5 feet and maybe an inch to his name, he’s a menace on defense and will absolutely clamp you up and could even foul out a few times. As the other captain you have myself, dom, who for some reason is heavily slept on but wtf am I supposed to do about that, I’m a tall skinny ass italian lightskin with the stomach of an 88 year old. But I’m easily a top 3 defender in this league and will splash on you from the white line you just won’t see it coming. To continue, this team is loaded with talent, most notably with our first pick, Zachary “big boobie suckin” fairfull. This man is just an animal in the paint and is the true board man of the league. After that we went with Jacob “this kid better be good” Hufnagel. This was our second round choice and some may say we took him too early but the potential that we see in this kid is unreal. Next up is Drake “bucket from the 3pt line” Wangler. Saw this kid all last year and he was pulling up from anywhere. Now for the team sleeper, Aaron “slllllatttner” Lattner. Dudes wet asf from anywhere on the court and is a great team player. Brings great team chemistry as well and he also fully understands that Uzi is the goat which is exactly the type of energy this team wants and has. Jacob “going to outsmart you” Lucas was a great pickup for this team and we traded for him right after the draft. Lastly, Daniel “I have a smart ass sister” Seewald and David “I’m pretty short and love Twitter” Dedes are just great additions to this menace of a team. Enough said. 

 2. Gold

Oh boy look at this team. They pretty good ngl I’ll give them that. We have captains Max “id prolly pipe my own mother tbh” Mandler and Jack “tiger woods” Urban. Max is talented but could be the biggest pussy to walk earth. Team may end up depending on him but he’s easy to piss off so that’s good. Jack is long asf (pause) and has some handles and might be good on defense. This is a great captain duo at the end of the day. Now, this team actually thought it was a good idea to draft Alex “I literally know every fucking thing ever” Jones. Don’t get me started on this kid, he’s like 5’3, has ZERO talent and thinks he’s a human thesaurus. If you ever need to know anything give this kid a call im serious. The only thing I can give him is that he’s gotten with a very solid line up of bitches. Next is Jackson “I look special” Howe. This kid cannot hoop you can tell by the way he walks, also just ugly asf. Have fun with this kid max. This team then chose Ethan “unathletic piece of shit” rocks. He’s pretty tall seems like a 7 footer but that’s all he has going for him.  Next up is Aiden “Pat” Houck. This is a huge piece for this team, very solid pick. Then they got like Ryan “better than my cartoon ass looking brother” Higgs, and I hear that he’s wet from 3 so that’s nice. The rest of this team has some solid role players so good job. 

 3. Carolina

Ahhhh Carolina that’s a sexy color. Look at this team. Let’s start with captains Robbie “balding but 10/10 personality” Henricks and Ridge “my girlfriend spits in my ass crack” McClintock. Rob is wet from the 3pt line and I have nothing but respect for this guy, he’s a solid player but definitely sucks ass at defense. Ridge aka Dir is just an absolute fuck face who can maybe hoop just a tad but he is nothing to be worried about. This kid also smells like shit. This team took Jack “advanced math class since 2nd grade” Myers. That’s a great pick in my eyes. Something about these feisty soccer players man, they always are a problem on the court somehow. Then its Brady “why the fuck am I always tan” Bartusiak. Apparently you got cut from the actual team so you signed up for rec, this sucks a lot for you since you aren’t going to contribute a single thing to your team sorry bout it. This team has Zack “two moms” Ehasz. We almost drafted this guy but thought we should let him flourish somewhere else, this is a solid pick, just tell him to not bring his dick hungry thots to the games. Then they have Marshall “why did my parents give me this name” Howe. Rob I hope you teach this kid something good to help your team. The rest of this team has decent players but not decent enough to give a review about, good luck this year and fuck u Dir. 

 4. Charcoal

Aight here we go look at this team full of dumbasses. First it’s captain Jake “she won’t even find out I promise” Casey. He quit hooping for the school but that only made it a problem for the rest of us bc this man is hard as fuck to guard. Pretty talented at basketball but his team depends on him. The other captain Josh “my body count is higher than my field goal %” Brufsky. Honestly bro don’t even bother coming to your games, just go play some EDM and find some more bitches instead, your team don’t need you I promise. This team decided to take Brandon “I don’t have a condom but” Liokareas. Lio, youre pretty tall and could definitely help this team. Will you be the rise of this team? Will you be the fall of this team? Why the hell is your sister so attractive? So many questions with too little answers. Notably, charcoal was able to snag Drew “brewster” Blodgett. Not much to say about you brotha, you have some handles and know how to pass, just work on finishing (on and off the court). Next we have Matt “I need to cut my pussy ass hair” Russ. You live in your brothers shadow but that must have helped you a little bit bc you can definitely shoot the ball pretty well. Short and ugly too. Josh “tall and useless” Howard. Just get rebounds for your team bc other than that you can’t do a single thing and that really sucks since you’re like 6’3 with no abilities. Oh my god this team took Nick “I’m actually pretty good at soccer” Tanner. You’re nice at soccer and that’s good and all, I just feel bad for you bc you don’t really know how to pass the ball and you’re like 5’2 which has to suck a lot fr. Also teach your brother how to use Google “Meat”.. Jake have fun with this scrawny fucker being a ball hog. You guys took a kid named Bennett, is he in 1st grade? You also took Livs brother which is cool, I expect some decency out of this team.

 5. Royal

This team is definitely the dark horse of the league. First up is captain Nikita “I’ll throw up in your mothers car” Knobel. Top 5 player in the league for sure and could be the first player this year to catch a whole ass body on the court. Then it’s captain Tucker “oh let me just drive into this tree” Neal. Tucker you can definitely hoop and I don’t have too much to rip on you about. He will score on you in the paint. They picked up Eddie “how are you not black?” Albert. First of all, your punnet square got fucked, being actually black woulda been sick asf. You can hoop. Haha man this team was able to get Matt “qwik” haverlack. Matthew has quite the skill set and could hit you with a sneaky sky hook so watch out, nothing above average tho. Royal took Nick “what the fuck” Chimento. Have fun with this kid nikita. After that it’s Tyler “don’t let my last name fool you” Super. Decent at best, makes a great waste of space on the court, a very nice guy tho.  Next up is Dhruv “Gahndi” Saggi. Now listen this kid is young and pretty talented. He’s pretty short but will surprise you on the court, he’s a bucket fr. Oh boy this team was lucky enough to pick up Mike “how is my sisters ass this fat” Menard. Mike you can’t do much on the court but I already know that you will help this team tremendously in the locker room. The last two kids on this team is a mf named Wolfram and someone who’s last name is actually “Poop”. That’s all. 

 6. Maroon

Maroon is a very interesting team. Led by captain Triston “why is getting over a girl I can’t even hookup with so hard” Schaffer. Honestly he can ball a decent amount and he’s pretty tall, but if he turns it over he will get depressed as fuck and won’t get over it for another month. Love you Boob. The other captain is Franco “FaZe Apex” D’amico. Franco, idk if you’re even nice at ball anymore but you were in 6th grade. Get out ur lil whiteboard and go calculate the circumference of all your meatballs. Maroon took JJ “gay best friend” Cuddy. Now JJ is known to be the board man and it’s true, he can get rebounds. The sad truth is that that’s his only ability when it comes to this sport. After that this team picked up Jake “waste of height” Howard. Another waste of height in the league, this kid is a scrub with zero talent. Tyson “not Mike” Swigart, a kid that might be a decent ball handler at best but other than that has nothing to contribute to this team. Johnny “Anna” Mcshane. Who even knows what this kid is about, he is probably average at best but could even end up being straight garbo. Next up is Cole “my future brother in law is my captain” Lang. I don’t know too much about you but just don’t piss off Franco or do anything dumb. Then they got Landon “below average at life” York. Young kid with not much talent but he might make a few passes here and there. After that it’s David “Ratatouille looking ass” Goldberg. You are a below average sophomore and have an ugly ass jumper. Lastly, this team has Tanav “NAV”. You’re a scrub but you’re name is almost NAV so that’s cool I fw him a lot fr. 

 7. Cardinal

The next team on this list is Cardinal. Their captains are Conner “Carl from Jimmy neutron” Schmitt and Jordan “I quit ball for the school bc the bench loves me” Kweder. Conner is a beast and has been since 3rd grade, but this dude is slower than slow even when it’s free Burger King on the other end of the court. Jordan has very good range and can rain threes for infinity. Sucks ass on defense and is only a shooter tho. With this teams first pick they chose Koby “I can’t rn I’m at an NBA game” Markovitz. Koby you have some great talent and are a threat to this league, top 10 player easily. Gordon “hes a good sophomore” Groninger. This kid is talented for sure and he’s definitely gonna be a problem to some teams, solid pick. Then this team decided to take two kids named hunter, what the fuck. Hunter “not Montana” hannah and hunter “shreck” Schroeck. Both absolutely useless players who have zero coordination on the court, nice job here Conner (not). The rest of this team is full of scrubs and tbh not even worth writing a review about. This captain duo with koby is very powerful, but they have no other players who are going to touch the ball let alone score. Decent team tho.

 8. Orange 

This color is honestly so ugly, but that shit doesn’t matter to captains Will “Mr. Wholesome” Engel and Brandon “b” Coe. Will has developed his game over the years. He went from ass to less ass, this kid is nothing special and you have absolutely not much to worry about at all. Brandon on the other hand.. is also pretty mid at this sport but he is very big (pause) and can body you in the post so watch out for that. With this teams first pick they took Nick “Haley’s dildo” DeRubis. Nick you can play basketball, youre tall and athletic as well so this is obviously good for you and your team, best player on the team I respect it. Ben “business casual” bacdayan, is annoying to guard bc he plays soccer and we know how annoying that is. Nice pick. Next up is Jesús “why the fuck is my ego this big” Segura. This kid has a pretty outstanding ego for being 5’4 which is impressive, but how can you even back it up. You are so ass at basketball it’s not even funny but I guess we’ll see how you perform this year. Greyson “hockey” Bayer. You think you are good at basketball bc you can make 3 shots in a row while shooting around. You’re a fucking scrub with no game whatsoever but have fun trying i guess. Next up is.. uh oh. Nate “I feel bad at this point” Rising. Nate sweetie, I bet you are having fun reading these reviews. Just know it’s all jokes kinda, and I’m sure you’ll be fine on the court this year as long as your ball handling skills are half as good as your sisters. Then this team got Peter “probably better than Will” Engel. Peter is a mid level talent and a player that you most certainly cannot sleep on, he has game. Great addition and way to elaborate on some brotherly love. Lastly it’s garrett Z and Will closer. Both bums that are just going out there to have some fun this year, good luck to orange. 

 9. Kush

Where do you even start with this atrocity of a team. Led by captains Cyrus “high” Khani and Gavin “higher” Wyland. When it comes to Cyrus you really never know what you are going to get. He maybe has some abilities but we will never fully know this mans full potential due to certain substances off the court. You can say the exact same thing about Wyland, just a bit worse. He will definitely show up to his games very late or very early. Billy “chill asshole” Salapow. You have great knowledge of basketball and can hoop to a pretty decent level, but you still are definitely not as good as you think. You also love Uzi so I wish you the best of luck this year. Liam “dirty money” Szajnecki. Kid has been tall asf his entire life and uses that to his advantage, of course, but that’s damn near about all you get with this giraffe ass mf. Next up is Donovan “moves like a special penguin” Kohler. I love this guy I really do but don’t bother guarding him it’s pretty much a 4 on 5 when he’s on the court I’m serious. Bryan “weenie man” Scanlan. Bryan you can actually shoot decently well and you are obviously a great guy, a ladies man to be more specific. You spend most of your days grilling your weenies, especially in the morning so that’s cool. Then they got Nik “I’m a pussy” Cagni. You’re tall and you think you are some cool skater boy so shut up and ask your parents how tf they forgot to put a “c” in your name. Brayden “idk” Lucas. If you are Jacobs brother then that’s awesome because you’re probably smart too. Don’t know too much about you. Next is Evan “sucks at football” Taylor. You think you are good at football which is funny, and for some reason you think you’ll help your team. Don’t bother showing up. Lastly is Mikey “go fuck yourself” Barbitos. Not a soul likes you. 

 10. Purp

This team needs to understand that they are so fucking bad it’s crazy, I’m not kidding. Led by captain Gavin “how am I tall now” Fitzpatrick and Ryan “dude in my basketball shoes I can” McKeever. Gavin you are an OK at best player who has a nice skill set and some crafty moves. But you weigh maybe 96 pounds so you’re going to get absolutely fucked. Ryan you on the other hand should be way better than your stinky ass is. Broken ass jumper and can rattle dunk on a good day when you’re  literally 6’2. First up is Charlie “grace owns me” Eberle. How are you so whipped by your girlfriend that’s unbelievable, idk if you can ball anymore but we will see, I want you to succeed. Ok then this team took Jack “my vagina hurts” Shearer. Jack my man you are so bad at defense it’s not funny, you’re an old man who can shoot the ball sometimes. Fix your hip. Peter “waste of space” Janowski. You sir are just a bum and won’t do a single thing to this shit show of this team other than make it worse. Next up is Maddox “dexter” Stamm. This kid is pretty chill but he’s like 4’11 so that’s unfortunate. Fun team player tho. Charlie “waste of space #2” Stohl. Not much to say about you, just try and help your team kid. Quinn “Q” Fitzpatrick. Nothing but love for this kid, he could maybe be a threat in the paint. Teach your brother something useful to help your shitty team. Jake “seagull” Siagle and Joe “trash” Reeder are two juniors who bring again, nothing to this team. What a shitty draft job Gavin. Good luck this year bc it will be much needed.

 11. Scarlett 

What an absolute joke. But what can you expect from this negatively skilled captain duo. Captain Drew “my personality is Ohio state, the most unathletic 6’2 kid you’ll ever see” Conwell. Enough said, I feel bad for anyone on this team. Next up is the other captain Ethan “         “ Hancock. This kid doesn’t talk, many communication issues inbound. He’s also too little and a free cookie when you’re guarding him. With scarlett’s first pick they took Mateo “can we pleaseeee go upstairs now” Cepullio. You are way too horny my guy but you’re also Italian so that’s pretty nice. You are quite the athlete and know how to play basketball. This is your team I’m sorry that your captains had to be so ass just try your hardest. Next up is Connor “why is he kinda nice with it” O’Neil. The second best player on this team is Connor himself. Very underrated and I have nothing bad to say about you kid. Marcus “Big Baby” Fennel. You are 100% so fucking unathletic but that’s cool bc I bet you’re a great guy and know how to make people laugh. Just stand in the post and do your thing. Danny “I need to realize I suck” Murphy. You shoot the ball at a decent level but you also just are not good at basketball. Not to mention you wear ur lil goggles and think you’re Kareem or some shit. Then they got Simon “says” Andres. Ngl Simon I almost took you in the draft but then I thought about how you suck. I was trippin for thinking you had any talent thats my fault. Have fun out there. Sammy “pip squeak” Moss. You are my co-captains brother and that’s cool, you definitely are trash tho. Your other two players are nobodies and won’t do shit this year. Good luck and fuck you. 

 12. White 

H o l y  f u c k. Put this team in the circus because this is a comedy special. My two black ass cheeks have more skill than this captain duo. Starting with Sam “where can I buy body wash” Phillips, you are so horrible at this sport it’s unbelievable. Your ex girl’s 65 year old sugar daddy probably has a cleaner jump shot than you. This teams other captain is Kristian “skin and bones” Karidis. Idk just try and use your deadly bones to your advantage the same way that your sister uses her deadly ass to hers.  With whites first pick we have Sohum “so bum” Shankar. This was a good pick bc this man is pretty much a Kevin Durant type player and that’s scary. Good choice for sure, nothing else to say about him. Next up is Kyle “puberty who?” Kerber. This kid is very small and a featherweight, but hey he could be quick and speedy at times, I’m not really sure but we will have to see. Then they got Zain “monster” Aizooky. Nothing bad to say about you Zain, you definitely have more skill than either one of your captains. Then it’s Joey “BMX pussy” Lucca. I have heard that you literally just don’t know how to play basketball. That’s okay I’m just saying this team is a perfect fit for you. Go ride some bikes. Andrew “drone” Higgs. You think you are so good at this sport when you just suck ass. You’d make a great camera man for your shitty team tho I bet those drone shots would be sick fr. The rest of your team is somehow worse than the players I just listed so I don’t even have to talk about them. You guys are so bad and have fun not winning a single game.