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TOPIC: Mitchell Report |
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| Del Griffith
December 12, 2007
11:32:51 AM
Entry #: 2511976
| I hope non of the snurdbirds show up on the list
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| Puck
December 13, 2007
12:43:08 PM
Entry #: 2513428
| are booze and bee pollen considered performance enhancing substances?
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| "the rat"
December 13, 2007
12:45:03 PM
Entry #: 2513430
| Reports are in and there's some startling information about the current state of Minnesota Amateur Baseball. Of the Current birds there are 17 players currently using performance enhancing drugs. Luckily all of those guys even out the performance enhancing with performance reduction drugs so no penalties will be levied by League Commissioner Vernie Anderson. He was quoted as saying, "I..I...I never thought any Lake and Pine teams would use performance enhancing drugs, its against Lake and Pine rules and regulations. I stole 300 bases without cheating, a lot of the new records will have to be asterisked." He went on to say that harsh fines will be laid down, first offense is a sixer, second is a case and any violations thereafter will be a keg. Sadly a couple of old records will have to be questioned forever. Apparently Mark "Harvey" Burkman was using some form of horse steroid and tranquilizer when he hit the famed rock-pile shot. Randy
"Bimbo" Burkman apparently never had any "accidents" involving his leg, those were poor attempts to cover up the first ever illegal Tommy John Surgery. The surgery involved the murder of innocent pigs that had been involved in a pig fighting ring, sponsored entirely by Albert "Aubie" Lund to raise money and materials for the underground surgery. A couple other notable men on this list are Curtis E Lund and Lyle Bethyl. Curtis was the test subject for a then new substance called HGH which would explain why he is so huge now. Three other members of the Hall of Fame were also listed, Jim Frith, Shane Ashley and Josh Starr were all mentioned for their HGH, Steroid and amphetamine use. Sadly for the current bird team only one player will not be mentioned using, James "Eino" Burkman never used although it's apparent that he was involved in the transportation as well as the distribution of said performance enhancing drugs. The corruption doesn't stop with the players, apparently sometime bat-boy Robert "Bobby" Lusti has also been using HGH in an effort to destroy Joey Chestnuts record of 57.5 Hot dogs. Although he has never formally tried to eat competitively its been reported that he consumed 37 bird dogs in one half inning of play. Lusti defended his usage saying that he was undersized for his age and that he was prescribed HGH by team physician Rocky "Rock" Carlson. Carlson declined to speak with us citing that he didn't have a phone, he however sent us a crumpled up napkin with an explanation about the allegations. Sadly the words appeared to be from some language other than English. Peter "Guy" Marjamaa is apparently the ring leader of the entire outfit. He was recently quoted by Roy Rudderforth, the snurdbirds reporter, that he "Never thought anyone would notice, its not like we are bigger, faster or stronger." Hopefully now that millions of dollars have been spent to root out this plague baseball can return back to normal.
This was Buster Olney of ESPN reporting here at bird camp, Minnesota
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| Puck
December 13, 2007
2:18:15 PM
Entry #: 2513587
| best post ever, once again the rat takes the cheese
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| Niner
December 13, 2007
10:28:30 PM
Entry #: 2514159
| Thank you Buster. I could not, would not, and should not use those performance enhancing substances.
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| 1e
December 14, 2007
10:39:26 AM
Entry #: 2514550
| Wow, that is fantastic.
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| Jam
December 14, 2007
1:19:54 PM
Entry #: 2514789
| Are these allegations true? Years and Years of records have to be reviewed because they may be tainted.
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| Hamms Premium
December 14, 2007
1:52:55 PM
Entry #: 2514830
| I don't deny these allegations. i have never used preformance enhancing drugs but i did inject Jake "cubber" Lund, Chris "hogger" Baso, Ben "beener" Davis, Shane "mugsy" Keranen, Justin Kolling, Kent Shlife, George "mash" Baso, Brian "bimbo/ringo" Burkman, Jamison "Jamo" Burkman and Andy "Roon/Coon" Baso in the buttocks, with both HGH, steroids and other androgens. When Andy "Roon/Coon" Baso broke his arm in 1999, he requested that I inject him with a steroidal compound known as dehydroepiandrosterone, in order to aid his recovery. Although the drug worked well in aiding his recovery, the side effects raised some eyebrows. Andy know wears a permanent "A Frame" (wife beater) tee shirt pattern of chest hair. I also transfused erythropoietine into the bloodstream of Andy "Roon/Coon" Baso, which explains why Andy took first place in the Urho run, beating tom ellinson by 10 minutes. The bomb that Andy "Roon/Coon" Baso hit off of me in 2002 will be scratched from the record books, so it is like it never happened.
these posts are getting out of hand
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| maha
December 27, 2007
12:18:12 PM
Entry #: 2526586
| Wow! I always knew something was going on there...makes sense. Ha!
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