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TOPIC: ZEN TEACHINGS |
| BT
November 18, 2010
9:48:27 AM
Entry #: 3618620
| ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never , under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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| Rayovac
November 25, 2010
10:05:54 PM
Entry #: 3622646
| A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wipe her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,"Pepper."
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| BT
December 13, 2010
11:47:59 PM
Entry #: 3630208
| The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
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| Rayovac
January 1, 2011
6:59:12 PM
Entry #: 3635411
| Thought I'd better warn you.
I Just got scammed out of $25. I bought a Tiger Woods DVD entitled
"My Favorite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
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| BT
January 31, 2011
3:20:27 PM
Entry #: 3647331
| "Must Buy" Book For Golfers
Ch 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Ch 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.
Ch 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker.
Ch 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Ch 5 - When to Give the Marshal the Finger.
Ch 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.
Ch 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.
Ch 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Ch 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.
Ch 10 - When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.
Ch 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go into the water.
Ch 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Ch 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.
Ch 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.
Ch 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee.
Ch 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.
Ch 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.
Ch 18 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
Ch 19 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique.
Ch 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Ch 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $7 a Beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 Tip,
but balk at $4 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
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| BT
January 31, 2011
3:20:32 PM
Entry #: 3647332
| "Must Buy" Book For Golfers
Ch 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Ch 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.
Ch 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker.
Ch 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Ch 5 - When to Give the Marshal the Finger.
Ch 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.
Ch 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.
Ch 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Ch 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.
Ch 10 - When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.
Ch 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go into the water.
Ch 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Ch 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.
Ch 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.
Ch 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee.
Ch 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.
Ch 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.
Ch 18 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
Ch 19 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique.
Ch 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Ch 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $7 a Beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 Tip,
but balk at $4 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
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| BT
February 6, 2011
11:23:07 PM
Entry #: 3650065
| WHY SOME ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE JOBS:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
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| RPGHIS
February 10, 2011
4:08:13 PM
Entry #: 3652256
| The Government has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment or Welfare Benefits.
Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English.
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| BT
March 5, 2011
7:58:51 AM
Entry #: 3668276
| I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
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