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********* 2013 Labor Day Regional Tournament Runner-Ups **********

      The Irish came into Sunday looking to earn a sweep of the season series with the Tigers. Robert Allen got the nod for the third time this season and kept the Tigers offense caged for 4 innings. He also helped himself early, driving in the first two runs of the game for the Irish. The offense added another run in the second and saw the first five batters score in the third inning to form an 8-1 lead. The Tigers clawed away for runs in the 3^rd,4^th,7^th, and 9^th innings but the Irish outpaced them and won 14-7. What should have been a comfortable victory was temporarily derailed in the top of the eighth inning when Jason Wuerfel, who came on in relief of Allen, was ejected from the game for arguing a call at third base. Wuerfel, docile by nature, was provoked by the antics of the field umpire which ultimately led to his removal from the game. An unconfirmed report later circulated that the umpire admitted he was wrong, stating, “I’d never been that close to third base before and was nervous and confused about what to do when I finally got there.” Wuerfel, worldlier in such matters, reacted to this report with, “Wow. And I’m the one that needs to man up?” The whole debacle is slated to run as a part of “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” on the next episode of The Chappelle Show. Luckily for the Irish, Pat Riley (pictured right) flew in early from Florida and was available to close the game.                      

     Newcomer Tim Curren was taken back by the scene, telling his new teammates that he had “never seen men so mad.” Veteran Matt Matheis, who was old in the 60s, didn’t share Curren’s views. Matheis said he remembers the golden age of advertising being full of ‘mad men’ such as Wuerfel and even Riley. Greg Hinkle, (pictured left) universally regarded as a tall drink of water and the team’s unofficial style consultant, was highly impressed with Riley’s fashion sense. Hinkle said he hasn’t seen “the executive” since he and Jerry Seinfeld’s father tried to get back into the raincoat business in the 90s.

      Manager Erich Rusie (pictured bottom right) was able to dodge most questions following the game, thanks in large part to his disguise. When asked if he was wearing a brown paper bag over his head because he was embarrassed by his own altercation with an umpire later in the game, Rusie refused to comment, saying only, "If the umpire didn't like what people were saying, then he should have changed the conversation." Utility man Steve Owens cleared things up to reporters by informing them that “the theory on Rusie is he couldn’t manage his way out of a wet paper sack. Now we have visual evidence that's true.” The Irish are off for the All-Star Break this Sunday and resume the second half of the season when they take on the upstart Royals in a DH on July 13^th at Lutheran HS.

The last two weeks have seen the Irish extend their winning streak to six games after a DH sweep of the Royals, the second longest streak in the entire IBL, then fall back to Earth when they ran into the expansion Phillies. The two victories over the Royals were far from a sure-thing early on as the winless Royals scored six runs in the first inning of Game 1. Luckily, the Irish stayed the course and steadily produced runs over the seven-inning game. A solo homerun by Nick Smiley ignited the team and Adam Wheeler blasted two homeruns of his own to secure a 9-8 victory. Game 2 saw the Irish flip the script and jump out to a 5-0 lead and hold on to win 7-2.

       Despite the pair of wins, all was not well with the Irish. During Game 1, the Royals pitcher detected that an “unofficial” baseball had been thrown into play. The ball in question apparently lacked the commissioner’s signature and was quickly soaked in gasoline and set on fire so it may never find it’s way into an official league game ever again. Unfortunately for the Irish and manager Erich Rusie, the Spanish Inquisition didn’t stop there. It was determined in Game 2 that an Irish batter was not announced before taking the place of another player who had left the game. This heinous and egregious act, accompanied by the now infamous “non-league baseball” incident of 2014 was simply too much for the high court to ignore. Manager Erich Rusie was swept away by local police immediately following Game 2. Rusie, no stranger to the law because of his days with Sons of Anarchy, knew his right to due process, and a hasty trial was put into action. For the prosecution, the Royals were able to secure the services of lawyer Jackie Chiles, who was at the game to see his longtime friend Greg Hinkle (pictured top with Chiles) play. Despite Jackie Chiles’ years of experience in frivolous lawsuits, Rusie felt good about his chances when he hired the Captain Obvious guy from the Hotel.com commercials.

      To make sure the proceedings were not short of credibility, the court appointed none other than the Monopoly Guy (pictured left) to serve as judge and jury. Needing a ‘5’ or an ‘8’ to have a chance at a “get out of jail free’ card”, Rusie clumsily rolled a ‘2’ and went to straight to Adult League Baseball Jail. After a rough weekend, the Irish finally caught a break when IBL president, John Decosta (pictured bottom right), ordered the Sons of Anarchy to put the squeeze on key city officials and get Rusie released from jail.

    Longtime teammate, Ryan Angrick, told reporters that he was disappointed in the opposition since “Royals” by Lorde is one of his favorite songs. He then went on to say the Lorde song “Team” might better describe this debacle. Angrick then pulled out his guitar and went unplugged singing the lyrics:

Wait 'til you're announced
We've not yet lost all our graces
The hounds will stay in chains
Look upon Your Greatness and she'll send the call out

Rusie acknowledged the performance by Angrick was pretty weird but showed his gratitude by replying in kind:

I'm kind of over getting told to throw my hands up in the air
So there
I'm kinda older than I was when I revelled without a care
So there

And you know, we're on each other's team
We're on each other's team

Angrick’s personal catcher, Nick Abel, said he wasn’t surprised by these antics, although he did think Angrick lost interest in Lorde two years ago when she turned 18. 

The Irish battled their second opponent from the IBL’s junior league this season when they met the 18+ Cubs last Sunday at Lutheran HS. Ryan Angrick, recently sprung from a correctional institution, started on the mound after four-game absence. The Cubs were shutout for 3 innings before a solo “Lutheran” homerun put them on the board in the fourth and an unearned run plated in the fifth. The Irish continued to trail 2-0 until the seventh, when the offense came alive and hung a five-spot on the Cubs. The scoring got started when the unyoung Matt Matheis laced a 2-rbi single up the middle and continued on several Cubs’ errors. The ever stalwart Robert Allen came on in relief of Angrick and blanked the opposition over the final 4 innings. The Irish manufactured an insurance run in the ninth and held on to win 5-2. For his contributions on the mound, and at the plate, Robert Allen was named the Books and Brews ‘Player of the Week.’ When asked what it meant to be named the team’s POTW, Allen stated, “I guess this is what happens when you take care of yourself and prepare like I do and get plenty of minerals.” When probed to elaborate on what minerals he was taking, Allen clarified, “I’m not talking about any banned substances. I’m talking about actual minerals. Rusie has gotten cheap on us and stopped bringing sanitary drinking water for the cooler. Instead he gave us well water right out of his hose. I could literally taste the iron.” Reporters caught up with burly third baseman Steve “Saturday” Owens and asked if he could confirm the allegations against Rusie. Owens, a dead ringer for country music artist Tyler Farr (pictured right), said he was so upset about not being named POTW that he had gone ‘redneck crazy’ and couldn’t answer any questions at the time. Manager Erich Rusie said “Allen was the clear choice and that Owens’ new nickname ‘Steve Saturday’ was fitting because he never turns up on a Sunday.” The venerable Matt Matheis offered his opinion on the team’s comeback win, saying he was just glad that the team was finally embracing the message of “Never Surrender” that he and Corey Hart (pictured left) worked so hard to convey to the world on their 1985 album Boy in the Box. The Irish next play Sunday afternoon when they take on the Tigers at Warren Central HS. Start time is 3:30p.m.

      Following their 1-1 start, the Irish had a stretch of three hard-fought games (going 1-2) before getting a decided victory against the Bandits this past Sunday. The first game in that span was against the Cardinals and had all the makings of a pitchers’ duel for the first 7 innings. The Irish jumped out to an early 2-0 lead but were unable to rattle the wily veteran, John Berger, and the Cardinals pulled away in the final 2 innings for a 12-3 victory. The following week saw the Irish fall to the first-place Giants. The Irish took a 6-5 lead into the sixth inning behind starter Pat Riley before the Giants rallied for 4 runs and ultimately won 9-7. Despite the loss, there were two bright spots in the game. Paul Cunningham and Nick Smiley both made outstanding defensive plays. Cunningham's diving snare of a line-drive and Smiley's full extension back-hand down the line were equally impressive. However, the way in which the players handled them were not. Paul took the feat in stride while Smiley (pictured right) left the game shortly after the play, saying he had "somewhere to be." Outfielder Tim Jordan said that it was eerily similar to Bernie Mac quitting on the Brewers in Mr. 3000. League standout, Josh Doane, said he agreed with Jordan’s account of events and stated he thinks he even heard Smiley talking about his place amongst “the immortals.” Although Doane did concede that Smiley could have been making that comment in regards to himself being named IBL ‘Player of the Week.’ Cunningham would even say, "I'm no stranger to partying and celebrating but him leaving early makes me think that guy's a troll." Cunningham's suspicions were later confirmed when he ran into Smiley later than night (pictured left).

    A rematch with the Cardinals loomed next and manager Erich Rusie was put in a tough spot. The previous two games saw the club unable to hold onto leads when Rusie stuck with his starting pitcher into the later innings. In this game, Robert Allen had been tough in his first start of the season and kept the Irish in the game despite some costly defensive miscues. After hitting several batters and allowing the Cardinals offense to gain momentum, most thought Allen’s day was over when Rusie went out for a mound visit in the third inning. However, after a brief chat, Rusie left Allen in the game. He then calmly recorded three quick outs and blanked the Cardinals in the next inning. While the move initially had most team members thinking history was bound to repeat itself, super-cop Andy Zellers said he knew Rusie made the right call. Zellers said he heard Rusie telling Allen that he needed to draw his focus and energy from “the have to.” Rusie later admitted that he had recently watched Rookie of the Year and that Chet Steadman is one of his favorite movie characters of all time. Allen would tell reporters that the mound visit closer resembled the one between Billy Heywood and John “Blackout” Gatling in the movie Little Big League. When questioned, most players said Rusie’s mound visits are usually like the ones by Robert Wuhl’s character in Bull Durham.

    As for the game, the Irish would scratch out a few more runs and go on to beat the Cardinals 13-11. The club would notch another win when they defeated the Bandits 8-2 to bring their season record to 3-3. The Bandits game saw Pat Riley back on the mound after a week of rest while Adam Wheeler and Jason Wuerfel were stellar in relief. The strong pitching performance across the board was especially surprising considering manager Erich Rusie was forced to catch all nine innings. One unnamed player said watching Rusie was the worst portrayal of a catcher since John C. Reilly in For Love of the Game. Media Liason and utility man Steve Owens told the media that he “saw better catching technique in the film Brewster’s Millions, unfortunately for us, John Candy’s dead.”  The Irish look to get their record over .500 when they’re back in actions this coming Sunday against the 18+ Cubs. Game time 12:30 p.m. at Lutheran HS.

The 2014 IBL season is off and running as the Irish look to build off their inaugural campaign in the 28+ last year. The club is 1-1 after dropping a close game against the 18+ Braves on opening day and securing an easy victory over the 28+ Tigers in Week 2. The team has tallied 17 hits in each of the first two games, a stark contrast to the 2013 team that struggled to get extra base hits and produce runs.  But, the biggest difference in this year’s team might be the added depth on the mound. The team’s front office spent a large part of the offseason rebuilding the pitching staff to compliment Nikolai Alfimow, who led the league in strikeouts last year. The Irish have brought back Pat Riley, fresh off another title run with the Miami Heat, and he has allowed just 1 run in 7 innings so far. Ryan Angrick is also back in the fold along with newcomer Jason Wuerful, a renaissance man extraordinaire. However, the biggest personnel decision might have been one that didn’t result in the team actually adding a pitcher. Manager Erich Rusie convinced the team’s ownership to let him travel the globe in search of more arms. Said Rusie, “My goal was to find the first IBL pitcher from India, I called the project ‘Million Dollar Arm.’” Ultimately, Rusie was unable to secure the services of such a pitcher due to a lack of $1 million dollars, but he was able to add Seth Lucas-Falk (pictured top right).  Rather than admit the “Million Dollar Arm” project was a failure, Rusie renamed it “The $260 Defensive Specialist” project and deemed it a raging success.

Not long after the season began, Rusie found himself back in hot water with ownership over an alleged bullying incident concerning mentally fragile third baseman Steve Owens. Witnesses say Rusie mocked Owens while several members of the team gathered at a local Buffalo Wild Wings. The incident became a scandal as reports of Owens barging out of the restaurant and threatening to quit hit social media. Owens claims the abuse dates back to when he and Rusie were teammates on the Miami Dolphins in 2013. Rusie agreed to a 1-game suspension that would cause him to miss the matchup versus the Tigers. Rusie claims to have arranged for an old friend (pictured left) to manage the team during his hiatus but many speculate that the man in the dugout might have actually been Rusie in a Groucho Marx disguise.  Rusie (pictured right) denied the accusations, saying it was a coincidence he had grown a Fu Manchu with mutton-chop sideburns that week. The whole episode received mix reactions from the team. One player said Rusie looked like “Sal Bando’s love child,” while most were simply impressed that he was able to grow facial hair as they were unaware he had hit puberty. Second baseman Bobby Herbert went on the record stating, “The only thing bigger than Rusie’s sideburns is the size of our roster!”  The Irish next play on Sunday against the 28+ Cardinals. Game time 12:30 @ Scecina HS.