The Postseason Starts Now

Roadkill: Pitches clinch, Chickens eliminated

ALISON RUTH, Sons of Pitches

The tension on the field was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The Sons of Pitches and Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles, bitter rivals, were each angling for their rightful spot in the playoffs. Both teams were down a few players to make the match an even four on four, increasing the already palpable intensity.

The Ponytailed Menace strikes again. They don’t call her Ruthless for nothin’!

Sons of Pitches 15 || Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles 4

The SoPs took the field, eager to shut the Chickens out and get a head start on offense. The teams were able to start the game while there were still shady spots near the dugouts, yet many players still reported nasty sunburns after the series came to an end. (I totally put on sunscreen mom, I swear!)

Spencer Minder was an absolute MACHINE this week, hitting back to back (to back!) home runs. He burst onto the scene with a grand slam and promptly followed it up with another homer at his next at-bat. He continued his streak into the second game, earning four home runs overall. Spencer really did a number on Chicken n’ Wiffles’ allowed runs stats. (Sorry about that, Matt!) The Sons of Pitches came with their bats ready and gained a nine run lead early on. A few walks and a couple of defensive pegs brought the score to 9-1 at the close of the second inning.

Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles pitcher Matt Pearson put on an impressive performance. He tossed a couple of slow lobs to trip up batters while he was ahead in the count. Having seen these attempts completely miss the strike zone, I foolishly let a lob sail by, only to hear the ball smack the top of the board and strike me out. For shame! The sound still echoes through my mind, haunting me like Poe’s tell-tale heart as I lay awake at night. Fortunately, I was the only batter he managed to fool, and I was able to heal my bruised ego with a hard-hit grounder down the third baseline in my next at bat. Johnny followed it up with a home run to bring in three runners and give the Pitches a comfortable 15-1 lead into the third inning.

The next inning brought two hits and a few walks, with Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles slowly crawling back to make it 15-4. The pressure was mounting but the SoPs found that they just couldn’t manage to wrap up the inning. The Chickens earned several hits and resorted to 'fowl play' to try and claw their way back into the game, with Preston Sahabu mowing me down in a gruesome scene at second base. I was later avenged by Spencer when he struck Preston out at his next at bat. Winner winner, chicken dinner!

The wild beasts gather around the watering hole to recover from their grisly defeat. They keep a close eye out for cunning warthogs who are always eager to snatch an unsupervised can of Rainier beer.

Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles 31 || Sons of Pitches 12

After winning the first game and securing our place in the league playoffs, the Sons of Pitches elected to take it easy and give Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles a win. However, the SoPs took it a little too easy and ended up with a shameful 31-12 loss.

Johnny took over as the new pitcher for the team, but it took him a while to find his groove on the mound. The Chickens, thirsty for revenge, scored 17 runs right out of the coop with some solid hits, supplemented by a couple of walks. The Pitches found themselves totally unable to score and hoped to turn things around in the next inning to come back from a 22-point lag. Spencer hit a home run for SoP's first run, which was quickly followed up by another hit from Johnny. Chicken ‘n’ Wiffles' outfield was on high alert after having fielded so many hits in the previous game, so they were easily able to snare the high fly balls Spencer and I hit out into center for the first two outs of the second inning. Unfortunately, fielding skills don’t really help much when the ball clears the fence, as was the case for Spencer’s next home run hit. A foul tip hit by Johnny finally brought the inning to an end with the Pitches still far behind at 22-10.

The top of the third inning served as a merciful reprieve from the Chickens' offensive blitzkrieg. Alison caught a fly ball in left field for the first out and Johnny sprinted to snag a popup on the foul line and peg a runner leading off at first for a spectacular double play.

The third inning was largely uneventful, with a few walks and several more runs brought in on the Chickens' side. Outfield action was briefly brought to a standstill thanks to an appearance by a bikini-clad spectator just beyond the right field fence, which came as a welcome distraction from the pitiful display the SoPs were demonstrating defensively. A final strikeout by Preston brought an end to the torturous match and the Pitches headed back to the dugout to lick their wounds. The SoPs may have accomplished their goal of snagging a spot in the playoffs, but they did so at the expense of their pride.

The Pitches are hoping Mike and Jonathan can return for next week’s faceoff against 100% Real Juice, as it promises to be a thrilling series! Special thanks to Jeremy Salvo for scorekeeping this past week— your help was much appreciated!

All the cluck in the world couldn’t help the Chickens earn a spot in the playoffs.

Cannonball beats down Jovanelly’s 68ers

ERIC SANFORD, Cannonball Coming

Sup nerds, it’s Sanford again from the Cannonballers. For the last game of the 2018 regular season, the Crafty Dads of Cannonball Coming took on the college kids of the 68ers (Get it? Nice.) in a game that didn’t matter much in the standings, but helped everyone finish the season strong and pad some stats while they were at it.

Cannonball Coming 13 || 68ers 0

Game one featured Paul Rodgers on the mound versus Joey Jovanelly. Paul brought his reliably nasty stuff, taking a no-no into the 4th until a hustle grounder to the first yielded the 68ers first hit. Slugger Karl Koch slapped his first dinger of the day, an absolute shot to dead center. The mercy rule was enacted after the fifth inning, despite Joey's defensive efforts flying around the field.

Cannonball Coming 23 || 68ers 6

For the second game, Karl took the mound for the first time against Hunter Johnson. Even though both players did not have much wiffle pitching experience, Karl’s veteran grit and poise was clear from pitch one. The 68ers stood no chance against the fully warmed up and free swinging Cannonball batters, who racked up about 22 runs by the third inning, including a 3-run jack over the left field fence by Karl Koch. In stepped the newly minted closer, me, to finish things off. After a handy first strike out, I proceeded to throw a Fernando Rodney-esque number of pitches and walk in several runs before scrounging together the final two outs. Pitching is hard, folks. I do not recommend it.

Another fun day (and hot as shit day) in the park was had by all. See y’all in the playoffs!

This is the Way the Season Ends: Not with a Bang, but a Scrimmage

PRESTON SAHABU, Media Coordinator

RBI Steaks FORFEITS to 100% Real Juice

This marquee matchup was derailed by an overperforming Little League team, with Jimmy Froio and Steven McGinley stuck coaching their plucky squad, unable provide a viable team for the Steaks. In their stead, Epo Olivarez and Aaron Hunter captained two scrimmage squads, with a special rule banning the two aces from pitching.

Team Hunter 9 || Team Olivarez 8

Team Olivarez (road):

Epo, Duncan Robinson (3IP), Preston Sahabu (2+ IP), Gabe Showalter, Jeremy Salvo

Team Hunter (home):

Aaron, Mitch Barham (3IP), Adam Brickett (3IP), Sam Lacroix

Despite the lack of aces and defenders, and the high amount of...intoxicants, the game was a relatively low scoring, back and forth affair. My lack of cleats added some comedy to the proceedings, from eating it out of the box while trying to beat out a popout, to rounding third without wanting to round third and wiping out in foul territory for a TOOTBLAN. In other hilarity, Barham squarely punted the ball bucket as he juggled a popup right to Hunter.

Robinson performed admirably in Epo’s stead, whipping a nasty riseball-dropball combination. Barham continued his crafty lefty persona by inducing some weak contact and relying on his defense. Yours truly, newly cleated, took an eternity between pitches while painting a few corners. Brickett threw some straight gas but got in trouble with a wily Showalter, who ran wild on the bases and nearly had two inside-the-parkers. But then it all came down to the final inning.

Team Olivarez erased a 7-3 deficit in the top of the sixth with a two-out rally against Brickett, clinging to an 8-7 lead going into the bottom of the frame. Salvo declined to enter for the save, so I was trotted back out to close out the game. Alas it was not to be, with several hard hit balls falling into gaps and handcuffing defenders. Barham battled through a tense at-bat to walk it off on a single. Twas a fun one.