It has been far too long my friends and I really missed being away from the game and away from all of my friends here in the Coventry Men’s Slow Pitch League. It is not easy staying away from the game that I love and although I really can’t play it anymore (probably never could) I did miss the camaraderie and the people here in this great league. Nothing beats a nice Sunday morning hanging out at the ball game, the sun shining down on you, the solidarity of being a part of a team, the good natured ribbing and teasing between the fellas, the spirit of good clean rivalry and competition and being Ian Smith’s score-book bitch. And, I really missed writing the Planet for all of you. I have done enough rambling there are so many things that I know you want to know about so let’s delve right in and get this show started. Where is Ernie?
To begin this edition of The Planet I would like to wish Mr. Ernie Wright a speedy recovery from his recent surgery. I’ve been told due to his condition he will miss several games this season and I know this must be absolutely torturous and heartbreaking to Ernie since he is a true softball guy and a perennial gamer. Ernie we are all keeping you in our thoughts and prayers and we will miss your presence on the softball diamonds of Coventry. Now for those of you, who know me, know that I am not one to gossip or fabricate yarns of fiction at the expense of my fellow players. Having said that much I find myself caught between the Scylla and Charybdis. Do I honor the bonds of friendship, remaining loyal to my good friend Ernie Wright and keeping his medical condition enigmatic and guarded? Medical conditions are a very delicate subject and are of a private nature and are nobody’s business but the person who is suffering in the throes of said medical condition. It is also clear to me that a person’s medical conditions and medical records are protected doggedly by law. Or, do I maintain my journalistic integrity and report to you, the loyal readers of The Planet… the entire story. Of course you all know what the answer to that is…a resounding: “HELLZ YEAH I’M GONNA TELL”. That’s a no fucking brainer my friends, I would never pass on an opportunity to fuck with Ernie!
In my very astute and meticulous investigation I discovered that our good friend Ernie has undergone a very complicated surgical procedure known as “Vaginal Rejuvenation surgery”. This comes as no surprise to many of us who truly know Ernie well and only serves to confirm the suspicions that have always surrounded Mr. Wright, that being he is a huge fucking pussy. Apparently everyone’s preconceived notions have been confirmed.
Actually I tease when I say Ernie has undergone vaginal rejuvenation surgery, this simply is not true and was only my mere attempt at humor. The procedure that Ernie actually underwent was Anal Rejuvenation surgery. Apparently Mr. Wright’s “Corn Shooter” has been violated more times than Charlie Sheens Parole.
This seems to be indicative of the tumultuous relationship that has always existed between him and one Mr. Bob Dutilly. Once again it has always been surmised that these two are both latent homosexuals, and while I cannot either confirm or deny the sexual predilection of Mr. Dutilly it seems overtly obvious that he was not responsible for Ernie’s present medical state. Simply put, Bob doesn’t pack the necessary firepower in his shorts to do the major damage that was done to Mr. Wright’s nether-regions. To put it in Layman’s terms Ernie had his balloon knot busted. Apparently the rumors that Ernie now likes to hang out with the BROTHERS is true! Just Saying.
Apparently the relationship between Ernie and Bob began when the two would play a game called Monster Rain when they were children. For those of you who do not know this game see the definition below. 1. Monster Rain: game started by a Lil' Jimmy Norton. When it begins to rain, someone yells "The monster rain is coming." You then hide underneath the porch and perform fellatio on your friend, who then returns the favor.
However since then the two have created new games to play with one another.
Okay, so what has Ernie Wright been doing with his time off this summer? Probably a lot of time well spent at the Beach dreaming!
Okay really quick joke here for you…What’s the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hey Lookie whats I can do.
WHAT UP PLAYA???
Okay, so Mert is at the ballpark and we are playing against Anger Management and a few things struck me funny…one the conspicuous absence of Artie and two…what the fuck has happened to Petey Playa. He went from looking like one of the cast of Jersey Shore to looking like a cross between James Harden and Osama Bin Laden.
The question I have is: “Did Playa find Islam?” Now I know religion is a touchy subject and I ain’t mad at ya Playa, a salaam alaikum my brother, but damn a big ass terrorist beard in the middle of the summer? You must be outcha mind. I know I know people are going to lose their minds about me associating Islam with terrorism but I pose this question to you: “Do you want to sit near this guy in an airplane?”
FUCK NO!
I realize that one cannot synonymously juxtapose Islam with terrorism but I’m still pissed with Islam for fucking up Cat Stevens.
GQ Boss and GWAT, can ya hook a brother up and get my boy in for a lineup or something? Hairdressers on Fire!!!
Okay so we all know that GQ is absolutely one of the teams to be watched this year and the kings of the clippers are some bad ass softball players. But I have to call my boy GWAT out on this one. My Boy Matty Saballa (GWAT) is as equally deadly with a softball bat as he is with a leaf blower, we all know that. I remember this skinny kid coming to try out for the PUB one day and I looked at DHOP and said this is the player you said crushed the ball? Then I watched him hit and this kid really can crush a ball. But I leave for awhile and I come back to SMACK and I see Matty and his boys talking like they are members of the BLOODS or some shit. SNITCHES GET STITCHES??? REALLY? Well I can assure you that this is absolutely not the case. In fact snitches generally get treated like they are an endangered species (and they sort of are) but they most certainly do not get stitches. What’s next GWAT are ya going to C-Walk and start stacking?
This is Coventry GWAT not the Crenshaw, there ain’t no gangsta’s up in here. Finally it’s great to be back, I missed this shit. I will do my best to get in here as much as possible and give you guys all something to read from time to time. Mert missed Coventry Softball and all the Once a Weekers. See you all out there, till next time! MERT OUT!
lb4lb-7
June 15, 2012 1:41:44 PM
Entry #: 3932979
great job uncle M! would only be improved by killing stevens in some fashion. next time. please.
Unclemertog
June 16, 2012 2:29:39 AM
Entry #: 3933262
No problem Bob anything for the master of the RGK. I don't care how much McLovin hates this...you're the best
DeMonti
June 16, 2012 9:10:51 AM
Entry #: 3933296
slurp slurp slurp
Dionne
June 16, 2012 12:46:01 PM
Entry #: 3933340
hahaha, mick demonski strikes again!
Gwat
June 16, 2012 3:32:14 PM
Entry #: 3933373
Yea they should be treated like an endangered sources but that's not how it usually is . You know your in the aci all day with all those rat bastards . And I'm not trying to be gangsta but I ain't gona let some little bitch that hides behind his keyboard talk some shit . ... And I think Coventry invented rats because that's all these little bitches do in Coventry is tell on each other , but that's cute . I guess the saying is right . You are who you hang wit . That's y you dont ever catch me in Coventry .
Gwat
June 16, 2012 4:50:46 PM
Entry #: 3933389
Oh yea , and I didn't try out for the pub either . D hops said you guys needed help .(which was true ) Everybody in this league knows what I'm capable of, on and off the field .
