Get Some!
Mert’s Back!!!
Mert’s Back!!!This edition of Planet Mertog is brought to you by :
Call Bob Botelho for all your insurance needs! Bob Botelho…”Pound for Pound the best insurance man in the business!”
Greetings my fellow OAWMF’s, it has been a long time since we have gotten together to celebrate the goings on in the Coventry Men’s League…too long. I can’t tell you how many e-mails that I have gotten asking where I have been and when will there be another Planet. I guess the only excuse that I can give you is that I have been enjoying my time off and doing nothing but relaxing. I think I’m entitled to a hiatus once in awhile, even Superman took some time off if you recall.
So where do Superman and I go to relax and kick a few cold ones back????
Come on down to “On the Roch’s after your game to check out the football games on any one of the 10 new big screen TV’s. Kick back and have a cold one with Mert and the boys!
Yes it is true, the shameless self-promotion whore has sold out and become a shameless corporate sponsor whore. Its true Mertog has sold out to the corporate giants. Well, uhhh…in Bob Botelho’s case it’s not exactly a giant now is it. I guess you could say in Bob’s case I sold out to the corporate elf! But that Elf has one hell of a bat and he is definitely “pound for pound” the best insurance man in the business! (Now Pay me ! I want my money man!)
So there I am sitting around and trying to come up with something to write about for this edition of Planet Mertog and I could hardly concentrate on my work because it has just gotten so damn cold and my fingers actually hurt trying to type….so what did I do?
I made a phone call to my good friends down at Patriot Oil and they made a quick delivery so that Mertog could get back to work on the Planet.
Ah yes, I have absolutely no shame people!
But seriously people have been asking me: “Mert where have you been and more importantly why haven’t you written a new Planet in months. Well once again I cannot lie to my peeps, the computer had been taken over by the children for homework purposes and “THE WIFE” is completely and hopelessly addicted to mahjong! It was an arduous task getting my computer back from my “Mahjong” addicted wife and after a long violent struggle I finally prevailed.
Victory is mine bitch!
Well it truly has been one long and grueling season on yours truly, and I know I have spoken on this at great lengths in the past, managing is no picnic. The long season has taken a severe toll on me and I have noticed changes in both my physical appearance and my personality. To give you an example of what I’m talking about, here are the before and after pictures of me this season.
This is me before the season began
And this is me now!
The truth of it all is this…what would we all do without softball? Smitty would be reduced to spending more time with his fellow teachers and thinking up clever ways to keep themselves amused. By the way if you watched Seinfeld you will recall Kramer saying that if you want to have a good time at a party you find a proctologist and hang out with them because they have a great sense of humor to be a proctologist. Well the same applies to teachers, particularly Smitty…teachers just know how to get down!
As fun loving and whacky as teachers can be, the long season of shaping the minds of young children coupled to the grueling softball season has really altered the once “happy go lucky” mood of young Mr. Smith and have transformed him into the prototypical teacher devoid of any real personality at all.
Then there is my good friend Ernie Wright. What is life like for Big Ern when the season is over. Well knowing Ernie I’m sure he would be tinkering around the house thinking up new shit to do, like this.
That’s why Big Ern is such a catch, he makes life so much simpler for his wife!
…And what about our good friend Ryman, what is life like for him during the off season? Ryman being the crazy party animal that he is, I’m sure he is throwing some wild shindig at his pad every night!
Of course we all know that Ryman continues to work on his agility and cat like reflexes during the off season as well as illustrated by this training film.
You just got to stay sharp during the off season! I am no exception to this rule, I have my own form of exercises that I ritually perform in the off season to keep my wrists strong so I can get that great wrist roll and get the bat head through the strike zone as fast as possible.
Plus I am married so I’m killing two birds with one stone! When you’re married you seek alternative sources for, shall we say, releasing certain pent up frustrations, which at times can become quite embarrassing!
My good friend Ryno uses his time off during the fall to fully involve himself in procuring plenty of food for the long winter ahead. Ryno’s modus operandi is a bit different from most hunters and is in fact a little more sporting. Rather than shoot them with a gun he much prefers the method of running them down in his truck and why not…road kill is the main staple for backwoods’ inbred hillbillies everywhere! I’m told he and his wife are actually thinking of opening a small restaurant “Ryno’s Road kill Restaurant and Polish Food”. You have to try Ryno’s road kill stew…it is to die for!
Then there is our good friend Lemdawg who has been seriously involved with his new found boxing career! I am told Lemdawg is pretty damn good at it too. Geesh and they say softball is gay!
Speaking of boxing is this Presidential hopeful Barack Obama warming up to take on McCain? I wonder if Lemdawg taught him those moves. Looks like Barack is going to put an ass whipping on the old dude! Man he has got some moves!
No one really knows for sure where Dutilly has been, but the speculation is that since this picture was taken…
…that our boy Dutilly has been inexplicably followed around by this guy and is ducking him! Good luck Bob!
Then there are the legendary exploits of our buddy Mike “Time bomb” Demonti, who is just an absolute “Chick Magnet” from what I’m told and seems to be able to “bag one” at will. Mike keep up the good work but be careful!
Artie and his boys from over at the Evil Empire have won another Championship and now every time Artie and his crew come into Roch’s they have a completely different swagger to them.
Of course no Planet Mertog would be complete without checking in on my boy’s from the Wyld Stallyns! We all know what those guys are up to in the off season, just hanging out and creating the most excellent music you will ever hear, music that will someday unite the entire world and bring peace everywhere on earth. Party on Dudes!
Okay, let’s take some time to get down to business here..Mert has an axe to grind here and hopefully my fellow managers will concur with me on this issue. The meetings are getting to be extremely frustrating, especially when you are told it is going to be a very important meeting and that everyone must attend, that is usually a pretty good indicator indicator that some major shit is going to go down! It was posted on the website that a meeting was being held and even discussed to a degree that possible replacements were going to be made for league officials! So why then did we not make new league officials that night?
As the self proclaimed league watchdog I feel it incumbent upon me to explain to those of you who don’t know what exactly transpires at the majority of meetings. We all show up because we are told there will be something of vital importance going down and then we get there and someone makes a motion that we should do absolutely nothing this week and put the issue on the back burner till the following meeting. There were three issue that could have been resolved at the last meeting and all three were simply put off until the next meeting. If that is the case then why do we have to show up at all?
Inevitably someone will say: “I think we should wait until next week to do this”, and I just want to scream: “I think you should just shut the fuck up!”
And then proceed by grabbing them by the lapels, dragging them out into the parking lot and slamming their head in a car door until they get their fucking head right!
The emotion that this invokes can pretty much be summed up by this….
What it boils down to for me is that all the people who regularly and faithfully show up for meetings were there that night. In addition anyone who wasn’t there, obviously didn’t care about running or was a friggin window licker who can’t read…in which case we don’t want them to run anyway. Why? Cause they’re tarded!
And let’s face it while I have no problems with anyone who has mental deficiencies (as evidenced by the fact that I absolutely love Artie) I still don’t want Corky “The Water Head” involved in any way in running the league.
So Gopher, I love you pal…but when you come to the meetings, do us a favor and zip it up when the adults are speaking!
Right now I can just see Gopher sitting as his computer saying….”What the fuck….”
It’s very simple people…let’s get in and get shit done. There is absolutely no reason why we can’t be a lot more productive with our time while we are there. I understand that everyone has things to do, but since we are all there it makes even less sense to show up and do nothing at all. Plain and simple! There is no reason to put shit off and then have to come back and do it all over again. Everyone knows when the meetings are and there is no excuse for not attending them or sending a representative. Those who do not show, their absence speaks as loud as their words. In all unions the slogan is the majority speaks and the rest fall silent.
Get that shit straight!
In closing I would just like to take a moment here to recognize and thank Helen Baxter for all of her dedicated service throughout the years. I had planned on actually doing a serious piece on Helen and Elwin Baxter this year including an interview with them and why they continue to do what they do year after year. Unfortunately I procrastinated on that assignment and I truly regret not getting that done. It would have been a great article. I guess I, like most everyone else, thought that Helen would always be there. She was there long before I arrived on the scene and she has been a fixture in our league forever. I could not even begin to envision a Coventry Men’s league without Helen Baxter.
I cannot say enough about what Helen meant to this league and no words can express our gratitude to her for all the things she did. The reality of it all is without her, Coventry Softball would not be where it is today. Helen will be sorely missed as we somehow try to move on without her. Helen thank you for all the years you have given us, we all love you and miss you! May God Bless you and keep you!
HELEN
August 12, 2008
Get Some!
“If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.”
Hunter S. Thompson once wrote: “Call on God, but row away from the rocks.” This simple little line has become a credo by which I try to follow in everyday life. While it certainly would be nice to rely on some sort of divine intervention, the truth of the matter is that you have to be the Captain of your own ship. You need to take a proactive approach to life and not just leave it up to whatever God you believe in. You need to avoid trouble when you see it and as Hunter said…row away from the rocks. And trouble my friends is headed this way!
As all of you know, I have made it my cause célèbre to steer young men away from the rocks of marriage and guide them back into the safe harbor of bachelorhood, and although I have had many more failures than successes I continue to labor on in my war against the tyrannies of marriage.
Far too often I see the softball fields of Coventry with less and less men on each squad (including my own) who are barely able to field a team due to obligations and complications that are associated with spousal abuse. Right now most of you are saying to yourselves: “Spousal abuse? Where is Mert going with this?” Well, you heard me right, I said it….spousal abuse. It is without question a form of spousal abuse to keep any man from playing softball on Sunday morning. Men look forward to Sunday all week long only to have their plans thwarted at the last minute because their significant other decides that Sunday would be better served going to their parent’s house for dinner or what not. There is always some sort of stupid event that pops up on Sunday to absolutely ruin a great day of softball.
How many of you have had to go to christenings, weddings, birthday parties for people you barely know because “The Wife” said you have to go? Do you really want to be there? Do you even remotely like these people whose kid is being christened? Probably not, but there you are in a church thinking about softball the entire time and pissed off because you aren’t there. Of course you won’t be allowed to skip out after the ceremony to go play ball either, after the ceremony you will be expected to make the after party as well because the wife won’t go alone. Is this not a form of torture? Why should you be deprived of playing ball because the wife feels the need to socialize? Why can’t you just put some money in an envelope and send it over. Any real guy would understand: “Hey, he had a very important softball game…he had to be there.” Unfortunately the ramifications for this action would be long lasting and possibly eternal. You know that his wife would forever forbid him from speaking to you again for not showing up at their kid’s party. I personally am okay with this since if any guy expected me to miss a game to show up for his kid’s event I would know instantly that he is not my friend. Simply by having the sheer audacity to plan anything on a sunny Sunday afternoon is a hostile act, in and of itself and can only be spawned from the evil insidious mind of a woman.
And what gender do you think would decide that their wedding should be held on a Sunday. If you show me a guy who is getting married on a Sunday in the middle of summer, I’ll show you a guy who had absolutely no say in what day the wedding was to be held. In fact if his wedding is on a Sunday, I guarantee he had no say in any of the wedding plans whatsoever. This spells doom; he has already forfeited his balls to the goddess of the purse. He’ll never see them again until such a day where he has to sheepishly approach his wife and say: “Honey, may I please have my chuggies back for the day, the guys are having a fantasy football draft on Sunday”. And of course the request will be denied since she has plans for that particular Sunday anyway. As it turns out some second cousin of hers is having a Birthday party for their kid that day and you for some strange reason have to be there, although you have never spoken to this person in your life. You’ll meet her husband at this party and he will be standing there with this beaten, dejected look on his face as well. He will look at you with this look of complete defeat and sadness in his eyes and shake his head knowingly as if to say: “I know dude, I know, I’d rather be playing ball too.” You realize now, at this very moment who really rules the world.
The final blow is when you find yourself in the Mall at some women’s clothing store holding your wife’s purse while she tries on some outfit in the changing room. Look around and notice the loser standing against the wall trying to look cool as he holds his wife’s purse and realize that loser you see is actually you in the full size mirror on the wall. Jackass!
Many of you are laughing and think that this is all a joke, but the joke will be on you soon enough if you don’t listen. Case in point young Mr. Smith.
Here is Ian on his cell phone calling yours truly Uncle Mertog for some back up at the recent gathering at Club Joques. Notice he waited until Kate’s attention was elsewhere before he surreptitiously makes the call! “Maverick to Iceman….Maverick to Iceman….I need a wingman now!” That is my cue to get my ass over there and take the brunt of Kate’s anger away from Ian. This is what buddies do for one another. You see I am probably the only person at that particular time that Kate could hate even more than Ian at this particular moment. She is pissed off because she would obviously rather be doing anything else on a Sunday than spending it in the parking lot of Club Joques watching her boyfriend hang around and drink beers with his fellow softball Neanderthals. This is where I come in, I show up and suddenly the evil glare of hatred shifts immediately from Ian to his asshole softball buddy Mertog. Ian is now free and clear for at least several minutes to drink a couple of more beers while Kate contemplates in the back of her mind how she can rid the world of Mertog, before Ian is eventually led away by the invisible nose ring and off to whatever she has planned for the two of them for the rest of the day.
Still don’t believe me? Okay here is a simple question for all of you reading this. In the following picture what exactly is young Mr. Smith looking for?
Those of you who are married or are involved in a serious relationship knew the answer right away….Ian is looking for his balls! He hasn’t seen them in a very long time and probably wouldn’t recognize them even if he did see them. Yet another causality of the gender war!
You know that Ian had to beg and plead to be allowed to attend and the conversation probably went something like this: “Katie Bear can I pleaaaaase go to Club Joques for a few minutes, you know the guys will absolutely torture me if I don’t show.” And you know that she reluctantly agreed but laid out the ground rules well in advance. “I’ll go with you and let you pretend that you are in charge, but we stay for only two beers and then we are out of there, and if you give me any shit I’ll go upside your head when we get in the car.”
Now for the longest time I pictured Ian as being a Sporting News or Sports Illustrated guy, but it turns out I was wrong, this is what Ian reads nowadays.
And then there is my boy Big Ernie Wright whom I call upon every Sunday to come out and have a few beers with the boys, and each and every week it is the same….”I can’t I have to go home the wife wants me home.” So instead of going out with the boys and having a few cold ones, Ernie’s big ass sits home and watches T.V.
That is of course, only when she allows him to handle the remote!
Why am I pointing all these things out once again in the Planet? Well this Sunday while playing against Shamrock Insurance, I overheard the pitcher John Rollins state that he was getting married next Sunday. One of my players inadvertently hit the middle and the ball hit young Mr. Rollins in the foot. John then blurted out: “Better in the foot than somewhere else, I’m getting married next Sunday”. To which I responded: “Take a good look at him guys, this is the last time you will ever see him on a softball field on Sunday.” Apparently I have lost another one!
In my conversation with John, he quoted several points from my previous planets, and could tell me verbatim the stages of a softball player…which indicates a few things. 1. John can obviously read. 2. John has read the Planet and understands the content. 3. John has obviously succumbed to some sort of brainwashing done by his succubus significant other. 4. John is a dead man walking and his softball career ended at the tender young age of 23. Goodbye John, Rest In Peace.
At this point I gave the order to my team to shoot the middle and this time go for the head in order to put young John out of his misery. Sure he is happy now, but wait a few years…he will wish that the ball hit him in the head and made him right again.
Even the umpire said to him: “Don’t listen to him; marriage is great I’m on my third one.” John, there are only two ways out of marriage, one is death and the other is far worse than death….a messy divorce. The divorce part is worse because it leaves you alive wishing you were dead.
Look at my face John…..is this the face of a happy man?
And if you think sex gets any better or there will be more of it…you are in for a rude awakening. Soon you will be like me, just looking for anything warm to snuggle up with.
Well at least he doesn’t snore or fight over the pillows.
One last warning John, get used to seeing this when you tell the wife you are going out on Sunday to play softball and you might stop off at the bar for a few beers with the guys afterwards.
Other News!
Recently we all became painfully aware that our good friend Ryman has become the pupil of one of the most respected hitters in the game of softball Kirby Murphy. Ryman, being the diligent student that he is has not only taken Kirby’s advice on hitting but has gone as far as to emulate his every action, including taping his hands and wrists before hitting. In addition to the technical training that Ryman has endured, Kirby has instructed Ryman on the physical aspects of hitting and has put Ryman on a comprehensive workout regiment to improve his hitting skills. As many great hitters will tell you, it’s all in the legs. Here is Ryman in a grueling leg work out session.
And of course we all know how important cardio is to developing cat like reflexes and speed for running bases. Here again is the rigorous cardio routine of the Ryman.
Ryman isn’t the only one taking his physical fitness to new levels, here we see that Rob Hodde is also working hard to get in shape and demonstrates his stretching techniques before the game to one of his young players.
But I will say this, Ryman has told us about the amazing physical prowess of the new Patriot Oil shortstop, and I have to admit Ryman wasn’t exaggerating. When Ryman said that he was a small guy but had some absolutely incredible moves I was a bit skeptical. However; I saw him this weekend and I have to admit after seeing him play, although he is a small guy he does have some great moves. This kid can flat out move!
In other news…what was to have been the classic matchup of “The Tortoise vs. The Hare” actually turned out to be exactly that as the Tortoise (Bob “I move Like Pond Water” Dutilly) prevailed once again over the fabled Hare (Ian “Man this is embarrassing” Smith) in a flat out foot race this weekend. You can see the stunned looks on the faces of the spectators that witnessed the horrible scene.
Yet another good reason why you shouldn’t take your kids to the ballpark, you never know who will try to lure them in with some candy or a toy!
This weekend the entire On The Roch’s team took our beloved Jason “Little Guy” Desroisers out for night on the town. Unfortunately the Little Guy forgot his I.D. and we could only find one place that would accommodate us. Here is just one look at our team party at Chucky Cheese.
Here is the answer to the question of “Why would a man who does not speak or understand a single word of Spanish watch the Spanish Channel for two solid hours?
Here is the only reason that Rob Raymond, and probably everyone else read Planet Mertog!
And all this time I thought you guys read the Planet because of the deeply hidden metaphors and meaning woven within the carefully constructed tapestry of my writing that only the well trained eye can educe.
Just a word of friendly advice to Ryman…If you want to prattle on endlessly about Kirby Murphy, you can get away with it as long as you have a picture of a hot girl to put in your post. It works for me, no matter how boring the stuff is that I write, If I put up a picture like this…no one really gives a fuck. Rob Raymond doesn’t even read the words, he just looks at the pictures and say’s “Great Planet Mert”!
Watch…blah blah blah blah blah….blah blah blah..blah..blah blah. Blah blah blah blah…..blah!
Do you think anyone was really looking at the words? Know your audience and post what they want to see. It’s just that simple.
Well that is about all I have for this edition of Planet Mertog, and in closing I would like to remind all you bachelors out there who are thinking of getting married….remember, most marriages end as an episode on COPS!
As always…See you out there!
Mertog Out!
June 24, 2008
Get Some!
Mert Goes Off!
This issue of the Planet will be uncharacteristically dissimilar to the previous editions in as much as I am not in my usual jovial mood. In this edition I have some issues that I need clarified for my own personal sanity and for the sanity of the league overall.
My first question is: “Are we still playing softball in the Coventry MEN’S Slo-Pitch League”? I feel it is a valid question with all the whining that has transpired through out the course of the season. For those of you who suffer from short term memory loss let me just remind you of some of the highlights of this season.
Waaaah, the bats are too hot and someone is going to get hurt. Waaaah, the balls are too hard and someone is going to get hurt. Waaaah, the balls don’t hold up and go soft too early. Waaaah there is way too many homeruns. Waaaah now anyone can hit homers. All I can say is: “Are you fucking kidding me?”
When I signed my check over to the league, correct me if I am wrong….but it did say Coventry Men’s Slo-Pitch didn’t it? I did join the right league didn’t I? Excuse me for a second while I pick my jaw back off the floor.
One thing has become overtly apparent, we are not in need of more league rules and regulations, what some of you need are this…..
and this….
So for those of you whiners out there just remember….
Now if all of this incessant whining, or as my good friend P-Diddy would call it “Bitch-ass-ness”, wasn’t enough, perhaps the most stunning display of menstrual cramping came from our good friend Rob Hodde in his legendary piece of literature entitled: “Will It Hurt the League?” In this piece of diatribe Hodde clearly demonstrates just where the mentality of this league has gone, when he poses the question for our thoughtful deliberation, should we essentially kick the VFW out of the league because they are too good?
You have got to be shitting me? This is just way too reminiscent of the clever little subterfuges that those rascals Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin were so fond of using to eliminate their competition. Artie will be vacationing down in Mexico, scouting the leagues down there for new talent and one of Hodde’s goons will creep up on him and assassinate him like Leon Trotsky.
All of this because Artie shot the box only missing Hodde by 19 feet, clearly under the distance of 20 feet which is prescribed in the restraining order that Hodde had placed on all softballs.
This is what I call the “Harrison Bergeron” mentality. Yes I know, I pulled out one of my obscure sub-references again and you are all looking at the computer screen right now saying “what the Fuck is Mert talking about?” Harrison Bergeron was a fictitious short story written by Kurt Vonnegut about how we as a society are so obsessed with political correctness that it is actually crippling our society. It also points out the glaring realities that we are no longer a society based on the survival of the fittest but have done a complete 180 and have allowed the weak to prevail.
In the story, those who were blessed with athletic prowess would have to wear hundreds of pounds of weight to bring their ability down to the level of the weak. Those whom were smarter would get a sharp piercing sound blasted through their heads to scramble their thoughts so they would not be smarter than anyone else. You’re starting to see where I am going with this aren’t you?
Isn’t that exactly what Hodde was prescribing? The scary part was some of you were actually entertaining this notion! Now don’t get me wrong I have no problem making Ernie Wright wear three hundred pounds of weight on his body when he plays to even things up just a bit, but even then I’m sure he would bitch about getting thrown out by two steps so it kind of defeats the point.
I know Hodde, it wasn’t your idea…you were just repeating what you heard someone else say, and that is my point….there are many amongst us who are in dire need of medication.
What it comes down to is this, everyone decided that we wanted to improve this league, raise the level of competition and make the league even better than it was. This is not accomplished by trying to eliminate teams because they have done a better job than we have of building a team. When did success become a bad thing that should be punished instead of revered? Some of you have it all backwards! So to all of you….you need to be reminded of this simple fact!
Here is some recommended reading material for you chronic whiners!
Coventry has been officially declared a “NO WHINING ZONE”
Next on my agenda is Ryman! It seems Ryman wanted to call me out on the Smack pages and cautioned me about my advanced age and was concerned that I might break a hip. Well, my only retort can be: “Ryman, be careful you don’t break a tooth on Kirby’s Zipper.”
Remember Ryman….you said: “BRING IT”
Ryman, each generation has their heroes to worship. Rob Raymond probably sat around on Saturday mornings in his footed pajamas with his coon skin cap, reminiscent of Ralphy in a Christmas Story, worshipping Daniel Boone or Davey Crockett. Ryno and I most likely had Six Million Dollar Man or The Fonz pajamas, while Ian and Ernie probably wore Superman or The Hulk underoos. Then there is you, who wore and probably still don your Kirby Murphy underoos. This might explain why you can’t get any action my friend! I do hear that there is some sort of pregnancy pact going on at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts, you might want to look into that…even you might have a shot there!
By the way, Kirby called and said he is bestowing the honor of letting you carry his bat and bag to the field this weekend…which is not too much of a stretch from you carrying his bat and bag on your forehead as you are naturally accustomed to doing. Interesting statistic for you, you have hit more balls off your chin this year than you have with your bat. (I’ve got a million of these kid)
Ryman, everyone needs a hero, and I have no problem whatsoever with you worshipping the ground that Kirby walks on….he is a great guy to learn from, but for Christ sake…come up for air once in awhile or you will start looking like this.
Right now I know you are faced with some tough choices, do you log on to your computer and watch Softball 360 and watch Kirby warm up on the on deck circle over and over on a repeated loop…
….or do you simply masturbate to the Hannah Montana poster hanging over your bed?
Or perhaps write another rousing review of a bat you can’t swing?
It has officially been “broughten”!
They say that even a broken clock is right twice a day and in this case the old adage is true. Artie Spinard was absolutely correct when he said USSSA was the way to go. So before I say goodbye, I think a shout out for our new umpires is in order.
These guys are punctual, prudent, and professional and any other “P” word you can think of that sounds impressive! I cannot tell you how superior they are to the old ASA regime. Artie, nice job getting USSSA to come here to Coventry it was definitely the right move.
Having said all of this, I was extremely distressed at a recent managers meeting when the beloved old veteran Rob Raymond walked into the PNA wearing a “Bitch-Assed” powder blue ASA umpire shirt. There is no escaping the truth and immediately the evidence was caught on film by our own Ian Smith.
Now despite all the love for Rob Raymond and his prowess on a blender, his ability to make the best tasting and most potent frozen mud slides in Rhode Island, Rob is still a traitor. The sheer audacity, the brazen display of his immense pair of stones, to actually walk into the PNA wearing the evil empires fucking uniform just destroyed my admiration for the man. Rob I’m shooting the box on you when we play you and I’m not fucking apologizing for it either.
The most important thing about being an ASA umpire is learning “THE MOVE” and this of course is the move.
It’s the most effort and exertion you will see from an ASA umpire the entire game, which of course is perfect for Rob Raymond with his being an elderly gentleman and all
Speaking of Evil Empires it seems that Artie and the VFW have joined the ranks of an elite list of Evil Empires throughout history.
The Yankees
Microsoft
The Nazi’s
The Ruskie’s
Cobra Kai (Sweep The Leg, Do You Have a Problem with that?)
The Empire (Duh!)
…and now of course we have The VFW!
Recently, Artie and Company were captured in the deep, dark depths of their training facility in the midst of some sort of ritual that Artie conducts with his team in preparation for their game. They truly are the Evil Empire!
Recently at the Botelho’s Rochs game Ian and Mac were captured on film. The expression of sheer delight on Ian’s face reiterates the old adage that small things amuse small minds.
Finally in closing, all of you guys that are feuding back and forth with one another, please remember the inspiring words of one of America’s greatest minds…Rodney King, when he said….
Mertog Out!
May 21, 2008
Get Some!
As I am sitting here writing this edition of Planet Mertog, I contemplate how I arrived at this station of my life. I never in my wildest dreams would have supposed that there would ever be a market to write for a softball website. However; after being inundated by a multitude of e-mails from curious readers, I felt it necessary to answer the burning question that everyone has asked me…that being what is it like to be Mertog? What goes on in the mind of Coventry’s premier sports journalist? What is a day in the life of Mertog like? Well, actually nobody has ever asked me those questions, but I just thought I would tell you anyway. I’m super thanks for asking!
I guess if I had to sum up what my life is like I would have to say…constant, unrelenting pressure. I used to think that writing beneath the “Jack-Boot” of the “Great Oppressor” Ian Smith was pressure, but now I have the rest of you writing nasty e-mails to me raising my angina to critical levels. I am living on Alka Seltzer and Tums because of you bastards.
April 8, 2008
Planet Mertog Get Some!
“This one sounds like trouble,” his attorney responds. “You’re going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. And my first advice is that you should rent a very fast car with no top. This blows my weekend, because naturally I’ll have to go with you--and we’ll have to arm ourselves.” Hunter S. Thompson
In all honesty, I have to admit to all of you that this was the most arduous writing task that I have ever encountered for various reasons. The first problem I encountered was that I had absolutely no subject in mind to write about. I emptied the tank on the last “Planet Mertog” and was under the impression that I had fulfilled my obligation to Smitty at least long enough for one of you guys to set off a spark in the Tinder-Box and give me something fresh to spout my blow-hole about. Essentially I was suffering from severe writer’s block, if in fact you would consider calling what I do writing, in as much as I have nothing new or uniquely original to say. I simply borrow upon the work of others and from time to time I get lucky and say the same things that someone else once said, just in a different way.
I actually thought I might have some great material when Rob Raymond called me and said that our good friend Fiskey had been arrested at Club Joques, but this turned out to be nothing more than a malicious rumor.
So if it isn’t too much trouble, I’m asking someone out there to take one for the team, get drunk and do something utterly despicable so that the rest of us can have something to laugh about. Maybe you could take Fiskey or Artie out for a night of debauchery, that’s sure to generate some interesting conversation. Maybe one of you guys could take Ian out for a few drinks and wind up sleeping it off under the stars on the outfield of Club Joques, that story generated some of the greatest “You’re so gay” jokes that I have ever seen or heard.
tThe second problem is the unrelenting pressure that is placed upon me by the “Spooning Master” Ian Smith or as I call him, “Jesus in Cleats”.So my good friend (slave driver) Ian Smith (Nazi bastard) called me (yelled at me) and asked me (ordered me) to write (scribble with crayons) a new Planet Mertog (sub-par piece of shit that people read and laugh to themselves about what a douche I am)
So I said to Ian (cried like a little bitch) ”I don’t have anything to write about” (my big bag of bullshit is empty ) and he said:” no pressure buddy, whenever you can get it to me (fuck you Mert, you lazy, whiney bitch, why are you wasting time on the phone with me when you should be writing you dumb fuck?)
So Smitty finally offers a topic for me to write about (forces me to accept at gunpoint) and we agreed (I had no fucking choice whatsoever) that topic would be about what we managers go through in the course of the season. (Pure Misery). Which was not really a topic that I wanted to write about, but you try telling Smitty no…the man is a fucking animal. I must confess that I am scared of him. He reminds me quite a bit of an old teacher-nun, grand Inquisitor that I once had back in my Catholic School (Gulag/Concentration Camp) days when I was a young lad and have been suppressing in the back of my subconscious ever since.
As I spoke to Smitty on the phone, the long suppressed images of the nun-inquisitors came rushing back to the forefront of my mind. Clad in thick, brown-woolen holocaust cloaks known as habits, which they wore them even on the hottest of summer days, thus, explaining their miserable demeanor most of the time. They resembled grazing water buffalos as they patrolled the school yard, ensuring that the hapless children, whose parents had forsaken them into the hands of these miserable bastards, had absolutely no fun whatsoever during recess. This made them easy to spot and avoid at all costs. Me and my good friend Jimmy would watch from our safe haven amid the thick bushes as the nuns pounced upon some poor helpless child like a pack of wild hyenas on a young marsupial, and drag him/her away and into of deep dark chasm the basement. This is where they took the bad kids who got grass stains on their uniforms while playing in the yard. “Oh shit! They snatched one up, poor bastard we’ll never see him again.”
They were the cruelest of the cruel and everything I know about working in a prison I learned from the nuns. This is not mere exaggeration to embellish my story, this is absolute truth. Prison has nothing on being locked away at a Catholic School. I remind the inmates every time they whine about the conditions at the prison, “Shut up you pussy, I went to Catholic school!” I remind my children when they start getting a little rowdy that Catholic school is not out of the question for them too.
I swear that these evil bastards migrated from Germany immediately after World War II after they lost their jobs in the concentration camps. If the JDL is serious about finding at large war criminals they should definitely look into Convents. They wouldn’t be altogether that difficult to find, they usually adopt names that reflect their personality such as; Sister Mary Bloody Ruler, Sister Mary Pain and Suffering, Sister Mary Shut up and Do What You are Told, Sister Mary God Hates You Little Bastards…etc. etc. And there you have it, Mertog going off on a tangent of terrible suppressed memories. Writing is therapeutic, I feel much better now. Let’s get back to the story shall we?
Smitty is not much different from them in as much he is a teacher and he is a mean son of a bitch when I don’t make the deadline for the Planet. When people ask me where I get the inspiration to write my columns, I have to tell them it’s out of pure fear! I don’t need Smitty coming over to the house and beating me about the head and neck with his ruler.
Smitty told me the other night that he was now coaching Basketball, to which I could only imagine Smitty giving them the same pep talk he gave his Sunday morning team. “Listen you bunch of Once-A-Week Mutha Fucka’s I said box out, what fucking part of that do you nappy headed ho’s not get?”
Yeah, I said nappy headed ho’s so fire me! Imus got his job back and so will I!
Lately the term once a week mutha fuckas has been thrown around like the new catch phrase in Coventry and I feel it is incumbent upon me to explain the origin of Coventry’s new war cry. It was a warm summer day at the ballpark and we were playing Bothelo’s when Ian got a nice hit and was on first base. The next batter came up and flew out to deep left center and Smitty for some reason didn’t tag up and take second. A couple guys on his team said: “Smitty you should have tagged up you’d be on second right now.” That’s when it happened; the greatest line ever uttered by a human being came out of the mouth of Ian Smith. “Shut up you Once-A-Week Mutha Fucka’s and let me run the fucking bases!” Pure magic!
Since then the term has become a mantra for those of us who only play but once a week. Two very valuable lessons can be extracted from this story; first Ian is an ill tempered creature and secondly, don’t say anything in front of Mert that you don’t want to see in the Planet! There are multiple forms of communication, Television, Telephone, Telegraph, Tell Mert! I can only keep a secret if you ask me to keep our conversations in strict confidentiality and even then it is debatable. I can’t tell you how much fear and trepidation I inspire in people who actually have the balls to call or e-mail me. The conversation usually goes: “Hey Mert what’s up. Listen I need to talk to you and this is not for the Planet”. Immediately I am no longer listening to you. “Mert you’re going to love this one, but you can’t write about it in the Planet.” Then what the fuck are you telling me for? Silly rabbit!
Then there is Ian who in every conversation that we have ever had begs and pleads with me to find another object of devotion or as he so eloquently puts it “Get off my dick already will ya!” Once again, this is the wrong thing to say to yours truly. This only ensures that I will not only continue to be on your dick but will make certain that I go to eleven on the dial.
March 16, 2008
Planet Mertog
SHOTS FIRED, CALL 911!
Praise Jesus and pass the ammunition! We’ve got SMACK here in Coventry once again! This isn’t the friendly garden variety of SMACK that we’re all accustomed to here in Coventry; this is the kind of SMACK that previously was reserved for me. This is the kind of Smack that I get from ugly disgruntled Planet readers who want to wrap a bat around my head at a Hess station at 2:00a.m, simply because I love to write about Coventry softball. And that, as you all know somehow qualifies me as being gay!
Was there some sort of extraterrestrial event that none of us were aware of that shifted the alignment of the planets and caused such a change in the mood on the website? Did Dutilly move his big head thus throwing off kilter the earth’s rotational force?
Even creepy non-threatening pedophiles like Michael are changing into ferocious killers! He went from “Drink your Jesus juice and put on your jammies, I’ll be there in a minute” to tearing out the jugular veins of young females. Sorry went off on a tangent there.
Whatever the case may be, the tension around here is thicker than Oprah Winfrey’s thighs. So what is it that has everyone throwing the razor sharp accusations and innuendos around so liberally? Where did all the character assassination come from. Inquiring minds want to know!
Pop Goes the Weasel and the Weasel Goes Pop!
Using the posted messages as our “Zapruder Film” we can see the exact moment that the first shot was fired, so in our little character assassination investigation there is no grassy knoll to hide in, and there is no “Magic Bullet” theory! We can see that Artie was the lone gunman and had no accomplices.
People will claim that there is no way that Artie could have gotten off so many clean shots in such a short period of time since he is using an older keyboard, but our typing experts have shown that it is in fact possible.
But what was Artie’s motive? What got his Britney all red an irritated? Apparently my boy is claiming Shenanigans. The main issue seems to be that Josh Dionne made some phone calls to some of Artie’s “Blue Chips” and offered them some sort of deal which included free beer, free food, free oil service and perhaps even sexual favors! (Okay the last one I made up, but since the Governor Eliot Spitzer story hit the news I need something equally big. Besides around here it doesn’t have to be true, it just needs to be said.)
Now as soon as the first few shots were fired, Mert’s mail bag swelled like Tommy Lee in a room full of college co-eds. There were allegations about Artie creating a “Master Race Team” of genetically enhanced softball players and allegations of Josh and smoky backroom deals in order to create his monster squad.
Just for the record, I love all the e-mails and I thank everyone for participating, but my name is Uncle Mertog and not Senator George Mitchell. I’m not going to investigate anything nor will I be filing a report for the league president nor am I going to pull the Baxter’s in for a senate hearing on the matter. Although I kind of like the idea of creating a “Mertog Commission” and writing the “Mertog Report”, naming players whom are possibly involved in some sort of sordid affairs. I think I’ll start with Dutilly we all know he is always up to something illegal, the cheatin’ bastard!
Personally I don’t know what is true and what is not, other than the fact that this is great stuff to give us all some good gossip to buzz about, there really isn’t anything substantive about any of this. It has entertainment value and nothing more. Not one solitary individual who was directly involved and can prove or disprove any of the allegations has come forth to illuminate us.
So what is my take on this whole sordid matter? Personally, I think the whole thing is absolutely hilarious and makes for good gossip around the company water cooler, nothing more. You know Ryno has a chubby right now and has been waiting patiently for some good gossip for two years now. Ryno…you are still the man and we all love ya brother even though you are in stage 4.
This whole thing has been completely blown way out of proportion and I think that it was simply Artie’s way of breaking Dionne’s ball sack. He was simply throwing Dionne under the bus for making some phone calls to a couple of players. I doubt Artie is actually one of those testosterone laden high-school boys who wants to beat you up for talking to his girlfriend which is exactly how this thing seems to look. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of Artie’s suck up apologists I’m just saying I think the whole thing was actually just a way to get in a little jab at Dionne…and it was funny.
Just to let everyone in on something that I have not yet discussed with anyone, but last year I had three coaches call me asking for Howard and Costello’s phone numbers. Apparently they were interested in getting my boys to play with them in some tournaments. So I called Howard and Costello and asked them if they minded if I gave their number out. I called the coaches back and gave them both their numbers. Now I’m not exactly a rocket scientist but I’m smart enough to know how guys work. You get the players to go to tournaments with you they have a good time and suddenly they are playing Sunday mornings with your team as well. It is a smart strategy and doesn’t make you look like a fucking weasel.
Now I don’t fault anyone with trying to make their team better and trying to lure players over to their team. There is absolutely nothing in the rules that states that this is illegal to do. We are all playing for fun, because we love the game. None of us are getting paid (unless of course you are getting free oil, food, beer and back massages) and none of us have agents or lawyers representing us (unless of course your playing for Patriot and Ryman is handling you) so who cares who plays where?
In addition, everyone in this league wears big boy pants now and can make up their own mind where they are going to play. The decision is ultimately up to them. If said player chooses to play for someone else because he is getting a better deal that is entirely up to them and not the managers. No one put a gun to their head to get them to leave, so if people are going to be pissed off they should be pissed off with the player who walked away from his team and not the manager who lured him away. I never understood why guys would get pissed off with other guys trying to talk to their girls in the hallway of high school, when in all actuality they should have been pissed off with the girl for being the high-school hump. We’re not in high-school anymore guys, time to let that shit go.
This being said…it is still a douche move to try to steal away players from another team. If you know that a guy is looking for another team and isn’t going back to his team I say make every overture you can to get him to play for you. But to try to dislodge a player from his team…this is a different story entirely and it is a dirty move. So I guess my opinion on the matter is that it all depends on how it was done.
Now I by no means am trying to dissuade anyone from writing SMACK, in fact I love it no matter how ridiculous it is. Why, because in essence what is happening is that rivalries are forming and rivalries make this game great. Nothing could be better for this league and for competition itself than a good old fashioned “Hatfield and McCoy” feud to make the games more interesting. I for one can't wait to see VFW and Crowe battle it out, or Moulton and Crowe go at it, reminiscent of the good old Celtics and Lakers days and if it turns into a Pacers Pistons debacle, even fucking better! It gives me more material to write about. Not that I condone violence of any kind, well no that’s not true I love it.
It’s all about incentive and there is nothing more inspiring and motivates a team than one of the strongest human emotions…pure unadulterated hatred. What sparks a team to play their hardest more than wanting to just beat the living hell out of their opponents? Think about it and you will come to the same conclusion that I have, when you like the other team you’re not quite as motivated as you are when you just want to go out and hurt someone. Admit it you all know it’s true.
I know I’m going catch shit from some flaming, bleeding heart liberal who actually believes violence is something that we should avoid at all costs. I expect that kind of bullshit from people who have no concept of human nature. Violence is not something that we should all avoid; it is something that we should all try to understand. If you in fact understand violence you begin to understand human nature and vice versa.
Let me break it down for you like this. It is clear that men are far more violent than women this is documented fact. Now if you were to study physiology you would find that men are a sort of atavistic anomaly in as much as they still demonstrate certain physiological traits that show we were designed for violence. The presence of testosterone, the upper body strength and the sharp incisor teeth all are indicators that we were once designed to kill for self preservation. Now of course there is no reason for us to behave as violently as we did when we were cavemen but we still possess those traits with nothing or no one to use them on. So we are violent creatures designed for violent purposes as a means of survival and no outlet. This explains the inherent violence in our sports. We invented a way of being violent without going to jail for being violent.
Now knowing what we do about the biological and chemical makeup of man, the question shouldn’t be why so many people behave violently but why so many don’t. My personal opinion is that women have neutered most of us. We’re like dogs, once you chop off the nuts our will to fight goes out the window.
However we invented games like football, MMA and softball Smack to get out our violent tendencies! So it is completely natural for you guys to want to kill one another and I applaud you for still having enough of your balls left to vent here on the website for all of us neutered old dogs to enjoy. Thank you and God bless you for the SMACK….carry on!
I’m spitting some knowledge this week yo!
This is “Once-a-Week Mutha-Fucker Country”
So there I am reading the SMACK pages as I’m known to do from time to time when I come across several posts which talk about shortening the season and creating divisions and all I can say to that is WHAT THE FUCK! I never in my life thought I would hear guys complain about a season being too long. Two questions…what are you smoking and do you have any left?
Now I understand that SOME players play in multiple leagues and that is absolutely great, I have absolutely no problem with that at all. I understand you guys play a lot of ball and you probably get burned out, I can appreciate that. However; my problem is that many of these guys want the league to bow down and kiss their asses and accommodate them as opposed to the guys who only play in this league and can’t get enough games in. They play all summer and then look forward to fall ball. These are the guys that I have to support.
I know when we play these guys that they will be there and not at some tournament. This league gives them a chance to play and that is what makes this league great, there is room for everyone.
I feel that I must point out that this is a Sunday morning league, a damn good one at that…but a Sunday morning league just the same. That means this is “Once-a-week Mutha Fucker” Country, ya heard!
Oh and just so you all know, remember these guy’s they won the championship because they cared enough to show up for the game. People broke their balls saying they should have postponed to accommodate the other team whose top priority was elsewhere. I say they did the right thing by making their top priority this league.
So the argument now becomes who and what is this league designed for, those who play in several different leagues or the guys who only play on Sunday. I personally feel that this league was/is meant for the guys who ONLY play here. Once again I have no problem with guys playing here that play in other leagues, and we all realize you are only using this league to get more swings in and get more practice for your night leagues. When guys start talking about changing things here to accommodate themselves at the expense of the guys who only play in one league, that’s where the problem begins. You have several places to play whereas most of the guys here only play here so why should they change to accommodate you.
As far as the level of competition, well if it isn’t up to your standards simply leave and go play where the competition is up to your standards, leave and let the “Once-a-Week Mutha Fuckers” at least have their league and their day to play. I saw one post that said it was nothing more than two hours of boredom for his team, I’m sorry to hear that and the door is located right there, don’t let it hit you on the ass on the way out.
This is all some guys have and it would be a shame to let a bunch of guys who play in several leagues come in and dominate the schedule and all the rule changes…its pure bullshit. I was always against the exemption rule and now I know why it is there, to protect the guys who only play once a week from being overwhelmed by guys who are only here to use this league as practice.
This league is a league for guys who only play here and their dedication and loyalty is to this league, it is the only place they have and I have to support those people first and foremost above the needs of guys who are able to play in multiple leagues.
Once again having guys who play in multiple leagues is great for competition and makes a team better for sure, but to say that we should jockey teams around and make divisions is pure bullshit and it will never fly. It is unfair and wrong to do that to people who only have one place to play. There are many guys who could play in other leagues but choose to only play here simply because it fits their lifestyle at this juncture in their life. I have several guys who played in many leagues and have been to the worlds and have done all that shit you guys are doing now but have found themselves in a position now with wives, kids, coaching, and work, where this is the only place they can play right now and it will happen to you guys someday as well.
This league accommodates everyone very well the way it is and you have a choice to play here or not whereas they don’t have a choice. However, it is their league and not yours and it should not change to accommodate the few over the many.
So my vote will always reflect that which is best for the league overall and those who hold this league as their top priority that is the only fair way to go. The league itself should always do what is in the interest of its own self-preservation. It should only make rules which accommodate those whose primary responsibility is to this league. We should not consider anything that accommodates other leagues, that is not our concern…our only concern is this league. If teams in this league have tournaments and other leagues to worry about that is their concern and not ours. If people want to play in this league that means playing according to the rules and schedules that are in place and if they can’t do that then they need to look into playing elsewhere.
That’s Mertog’s take on that subject.
Meanwhile back in Gotham, the good news is that at least we don’t have to deal with ASA umpires any longer. We’ve got USSSA this year and that means it’s all good.
I know I can’t wait for this season to begin and I looked forward to seeing everyone out there this year. I think we are going to have one of the best seasons ever.
I just want to take a moment here to thank Ernie Wright and Ian Smith who both steered me in the direction of On The Roch’s. Jerome is a phenomenal guy and a great sponsor and I really appreciate the tip, it saved me huge amounts of money by not having to sponsor the team myself and it helps out a great guy who has a great place.
. Oh and Josh, stay the fuck away from my sponsor! (Relax I’m just screwing with you…it was a joke)
Ernie and Ian, you guys are the best!
You didn’t think I would write a Planet without a little Smitty and Ernie worship did you? I’ll bet you all were saying to yourselves…when is Mertog going to blow someone this week?
Oh and by the way, I saw Knight at one of the Managers meetings and this guy got even bigger than the last time I saw him, he is a walking meat wall! He looks like Brock Fucking Lesnar!
Knight, if you are interested I could use a bodyguard…let me know it includes free oil service, free food and free beer. (Just fucking with you again Josh) If I keep pissing these guys off I really might need you as a bodyguard! Ryno used to be my bodyguard but presently he is in stage 4 and when I call him he is usually doing the laundry or vacuuming the house.
Ryno, you are truly missed!
Well that’s it for me this week and as always…see you out there!
Mertog Out!
March 6, 2008
Mert’s Mailbag! 
Well the E-mails keep pouring in, and I can barely keep up with them…which is a huge indicator of just how much interest there is this league. Perhaps even more interesting is the fact that the majority of E-mails come from people outside our league. So once again I pass on the letters to you so that you can see what is being said about our little corner of the softball world.
So let’s get right into shall we. The first e-mail comes from D.
Hey Mert! What’s your take on the USSSA bat list? You seem to be on both sides. I’ve always played in an Utrip league and I don’t know why there would be any question about the bats. ASA is just way too limited with the bat choices you have. I think you guys will love having a much larger list of bats to choose from.
D, first thanks for the E-mail. The major questions that arose at the meeting when we were discussing the bat list were player safety and the small fields.
Essentially a couple of people had concern about the pitchers being in the line of fire. I disagree that the pitcher is anymore at risk then he was previously. The Freak is in no shape or way a 98 bat and anyone who believes it is, well they are just fooling themselves. The Freak stands up to many of the 120 bats of today and probably launches 375 balls just as well as any 120 bat will. The Freak was in no matter if we went with the old bat list or adopted the new USSSA list, so the point became moot really. In addition we are still going with the .44 core .375 compression balls which will not allow any of the 120 bats to perform at their maximum potential.
The league has the over-the-middle guy who protects the pitcher simply by taking a big open area away from the batter and thus removing the temptation of shooting the middle for a base hit. The league has adopted the USSSA pitching rules which allows the pitcher to back up an additional six feet. So in my opinion there are an abundance of safety precautions, lower compression balls, the over-the-middle guy, six more feet of safety zone and by keeping the arc the same, there won’t be any more comebackers than there was the previous year and in fact this year with the 6 additional feet, the pitcher is even safer than he was last year where he was still facing the Freak with less space.
As far as the fields go, I can really see no need to have the 120 bats in as much as it allows lesser hitters to hit more homers. Not that I have any objection to 120 bats at all, but personally I feel other than to allow guys to swing the same bat in all their leagues there really was no reason to go with USSSA bats.
I’m looking forward to seeing how some of these teams play their game with the potential to hit more homers. I honestly believe that unless teams are smart, the temptation to hit the homer with empty bases will come up a lot. I know a lot of guys on my team have already been talking about how some of these guys will come up and go for the homer now because they are under the impression that anyone will be able to hit homers now. I don’t know how many more homers will be hit this year but I assure you a lot of guys will be trying for them. I know that on my team if you take one out, the bases better be loaded or you will be getting an earful from me. Even then with the bases loaded the situation better be right. It’s all about the situation, how much game is left to play, how many homers you have already used, the score, how many outs you have, how many does the other team have left and so on and so forth. These are things that the much more experienced players think about before they go for the fence but I doubt that teams with less experience even think about it. It’s pretty much grip and rip. This is the only area where I think the game will degenerate just a bit, guys won’t be thinking about the situation they are in and will simply just hit out because they can.
I think it was Tim Cress that talked about the reason why Rhode Island teams don’t do so well in major national tournaments was because of the bats and the lost art of base-hitting. In Rhode Island we play on much smaller fields than they do in other states and because we have the ability to hit the homers and score runs pretty easily, when we go to bigger fields or tournaments that don’t allow homers, generally we seem to do pretty poorly because so many players don’t know how to hit for bases rather than homers. Having players that know how to find the holes and shoot the ball into the opposite field is far more important than guys who come up and blast away in the long run. Teams that can do the things like hit the ball to a spot and hit to the opposite field will always do better than teams that can’t.
That’s just my opinion of course.
The next E-mail comes from John
Mert, I read your stuff on the board all the time,just wanted to tell you that a lot of people who aren’t in the league read the stuff you write and they love it, funny as fuckin hell. I’m in a couple of leagues now, Atwood and Johnston and would play in Coventry but I’m not going to sit out a year to play there. I think the fields kind of suck but you guys definitely have a lot of great players that I play with in my other leagues. You guys will love Utrip, definitely a much better style of play. Welcome to 2008.
John, thanks for the e-mail. Thanks for the compliment I really appreciate it. I find it absolutely amazing to me that people find me even the slightest bit funny, THE WIFE doesn’t think I’m funny at all and she makes it a point to tell me on a daily basis. “You’re not funny, you’re an asshole.” Thanks so much for putting even more pressure on me to be funny. I’ll be honest each time I write a “Planet Mertog”I sit there and giggle to myself, and I run it by “THE WIFE” who sits there with this blank stare on her face. Then I find myself trying to explain the humor behind the joke. She’ll stop me and say “I get the joke douche-bag….it’s just not funny. “ I guess you could say I just write what I think is funny to me and hope others will giggle like a little school girl like I do when they read it.
The next letter comes from thegreathumungus
Mert, great stuff keep it comin! Hey, did you ever think of becoming a professional writer?
Excellent question! The question has been asked of me several times, “Why didn’t you ever pursue a career in writing?” I suppose my feelings on writing as a legitimate means of support can be summed up by the late great Hunter S. Thompson when he wrote: “I’ve always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it’s a bit like fucking, which it’s only fun for amateurs. Old whores don’t do much giggling.” That and the fact I’m not really much good at it.
I have always found that the minute you turn a hobby into a job, the activity itself loses its appeal. Once you get paid for something it becomes a job and thus it becomes work and as we all know….work sucks. You can actually find some sort of strange joy and solace in a hobby, but how many people take joy in their work? I think it would just absolutely kill all the fun of it if for some reason if I had to do it for a living. That and as I said before, I’m not really any good at it. I think I would be one broke sorry son of a bitch if I had to write to feed the family. No fun involved in starving either.
Thanks for the E-mail
The next E-mail comes from a guy who isn’t in the league right now but reads our website and e-mails me often with some great stuff.
Good to see USSSA get passed for the league and better umpiring alone will make it worth the decision.
The people involved with running the league seem to want to do what ever it takes to making improvements which is why that league is having continuous success with growing.......And dont worry, Artie will not let none of u go without hearing how it was all his doing.lol
I dont think it will be too much longer for that league to be able to have 3 divisions of 10-12 teams each like Warwick has with the rate it has been going. Then you could possibly have the divisions separate for Upper level skilled teams that are more competitive, a middle division and a lower division for the teams that are less competitive like Warwick does with their Sunday league. Or if the parity between teams is that close, just have separate divisions in the same league.
What ever way things go, there's no doubt with the change to USSSA the league will be better off for the quality of softball playing as compared to how it was in the past for Coventry.
Sorry to learn about the division of your own team,but I think you will somehow be better off.
Having to go thru that kind of aggrevation with that many players is not called for. not surprising that its the younger players that are the root problems. And your certainly right about the team chemistry being the most important goal for the team to be successful, like we had talked a little about before.
Dont understand why some of the few guys like yourself who "get it" have such a hard time having consistant loyalty from players.
If you have a spot for an exempt player , let me know. I would play for u without hesitation. Probably one of the very few that I could play for with the kind of team you want to field. I think I missed one of your posts about the stages of players, so that point went over my head. So I cant gauge on that.
ps. Loved the ted nugent clip. such common sense is always the most extreme looked upon by our powers that be.
Excellent E-mail once again my friend. The people running the league are doing a fantastic job making this league more and more competitive each and every year. The simple fact is that people who don’t even play in the league are reading the website to see what is going on here in Coventry, and that is a testament to all the hard work that they are doing is paying off. The Baxter’s, Ian Smith, Rob Raymond and of course Artie have done a great job bringing the league up to speed so to speak.
I will definitely keep you posted as to whether I have an exemption spot available, If I do I would love to have you on the squad.
The reference to the stages of players was from one of the previous Planet Mertog’s that is posted on the website. It talks about the stages of life of a softball player, if you get a minute or two check it out under Planet Mertog, scroll down and you will see what we were talking about. It’s kind of a running gag with some of the guys now.
Ted is the man for sure, he just tells it like it is.
Once again thanks for your e-mail.
The next e-mail is once again my favorite since it comes from my new best friend, The RealDezeel!
Hey fuckface you wanna meet me I’ll wrap a bat around your fucking head kid you gay mother fucker I’ll break your fucking head..
Whoops, apparently I pissed someone off! Well Mr. Dezeel you have committed yourself to performing some sort of miracle since it is impossible to wrap a bat around someone’s head when said bat is deeply entrenched in your anal cavity. This in turn presents me with an equally difficult challenge since it would be nearly impossible to fit a bat in that area since it is presently occupied by your head.
I noticed in your letter that you are from West Warwick, which explains your writing. I find it extremely ironic that West Warwick has chosen a wizard for their mascot, since I have yet to actually meet a Wizard that came from West Warwick. Case in point, you would need a tutor to manage the difficult passages on the label of a Budweiser bottle.
As for your generous offer to meet you I feel that I must decline since I abhor violence. Nah, I’m just kidding I actually love it but I simply refuse to fight with a psychological chew toy over an internet blog. Surely even a Neanderthal such as yourself can see the stupidity in that. However I think what you really need is just a great big man hug, so if you are interested…come here ya big fucking psycho you!
Well that about it for this week folks, and as always…
See you out there.
Mertog out!
Well the E-mails keep pouring in, and I can barely keep up with them…which is a huge indicator of just how much interest there is this league. Perhaps even more interesting is the fact that the majority of E-mails come from people outside our league. So once again I pass on the letters to you so that you can see what is being said about our little corner of the softball world.
So let’s get right into shall we. The first e-mail comes from D.
Hey Mert! What’s your take on the USSSA bat list? You seem to be on both sides. I’ve always played in an Utrip league and I don’t know why there would be any question about the bats. ASA is just way too limited with the bat choices you have. I think you guys will love having a much larger list of bats to choose from.
D, first thanks for the E-mail. The major questions that arose at the meeting when we were discussing the bat list were player safety and the small fields.
Essentially a couple of people had concern about the pitchers being in the line of fire. I disagree that the pitcher is anymore at risk then he was previously. The Freak is in no shape or way a 98 bat and anyone who believes it is, well they are just fooling themselves. The Freak stands up to many of the 120 bats of today and probably launches 375 balls just as well as any 120 bat will. The Freak was in no matter if we went with the old bat list or adopted the new USSSA list, so the point became moot really. In addition we are still going with the .44 core .375 compression balls which will not allow any of the 120 bats to perform at their maximum potential.
The league has the over-the-middle guy who protects the pitcher simply by taking a big open area away from the batter and thus removing the temptation of shooting the middle for a base hit. The league has adopted the USSSA pitching rules which allows the pitcher to back up an additional six feet. So in my opinion there are an abundance of safety precautions, lower compression balls, the over-the-middle guy, six more feet of safety zone and by keeping the arc the same, there won’t be any more comebackers than there was the previous year and in fact this year with the 6 additional feet, the pitcher is even safer than he was last year where he was still facing the Freak with less space.
As far as the fields go, I can really see no need to have the 120 bats in as much as it allows lesser hitters to hit more homers. Not that I have any objection to 120 bats at all, but personally I feel other than to allow guys to swing the same bat in all their leagues there really was no reason to go with USSSA bats.
I’m looking forward to seeing how some of these teams play their game with the potential to hit more homers. I honestly believe that unless teams are smart, the temptation to hit the homer with empty bases will come up a lot. I know a lot of guys on my team have already been talking about how some of these guys will come up and go for the homer now because they are under the impression that anyone will be able to hit homers now. I don’t know how many more homers will be hit this year but I assure you a lot of guys will be trying for them. I know that on my team if you take one out, the bases better be loaded or you will be getting an earful from me. Even then with the bases loaded the situation better be right. It’s all about the situation, how much game is left to play, how many homers you have already used, the score, how many outs you have, how many does the other team have left and so on and so forth. These are things that the much more experienced players think about before they go for the fence but I doubt that teams with less experience even think about it. It’s pretty much grip and rip. This is the only area where I think the game will degenerate just a bit, guys won’t be thinking about the situation they are in and will simply just hit out because they can.
I think it was Tim Cress that talked about the reason why Rhode Island teams don’t do so well in major national tournaments was because of the bats and the lost art of base-hitting. In Rhode Island we play on much smaller fields than they do in other states and because we have the ability to hit the homers and score runs pretty easily, when we go to bigger fields or tournaments that don’t allow homers, generally we seem to do pretty poorly because so many players don’t know how to hit for bases rather than homers. Having players that know how to find the holes and shoot the ball into the opposite field is far more important than guys who come up and blast away in the long run. Teams that can do the things like hit the ball to a spot and hit to the opposite field will always do better than teams that can’t.
That’s just my opinion of course.
The next E-mail comes from John
Mert, I read your stuff on the board all the time,just wanted to tell you that a lot of people who aren’t in the league read the stuff you write and they love it, funny as fuckin hell. I’m in a couple of leagues now, Atwood and Johnston and would play in Coventry but I’m not going to sit out a year to play there. I think the fields kind of suck but you guys definitely have a lot of great players that I play with in my other leagues. You guys will love Utrip, definitely a much better style of play. Welcome to 2008.
John, thanks for the e-mail. Thanks for the compliment I really appreciate it. I find it absolutely amazing to me that people find me even the slightest bit funny, THE WIFE doesn’t think I’m funny at all and she makes it a point to tell me on a daily basis. “You’re not funny, you’re an asshole.” Thanks so much for putting even more pressure on me to be funny. I’ll be honest each time I write a “Planet Mertog”I sit there and giggle to myself, and I run it by “THE WIFE” who sits there with this blank stare on her face. Then I find myself trying to explain the humor behind the joke. She’ll stop me and say “I get the joke douche-bag….it’s just not funny. “ I guess you could say I just write what I think is funny to me and hope others will giggle like a little school girl like I do when they read it.
The next letter comes from thegreathumungus
Mert, great stuff keep it comin! Hey, did you ever think of becoming a professional writer?
Excellent question! The question has been asked of me several times, “Why didn’t you ever pursue a career in writing?” I suppose my feelings on writing as a legitimate means of support can be summed up by the late great Hunter S. Thompson when he wrote: “I’ve always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it’s a bit like fucking, which it’s only fun for amateurs. Old whores don’t do much giggling.” That and the fact I’m not really much good at it.
I have always found that the minute you turn a hobby into a job, the activity itself loses its appeal. Once you get paid for something it becomes a job and thus it becomes work and as we all know….work sucks. You can actually find some sort of strange joy and solace in a hobby, but how many people take joy in their work? I think it would just absolutely kill all the fun of it if for some reason if I had to do it for a living. That and as I said before, I’m not really any good at it. I think I would be one broke sorry son of a bitch if I had to write to feed the family. No fun involved in starving either.
Thanks for the E-mail
The next E-mail comes from a guy who isn’t in the league right now but reads our website and e-mails me often with some great stuff.
Good to see USSSA get passed for the league and better umpiring alone will make it worth the decision.
The people involved with running the league seem to want to do what ever it takes to making improvements which is why that league is having continuous success with growing.......And dont worry, Artie will not let none of u go without hearing how it was all his doing.lol
I dont think it will be too much longer for that league to be able to have 3 divisions of 10-12 teams each like Warwick has with the rate it has been going. Then you could possibly have the divisions separate for Upper level skilled teams that are more competitive, a middle division and a lower division for the teams that are less competitive like Warwick does with their Sunday league. Or if the parity between teams is that close, just have separate divisions in the same league.
What ever way things go, there's no doubt with the change to USSSA the league will be better off for the quality of softball playing as compared to how it was in the past for Coventry.
Sorry to learn about the division of your own team,but I think you will somehow be better off.
Having to go thru that kind of aggrevation with that many players is not called for. not surprising that its the younger players that are the root problems. And your certainly right about the team chemistry being the most important goal for the team to be successful, like we had talked a little about before.
Dont understand why some of the few guys like yourself who "get it" have such a hard time having consistant loyalty from players.
If you have a spot for an exempt player , let me know. I would play for u without hesitation. Probably one of the very few that I could play for with the kind of team you want to field. I think I missed one of your posts about the stages of players, so that point went over my head. So I cant gauge on that.
ps. Loved the ted nugent clip. such common sense is always the most extreme looked upon by our powers that be.
Excellent E-mail once again my friend. The people running the league are doing a fantastic job making this league more and more competitive each and every year. The simple fact is that people who don’t even play in the league are reading the website to see what is going on here in Coventry, and that is a testament to all the hard work that they are doing is paying off. The Baxter’s, Ian Smith, Rob Raymond and of course Artie have done a great job bringing the league up to speed so to speak.
I will definitely keep you posted as to whether I have an exemption spot available, If I do I would love to have you on the squad.
The reference to the stages of players was from one of the previous Planet Mertog’s that is posted on the website. It talks about the stages of life of a softball player, if you get a minute or two check it out under Planet Mertog, scroll down and you will see what we were talking about. It’s kind of a running gag with some of the guys now.
Ted is the man for sure, he just tells it like it is.
Once again thanks for your e-mail.
The next e-mail is once again my favorite since it comes from my new best friend, The RealDezeel!
Hey fuckface you wanna meet me I’ll wrap a bat around your fucking head kid you gay mother fucker I’ll break your fucking head..
Whoops, apparently I pissed someone off! Well Mr. Dezeel you have committed yourself to performing some sort of miracle since it is impossible to wrap a bat around someone’s head when said bat is deeply entrenched in your anal cavity. This in turn presents me with an equally difficult challenge since it would be nearly impossible to fit a bat in that area since it is presently occupied by your head.
I noticed in your letter that you are from West Warwick, which explains your writing. I find it extremely ironic that West Warwick has chosen a wizard for their mascot, since I have yet to actually meet a Wizard that came from West Warwick. Case in point, you would need a tutor to manage the difficult passages on the label of a Budweiser bottle.
As for your generous offer to meet you I feel that I must decline since I abhor violence. Nah, I’m just kidding I actually love it but I simply refuse to fight with a psychological chew toy over an internet blog. Surely even a Neanderthal such as yourself can see the stupidity in that. However I think what you really need is just a great big man hug, so if you are interested…come here ya big fucking psycho you!
Well that about it for this week folks, and as always…
See you out there.
Mertog out!
February 24, 2008
Mert’s Mailbag
Well since I posted my e-mail address, I’ve gotten over 60 new e-mails and while it would be impossible to post them all, I have taken the highlights from a few just to give you an idea of what people are saying about the Coventry Men’s League. I just wanted everyone to realize that many of these come from people outside the league, which in itself is a huge testament to the hard work and dedication of our beloved Ian Smith, who’s hard work and dedication to the website and to the league overall is the reason we are gaining such notoriety. It was Ian and Bob Botelho's idea to create and maintain the website and in my opinion is a major reason why so many people are so interested in playing in Coventry, so once again excellent job Ian, great idea Bob.
I know Smitty, I’m at it again.
So let’s dig down deep in the mailbag and see what we’ve got! I suppose the best e-mail I got came from Ken, who wrote about a lot of the things that are going on here in Coventry and he had some great ideas. Here is some of what Ken wrote:
that's some interesting and fun reading.
I like to poke in the coventry league website at times to catch your commentaries and to see how things are going with the league as I know and have played with and against a lot of players from that league.
It's great to see how it has been growing and the enthusiasm of some of the guys involved and to see a lot of younger and newer faces getting involved around the state competing. Coventry has some good talent and getting better.
Lastly, I think USSSA is a great thing for that league and if it goes that way, I don't think anyone will regret it overall. ASA is a dyeing sanction for the mens competitive side. It will quickly be realized once you start playing it, even if there are still some ASA by-laws still used to satisfy everyone.
Well Ken, yours was definitely the best letter I have received and I just wanted to say thanks for the kind and insightful comments, please keep it coming! Ken told me that he has thought of playing in Coventry but didn’t feel like sitting out an entire season due to the exemption rule, so if anyone has an exempt spot open on your roster Ken would be a great addition to the league.
The next e-mail comes from a person whom I’m assuming wishes to be anonymous due to his comments, but it was signed as the real dezeel.
hey bigmouth who died and made you the suprmeme knowitall in coventy did you evr play in a real league cause until you play at atwood and play in a mans league you shouldjust shut the fuck
up. i laugh at you and all of you coventry wannabe heroes who actually post stats on the website and talk about softball like you guys are puttin in work...you and your league are a fuckin joke. get a life
the real dezeel
Dear Random Fuck, Thanks so much for your diatribe and pernicious drivel. It does take a real man to play in a real league, and it takes a real man to say what is truly on his mind and on this much I think we both can agree. Where we part company is where you simply fire off that cum-catcher located directly below your nose and then suddenly lose the testicular fortitude to tell us who you are. I think you may be the first male I have ever met who suffers from pseudo-sexual penis envy. It is very safe position to make the standard tough guy, gangsta-wanna-be act plausible when your anonymous wouldn’t you agree.
However, I do thank you for your e-mail it provided me with entertainment for the entire day. When I first looked at it my original thought was: “Oh how cute, it’s trying to think and communicate.” Unfortunately to type out a good e-mail, or at least a legible one, requires certain physical attributes in addition to the mental ones. For instance it entails one first be born with opposable thumbs rather than the cloven hooves that you are obviously stammering around your keyboard with. Secondly, it requires that one not be to susceptible to violent drool attacks which can short out your keyboard, so how’s that going for you?
You also might want to think about picking up this little product, it may help you in the future.
So in closing I leave you with this:
Oh, and if you ever feel the need to discuss this face to face….I’ll be just outside washing my car…come get you some! What? What are you looking at?
The next letter comes from a guy named Dynamix:
Mertdog,
Love your stuff man, especially how you go off on the WIFE. I have to say my favorite one so far has been the one about the stages of the softball player, you should do more stuff like that. I don't play in your league but I even like reading your weekly picks, I'm hoping to play in Coventry in the next few years got any spots open for me? I'm in stage 5 so ya know!
Peace!
Stage 5…well I guess everyone in our society is a recovering something my friend. Some are recovering alcoholics, some are recovering addicts, some (such as myself) are recovering Republicans (going on 6 years now) and some are recovering from marriage. We’re all here for you man. I can’t really take full credit for the stages of a softball player; it was again the brainchild of my good friend and softball god Ian Smith. Ian comes up with all the ideas and I just write my little twist on things. Thanks for the E-mail! This is for you my friend; remember the sneak attack is almost as effective as the Falcon Punch.
Take that you nasty softball hating hag from hell!
Mark, I love playing here in Coventry and the website was the reason I left my other league. It's just nice to see people who care and put the time into the league like you guys do. I liked the league just the way it was and I hope the move to USSSA makes it even better. Can't wait for the season to get here, been watching the ticker count down the days.
This is a sentiment that I have heard from several guys on my team who actually left the Burriville league to come play here in Coventry. The website was responsible for me picking up at least 8 guys in the last two or three years, probably more. Once again Ian Smith is the fucking man!
Or should I say a PRINCE amongst men!
Unclemertog for President! Keep em comin mert!
Uncle Mertog for president eh? President Mertog….I must admit you have appealed to my gigantic whore of an ego. I guess I can’t do any worse than Bush! I will definitely keep it coming so long as you guys keep the e-mails flowing.
just to chuck in my two cents for what it's worth, go usssa all the way, better bats, unps, quality of play and asa is definately a dying thing.
Looks like we may be going USSSA, seems like the majority of managers felt that they were sick of being fleeced by the umps. It will be interesting to see deep everyone jumps in right away, still quite a few skeptics…which are understandable, but in my opinion there is nothing to fear whatsoever. Play it, see how it goes and tweak things out as they pop up.
ASA RIP! The switch to USSSA is the best thing that could have happened to Coventry in my opinion. ASA umps and the commission itself have never come to address our concerns at a meeting despite several attempts to get them to answer for themselves. I personally have called to complain about the umpiring and never so much as got a response from Beverly, they’ve done this to themselves. Why would we continue to support such an unresponsive group of slags? Apparently they thought very little of us and probably believed that we would never have the balls to change. Jokes on them.
Mert I agree with everything you said about the by-laws needing to be updated. A team should have the same protection that a sponsor has if not more. Players make the league run and not the sponsors and they pay the majority of income that comes into the league. No question that is a top priority.
Well that is not up to me, I will definitely reflect your opinion at the meetings but it will take everyone to realize that to make it happen. I know there is a mixed sentiment about this since it was the way things have been done in the past. Doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just makes it the way it was. A couple of instances I can think of are with Bothello’s. Ian and his guys could have wound up with no team and out of the league. Ironically enough that team went on to win the championship this year. Imagine that, a team that won the championship might not have even gotten the chance to play last year. Now that would have been a tragedy.
Another case in point, what if Young guns, Unifirst, Rosies, Sunset and now Shamrock had one of those sponsors who simply said, I want to fill my roster with bar patrons who spend their money here and took the team away from Justin Dugas who has been hustling his ass off to run the team for all these years? He’s out and the sponsor is in…incredulous.
Or let’s say for some reason Botelho decided he wanted to dump the guys and put in another team in their place, would that be fair to Smitty and all those guys? Kiss the website and all the hard work goodbye?
It can happen to anyone at anytime and that is what is scary about the whole prospect of that antiquated rule. It needs to go. The spot should be dedicated to the majority of players and force managers and sponsors to coexist. What is best for the league is what should be the main priority.
Now the argument has been presented to me that if a sponsor has been around for many years and has paid his league fee he shouldn’t have his team taken away from him. I agree! However, in theory the sponsor puts the money forward to bring business to his establishment, whether it be a bar, a construction company an insurance company whatever the case may be and in theory he/she only sponsors to make money for their business which in no shape or way do I have a problem with. It also stands to reason that said sponsor has made his or her money back by bringing in business over the years and that does not exclusively give them the right to dump a team simply because they feel it gives them the opportunity to make more money. That is a personal decision for them to make. Does the money they put into the league equate to a sound investment for their business or not. I personally don’t think that the sponsors in today’s day and age make shit from their investments anymore. Times have changed.
As Rob Raymond said, his wife didn’t write one single piece of business from the investment. People have got to face the reality; it isn’t like it used to be when the rule was written. Few of us can hang around after the games on Sunday or even have the extra money to spend in a bar afterwards. My team certainly tried to but it isn’t like it used to be where it was an event. Those days are gone.
In addition, we are not the chamber of commerce and it is not our place to spark business outside of the league, it is our job to run a softball league, and the two are completely separate from one another. It is a manager’s job to seek sponsorship and promote business for his/her team, not the leagues. The rule needs to protect the players who in turn will always find sponsorship to help out with the payment of the fees. Just look at the teams who want in this league, we have 16 and possibly 18 this year. We can’t fit anymore teams in…the league is doing great with several teams who have taken care of their own affairs for years now…Stallions, Young Guns, etc. This trend will only continue.
Baxter, Moulton, DelPadre are all sponsors but more importantly they are managers as well. They are actively involved in all aspects of the league, the meetings, the player recruitment, fees, and so on. They are not in it for any other reason other than they want to play and love the game. This is a non-issue to them because they control their teams. It’s situations that arose last year where a non-managing sponsor saw fit to fuck over a group of players; this is the problem in a nutshell. This is what needs to be fixed by amending the by-laws for player protection.
I view it as my responsibility to do whatever I can for my sponsor, who is of course as you know, is…The Pub. I recruit the players, I make the rosters, I make the phones calls, I get the money from the players, I attend the meetings, and I run the website for free on my own time as an added bonus for him. I paid for half the uniforms last year because not many guys were showing up to the pub and spending money and I felt it wasn’t fair to ask more money from him. I paid for fall ball out of my pocket and I paid for the turkey trot out of my pocket last year. I pay for the water that we bring to games on Sunday for the whole team; I throw team parties and cookouts and schedule all fundraisers. I buy the lime and line the fields every Sunday morning and I buy all the teams equipment each year including bats. This is what I do for my sponsor. I keep the books and send in the stats each week. And he gets all this for 350.00 entrance fee.
Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not complaining I simply state for the record that I do this as a labor of love so to speak. I enjoy doing it, I’m glad to do it. Howie and Derek are my friends and for friends I’ll do just about anything. But it’s not just about them, I do it for all the guys on my team so they have a place to play and be competitive. I was part of the fiasco the first year the PUB put together a team when Moulton started his own team. 0-30 and truly we were not the least bit competitive. It was bad for the Pub and it was bad for the league. So I went to work and built up this team. Now just for the sake of argument let’s say I was kicked to the curb….would that be fair to me and the guys whom have played for this league over the last 4 years? You don’t have to answer we already know the answer to that. I’m not worried about this really I have a pretty good relationship with my sponsor but the possibility always exists.
Anyway, there were a lot more e-mails….I hope to get into some of them another time, but for now suffice it to say that this is a huge indicator as to how far this league has come due to the hard work and dedication of a few people. Once again my hat is off to the Baxters for running this league, and though sometimes their decisions aren’t always popular they are for the most part fair and equitable to everyone.
To Rob Raymond who has done a great job as VP over the years and runs fall ball for us. Rob is still getting it done on the field too at the tender age of Moses!
Rob there is a spot on the Pub for you!
Of course I have to give props to Ian Smith for all his hard work and dedication to the website and his vision of making this league into something better for all of us. I speak with Ian on a regular basis and he always has the best interests of every team on his mind.
I have to give a quick shout out to my boy Artie, who has taken the time and put the effort in to researching the ASA vs. USSSA issue and will be bringing USSSA representation to the meeting Monday night. Artie never gets any credit and people always have some sort of comment in regards to why he is doing what he is doing. I believe Artie simply wants the best quality of play here in Coventry. I was one of the biggest skeptics at first, but now I’m sold. Artie invited me several times to many USSSA games this year and I went to a few, including playing in his tournament. I have to say I was thoroughly convinced that this is the right choice. I’m not trying to sell anyone a big bag of bullshit here, I honestly believe it to be true…we are making the right choices.
I also want to thank my fellow managers for all their hard work and dedication, the hardest job in this league is that of a manager…we all know that and we all know that it is the managers and the players who make this league run…nobody else. Keep up the good work and keep this league strong for all of us.
Finally, to my boys Ernie, Mac, Smitty…Mocha Caps Bitches!
Hodde, I know you mentioned at the last meeting you wanted to check out your picture again….here it is.
Still won’t divulge the exact contents of that coffee mug.
Please keep you e-mails and comments coming…Unclemertog20@yahoo.com
See you out there!
Well since I posted my e-mail address, I’ve gotten over 60 new e-mails and while it would be impossible to post them all, I have taken the highlights from a few just to give you an idea of what people are saying about the Coventry Men’s League. I just wanted everyone to realize that many of these come from people outside the league, which in itself is a huge testament to the hard work and dedication of our beloved Ian Smith, who’s hard work and dedication to the website and to the league overall is the reason we are gaining such notoriety. It was Ian and Bob Botelho's idea to create and maintain the website and in my opinion is a major reason why so many people are so interested in playing in Coventry, so once again excellent job Ian, great idea Bob.
I know Smitty, I’m at it again.
So let’s dig down deep in the mailbag and see what we’ve got! I suppose the best e-mail I got came from Ken, who wrote about a lot of the things that are going on here in Coventry and he had some great ideas. Here is some of what Ken wrote:
that's some interesting and fun reading.
I like to poke in the coventry league website at times to catch your commentaries and to see how things are going with the league as I know and have played with and against a lot of players from that league.
It's great to see how it has been growing and the enthusiasm of some of the guys involved and to see a lot of younger and newer faces getting involved around the state competing. Coventry has some good talent and getting better.
Lastly, I think USSSA is a great thing for that league and if it goes that way, I don't think anyone will regret it overall. ASA is a dyeing sanction for the mens competitive side. It will quickly be realized once you start playing it, even if there are still some ASA by-laws still used to satisfy everyone.
Well Ken, yours was definitely the best letter I have received and I just wanted to say thanks for the kind and insightful comments, please keep it coming! Ken told me that he has thought of playing in Coventry but didn’t feel like sitting out an entire season due to the exemption rule, so if anyone has an exempt spot open on your roster Ken would be a great addition to the league.
The next e-mail comes from a person whom I’m assuming wishes to be anonymous due to his comments, but it was signed as the real dezeel.
hey bigmouth who died and made you the suprmeme knowitall in coventy did you evr play in a real league cause until you play at atwood and play in a mans league you shouldjust shut the fuck
up. i laugh at you and all of you coventry wannabe heroes who actually post stats on the website and talk about softball like you guys are puttin in work...you and your league are a fuckin joke. get a life
the real dezeel
Dear Random Fuck, Thanks so much for your diatribe and pernicious drivel. It does take a real man to play in a real league, and it takes a real man to say what is truly on his mind and on this much I think we both can agree. Where we part company is where you simply fire off that cum-catcher located directly below your nose and then suddenly lose the testicular fortitude to tell us who you are. I think you may be the first male I have ever met who suffers from pseudo-sexual penis envy. It is very safe position to make the standard tough guy, gangsta-wanna-be act plausible when your anonymous wouldn’t you agree.
However, I do thank you for your e-mail it provided me with entertainment for the entire day. When I first looked at it my original thought was: “Oh how cute, it’s trying to think and communicate.” Unfortunately to type out a good e-mail, or at least a legible one, requires certain physical attributes in addition to the mental ones. For instance it entails one first be born with opposable thumbs rather than the cloven hooves that you are obviously stammering around your keyboard with. Secondly, it requires that one not be to susceptible to violent drool attacks which can short out your keyboard, so how’s that going for you?
You also might want to think about picking up this little product, it may help you in the future.
So in closing I leave you with this:
Oh, and if you ever feel the need to discuss this face to face….I’ll be just outside washing my car…come get you some! What? What are you looking at?
The next letter comes from a guy named Dynamix:
Mertdog,
Love your stuff man, especially how you go off on the WIFE. I have to say my favorite one so far has been the one about the stages of the softball player, you should do more stuff like that. I don't play in your league but I even like reading your weekly picks, I'm hoping to play in Coventry in the next few years got any spots open for me? I'm in stage 5 so ya know!
Peace!
Stage 5…well I guess everyone in our society is a recovering something my friend. Some are recovering alcoholics, some are recovering addicts, some (such as myself) are recovering Republicans (going on 6 years now) and some are recovering from marriage. We’re all here for you man. I can’t really take full credit for the stages of a softball player; it was again the brainchild of my good friend and softball god Ian Smith. Ian comes up with all the ideas and I just write my little twist on things. Thanks for the E-mail! This is for you my friend; remember the sneak attack is almost as effective as the Falcon Punch.
Take that you nasty softball hating hag from hell!
Mark, I love playing here in Coventry and the website was the reason I left my other league. It's just nice to see people who care and put the time into the league like you guys do. I liked the league just the way it was and I hope the move to USSSA makes it even better. Can't wait for the season to get here, been watching the ticker count down the days.
This is a sentiment that I have heard from several guys on my team who actually left the Burriville league to come play here in Coventry. The website was responsible for me picking up at least 8 guys in the last two or three years, probably more. Once again Ian Smith is the fucking man!
Or should I say a PRINCE amongst men!
Unclemertog for President! Keep em comin mert!
Uncle Mertog for president eh? President Mertog….I must admit you have appealed to my gigantic whore of an ego. I guess I can’t do any worse than Bush! I will definitely keep it coming so long as you guys keep the e-mails flowing.
just to chuck in my two cents for what it's worth, go usssa all the way, better bats, unps, quality of play and asa is definately a dying thing.
Looks like we may be going USSSA, seems like the majority of managers felt that they were sick of being fleeced by the umps. It will be interesting to see deep everyone jumps in right away, still quite a few skeptics…which are understandable, but in my opinion there is nothing to fear whatsoever. Play it, see how it goes and tweak things out as they pop up.
ASA RIP! The switch to USSSA is the best thing that could have happened to Coventry in my opinion. ASA umps and the commission itself have never come to address our concerns at a meeting despite several attempts to get them to answer for themselves. I personally have called to complain about the umpiring and never so much as got a response from Beverly, they’ve done this to themselves. Why would we continue to support such an unresponsive group of slags? Apparently they thought very little of us and probably believed that we would never have the balls to change. Jokes on them.
Mert I agree with everything you said about the by-laws needing to be updated. A team should have the same protection that a sponsor has if not more. Players make the league run and not the sponsors and they pay the majority of income that comes into the league. No question that is a top priority.
Well that is not up to me, I will definitely reflect your opinion at the meetings but it will take everyone to realize that to make it happen. I know there is a mixed sentiment about this since it was the way things have been done in the past. Doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just makes it the way it was. A couple of instances I can think of are with Bothello’s. Ian and his guys could have wound up with no team and out of the league. Ironically enough that team went on to win the championship this year. Imagine that, a team that won the championship might not have even gotten the chance to play last year. Now that would have been a tragedy.
Another case in point, what if Young guns, Unifirst, Rosies, Sunset and now Shamrock had one of those sponsors who simply said, I want to fill my roster with bar patrons who spend their money here and took the team away from Justin Dugas who has been hustling his ass off to run the team for all these years? He’s out and the sponsor is in…incredulous.
Or let’s say for some reason Botelho decided he wanted to dump the guys and put in another team in their place, would that be fair to Smitty and all those guys? Kiss the website and all the hard work goodbye?
It can happen to anyone at anytime and that is what is scary about the whole prospect of that antiquated rule. It needs to go. The spot should be dedicated to the majority of players and force managers and sponsors to coexist. What is best for the league is what should be the main priority.
Now the argument has been presented to me that if a sponsor has been around for many years and has paid his league fee he shouldn’t have his team taken away from him. I agree! However, in theory the sponsor puts the money forward to bring business to his establishment, whether it be a bar, a construction company an insurance company whatever the case may be and in theory he/she only sponsors to make money for their business which in no shape or way do I have a problem with. It also stands to reason that said sponsor has made his or her money back by bringing in business over the years and that does not exclusively give them the right to dump a team simply because they feel it gives them the opportunity to make more money. That is a personal decision for them to make. Does the money they put into the league equate to a sound investment for their business or not. I personally don’t think that the sponsors in today’s day and age make shit from their investments anymore. Times have changed.
As Rob Raymond said, his wife didn’t write one single piece of business from the investment. People have got to face the reality; it isn’t like it used to be when the rule was written. Few of us can hang around after the games on Sunday or even have the extra money to spend in a bar afterwards. My team certainly tried to but it isn’t like it used to be where it was an event. Those days are gone.
In addition, we are not the chamber of commerce and it is not our place to spark business outside of the league, it is our job to run a softball league, and the two are completely separate from one another. It is a manager’s job to seek sponsorship and promote business for his/her team, not the leagues. The rule needs to protect the players who in turn will always find sponsorship to help out with the payment of the fees. Just look at the teams who want in this league, we have 16 and possibly 18 this year. We can’t fit anymore teams in…the league is doing great with several teams who have taken care of their own affairs for years now…Stallions, Young Guns, etc. This trend will only continue.
Baxter, Moulton, DelPadre are all sponsors but more importantly they are managers as well. They are actively involved in all aspects of the league, the meetings, the player recruitment, fees, and so on. They are not in it for any other reason other than they want to play and love the game. This is a non-issue to them because they control their teams. It’s situations that arose last year where a non-managing sponsor saw fit to fuck over a group of players; this is the problem in a nutshell. This is what needs to be fixed by amending the by-laws for player protection.
I view it as my responsibility to do whatever I can for my sponsor, who is of course as you know, is…The Pub. I recruit the players, I make the rosters, I make the phones calls, I get the money from the players, I attend the meetings, and I run the website for free on my own time as an added bonus for him. I paid for half the uniforms last year because not many guys were showing up to the pub and spending money and I felt it wasn’t fair to ask more money from him. I paid for fall ball out of my pocket and I paid for the turkey trot out of my pocket last year. I pay for the water that we bring to games on Sunday for the whole team; I throw team parties and cookouts and schedule all fundraisers. I buy the lime and line the fields every Sunday morning and I buy all the teams equipment each year including bats. This is what I do for my sponsor. I keep the books and send in the stats each week. And he gets all this for 350.00 entrance fee.
Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not complaining I simply state for the record that I do this as a labor of love so to speak. I enjoy doing it, I’m glad to do it. Howie and Derek are my friends and for friends I’ll do just about anything. But it’s not just about them, I do it for all the guys on my team so they have a place to play and be competitive. I was part of the fiasco the first year the PUB put together a team when Moulton started his own team. 0-30 and truly we were not the least bit competitive. It was bad for the Pub and it was bad for the league. So I went to work and built up this team. Now just for the sake of argument let’s say I was kicked to the curb….would that be fair to me and the guys whom have played for this league over the last 4 years? You don’t have to answer we already know the answer to that. I’m not worried about this really I have a pretty good relationship with my sponsor but the possibility always exists.
Anyway, there were a lot more e-mails….I hope to get into some of them another time, but for now suffice it to say that this is a huge indicator as to how far this league has come due to the hard work and dedication of a few people. Once again my hat is off to the Baxters for running this league, and though sometimes their decisions aren’t always popular they are for the most part fair and equitable to everyone.
To Rob Raymond who has done a great job as VP over the years and runs fall ball for us. Rob is still getting it done on the field too at the tender age of Moses!
Rob there is a spot on the Pub for you!
Of course I have to give props to Ian Smith for all his hard work and dedication to the website and his vision of making this league into something better for all of us. I speak with Ian on a regular basis and he always has the best interests of every team on his mind.
I have to give a quick shout out to my boy Artie, who has taken the time and put the effort in to researching the ASA vs. USSSA issue and will be bringing USSSA representation to the meeting Monday night. Artie never gets any credit and people always have some sort of comment in regards to why he is doing what he is doing. I believe Artie simply wants the best quality of play here in Coventry. I was one of the biggest skeptics at first, but now I’m sold. Artie invited me several times to many USSSA games this year and I went to a few, including playing in his tournament. I have to say I was thoroughly convinced that this is the right choice. I’m not trying to sell anyone a big bag of bullshit here, I honestly believe it to be true…we are making the right choices.
I also want to thank my fellow managers for all their hard work and dedication, the hardest job in this league is that of a manager…we all know that and we all know that it is the managers and the players who make this league run…nobody else. Keep up the good work and keep this league strong for all of us.
Finally, to my boys Ernie, Mac, Smitty…Mocha Caps Bitches!
Hodde, I know you mentioned at the last meeting you wanted to check out your picture again….here it is.
Still won’t divulge the exact contents of that coffee mug.
Please keep you e-mails and comments coming…Unclemertog20@yahoo.com
See you out there!
February 11, 2008
Planet Mertog 2008
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold…Hunter S. Thompson
I’m Baaack! Well the 2008 season is drawing closer and you all know what that means, Uncle Mertog gets to shoot his mouth off again behind the safe and well insulated barrier of cyberspace. The Coventry Men’s League resident "Keyboard Warrior” is at it again and I’m looking for another victim to bestow my undying adulation upon. Who will it be this year? The PNA? Smitty? Chris Knight? Lemdawg? Ernie? Mac? Who wants to be the beneficiary of the prestigious Mertog treatment?
Did you really think that I would miss an opportunity to sneak in the gratuitous simulated fellatio shot? That would be the equivalent of a Michael Moore movie not being laden with anti-government sentiments, or a Kevin Smith movie sans Jay and Silent Bob.
So what has Mertog been up to you ask? Well, to begin with I have been busy developing a new line of clothes for you guys who plan on bringing the proverbial eye-candy to the games this year. Now if any of you have trophy-wives or girlfriends who can make these clothes look this good, then forget anything else that I have to say about the ladies in my following rants.
Let’s take a look at that again in slow motion so you can get a better look.
I’ve also been working on some very nice tops as well…take a gander at these.
And once again in slow motion, just in case you see one that you might like to purchase for your significant other.
Now you can tell your wives that you were just looking at these pictures to pick something out for her. By the way you can purchase any of the following items online at Dirtyoldman.com
So what can you expect this year from Planet Mertog you might ask? Well, I suppose more of the same sardonic wit and satirical wordplay that you can only find hidden deep within the pages of an Oscar Wilde novel or here within the Planet. One thing that will definitely remain unchanged is my stalwart dedication to the mission of saving as many young men from the conventional trappings of marriage, It is my crusade, my raison d’être so to speak. My new mantra is “Uncle Mertog…saving the world….one bachelor at a time”!
So this year will be no different than the previous years in as much as I promise to continue to wage my war against our evil oppressors…namely “THE WIVES”. Guy’s there is no such thing as a Stepford Wife! Guys like Ryno may believe this fairytale myth of the perfect wife who will let you play softball and with a huge toothy grin, smile and say: “Have a great game today Honey”, as you walk out the door with your bat bag and cleats in hand. Trust me when I tell you that once your back is turned, if you had been blessed with eyes in the back of your head (or cursed to walk this earth as some sort of hideous mutant depending on your take on things) this is what you would see.
So we now find ourselves faced with the following question… “What do you give a woman who is both domineering and controlling? Answer: A Falcon punch!
That’s right my friends, it is the great equalizer in the struggle for supremacy between a man and a woman about whether or not softball is on the agenda for Sunday morning. And softball is definitely in if she knows what’s good for her.
For those of you who are faint of heart just ask yourself a simple question: “What would the manliest of men do in this situation, better yet what would Chuck Norris do if his significant other was sounding off in his ear like a stuck caulking gun? Well here is what Chuck would do, and if it is good enough for a bad ass like Chuck then it is good enough for you too!
Get you some respect boy!
If you only retain one thing from anything I say today let it be this: “You are only pronounced anything twice in your life span…man and wife and dead on arrival”. Drink that in boys, drink that in!
Devil Ether, it makes you behave like the “Village Drunkard” in some early Irish novel. Total loss of all basic motor-skills; blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue, the mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column…which is interesting because you can actually see yourself behaving in the terrible way…but you can’t control it. Hunter S. Thompson
So let us get down to the ugly little business at hand shall we. It seems preordained that this conversation would come up again this year, that being USSSA vs. ASA.
Okay, now normally I wouldn’t go head first into supporting anything my boy Artie has to say , I mean we all know he is about as stable as Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube…but this time he also happens to be making a legitimate point.
USSSA seems to be the way of the future and ASA has outlived its usefulness. It is as old and antiquated as a Vaudevillian rip off of comeddia dell’ arte and is deader than disco. Let’s face it Vanilla Ice has more life left in his career than ASA has in the softball world. I’m just waiting for Marg Helgenberger to walk in with her CSI boys and draw a chalk outline around the corpse!
Mind you I’m not subscribing to “Conspiracy Theorist’s Weekly” and I don’t have Mulder and Scully on speed dial…ready to call them in to investigate the relationship that exists between all the major bat companies and the A.S.A. But when the A.S.A continues to change their legal bat list more frequently than some of us change our underwear…well, the hieroglyphics are on the cave wall my friends. Tell me why a bat which was legal last year is no longer acceptable this year? Could it be to sell more bats? DUH! I wouldn’t have such a problem with it if they simply said that the bats that were legal in ASA are still legal and continued to boycott the new 120 bats, but to outlaw bats that many of us shelled out big money for last year is simply ludicrous.
True, we could still go with ASA and create our own bat list, if that were in fact the only problem that existed with ASA, but it isn’t…there is so many things wrong with ASA and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Let’s talk about the umpires for a second here. ASA umps have done to softball what the douche-bag has done to the guitar…that being, murdered it slowly. No one has made playing the acoustic guitar as fucking pathetic and as painful to listen to as douche-bags like John Mayer, turning a perfectly fine instrument into a vehicle for delivering whiney-assed ballads that instantly shrink a man’s balls as well as destroying any bit of testosterone left in his body. So too has the ASA ump destroyed softball here in Coventry. How long will the league allow us to be fleeced by this half-assed, unprofessional bunch of hacks? My biggest argument is that they are always in a hurry to be anywhere other than where they happen to be. I wish I had a dime for every time I have heard one of these half-wits tell me that they have to be out of there as soon as possible so they can get to their next game. Not something you want to tell the guy who has to dole out the cash to pay your sorry ass. In addition, try voicing an opinion to one of these egomaniacs and they go off like Britney Spears on a Crystal-Meth binge.
I say it is time to kick these guys into the pit of death.
And speaking of Darling Britney, remember it wasn’t too long ago where everyone thought that she was the more wholesome and talented in the battle between her and Christina. Talk about flipping the script!
It is obvious to anyone who isn’t a complete “window-licker” that USSA umps are far superior in their training and careful consideration of the game when juxtaposed against their counterparts over at the ASA. From what I’ve seen of USSSA umps is that they actually hustle to get themselves in a position to make the right call. It may not always be the right call but at least they actually give it their best shot to get it right. In comparison, I’ve actually had to go over to one particular ASA ump and put a mirror under his nose to see if he was still breathing. Ultimately isn’t that what really counts? The effort to do your best to provide a service to the league that was paid for by the players? We pay these guys to do a job and if they don’t want to do it then why do we keep inviting them back?
I also admired the fact that the USSSA umpiring crews actually stayed the entire game and didn’t expect to get paid until the game was over, which is by far a huge advantage over the Claude Raines act made popular by the incredible vanishing umpires of the ASA. I would actually be more impressed with ASA umpires if they made life size cardboard cutouts of themselves and stood them up behind the plate, which would be far less shameful than brazen act of leaving and not even trying to disguise their utter lack of regard for us players! In fact the cardboard cutouts would probably get more calls right, and at the very least would be there until the game was finished.
Another thing to consider is that there are fewer and fewer ASA leagues around now and more and more USSSA leagues popping up. This should be an indicator. In addition to better umpires, who have a much more stringent and rigorous qualification process for being given their sanctioning by the league, USSSA has a much more extensive bat list which doesn’t ban a bat you’ve been using for years. Beyond that, USSSA is much cheaper than ASA and provides better service for the money. It doesn’t require that one be a Vulcan to see logic in the argument for USSSA.
Admittedly, in the past I was a staunch supporter of ASA and I’ll admit it was because I really didn’t want to see any change in the Coventry Men’s League. I love this league just the way it was…but I have gotten a sour taste in my mouth the last few years with ASA. After taking Artie’s advice and going to a few USSSA games last year, I saw a huge difference in the way the games were run. The umps didn’t try to rush you along or get you on the field earlier so they could go and umpire some girl’s softball game in another town. Essentially what I’m saying is that their failure to plan out their schedule is NOT OUR EMERGENCY. Here’s to you ASA umps.
The only argument against USSSA seems to be the concern for the safety of the pitcher if the bat list is changed to allow 120 bats. I’m split on this issue. On the one hand, I see no need to allow bats that give an extra 15 to 20 feet in distance here in Coventry. If you want to be a homerun hitter than hit the gym bitch.
I’ve always been of the opinion that a true homerun hitter will hit homers with an old branch that fell off a tree in their back yard, the rest of us mere mortals simply need to know our role and hit the base hits and let the Knights of this world drive us in. Considering you only get 5 dingers per game it seems absolutely senseless that we need hotter bats to generate homers in a 280 foot field. In addition tacking on extra footage by using hotter bats only allows guys who like me have no business whatsoever hitting homers to take one out at will. It takes something away from the game and destroys the art of hitting for bases which is just as important as hitting the tater. It also turns the art of homerun hitting into a complete joke when anyone can do it. I say keep the old bat list that we had in place which in turn separates the boys from the men.
I guess the only feasible argument I can muster for the allowance of 120 bats would be that the guys who have played in USSSA for years would be able to use the bats in their bag for all their leagues. Though I can’t imagine why anyone would need to use USSSA bats in Coventry I can however recognize that it would certainly be a huge benefit not to have to buy new bats to play in this league. That’s something that would have to be discussed at a meeting in more detail.
The one remaining argument that was brought forth was that the pitchers would be defenseless out there if we upgraded to the USSSA bats. To this I can only say that there are certain hitters out there who if they wanted to shoot the middle on you, they are going to get you. With guys like Knight or Timmy Cress who can just about hit the ball where they want and take you out at anytime, it doesn’t matter what bat they are holding. The advantage of USSSA is that you can stand back further from behind the mound to pitch, thus giving you extra time to take cover. My simple motto is that it only hurts if you’re scared. Besides if you take one in the face, this could be a nice look for you. It’s kind of a rugged look!
Let’s not forget you still have an over the middle guy to protect the pitcher in addition to the added footage from behind the mound. Shin pads and cups are also available at Dicks if one feels the need for them. Besides, I have only seen guys shoot the middle on pitchers for two reasons: 1) They are not experienced hitters and have no idea where the ball is going when it leaves their bat…in other words it was purely an accident. 2) The pitcher is a douche-bag and the kitchen was declared open. Remember pitching is not for the faint of heart, it is a position for the real man and the obvious choice for those whom are a tad bit squeamish is just NOT TO PITCH! Hey, I’m not blaming guys for being scared on the bump…it’s almost as scary as a 12 year old boy accepting a ride from this guy!
Ultimately I guess what it comes down to is a man having to make a conscious choice, am I willing to pitch or not? Nobody forces our brave pitchers to the mound at gunpoint it is of their own free will that they assume their post on the bump. I salute those who have the balls to take their place in the middle of the field and realize that a ball could come back at them at anytime.
I guess if Mertog were to have a wish list of what I would like to see this year in Coventry it would be for the USSSA sanctioning which would give us better umpires and better service at a lower cost. It would be to retain the old bat list which would still allow homerun hitters to do their thing and force the rest to become better base-hitters thus keeping the purity of the game where it should be. I would still like to see an over-the-middle guy to protect the pitcher and allow us to give more guys an opportunity to get in the game. I’m still adamantly against the pitcher feinting and doing all the gay shit before the delivery of the ball, I just think that shit is just plain gay for lack of a better word. It just seems obvious to me that USSSA is a complete slam dunk all around.
However, there is one more thing I would like to throw out there and see what everyone thinks of it and that is the addition of an EH. This was something that we used to have in semi-fast that allowed yet another guy to play, the EXTRA HITTER. Now this could be left entirely up to the discretion of the manager of whether or not he wants to add another hitter in the lineup and would allow him to hit a 13th hitter if he so chose to do so. Many times when I was short players and I only have 12 guys I would not play a DH so that I would have a reserve on the bench in case someone got hurt and would not have to take an out when his slot to hit came up. However there were times when I have 15 or 16 guys at the game and it would have been nice to have had an extra spot so he could have gotten his swings in. This is just a thought and I really can’t see any problem with it and I would appreciate some feedback on that thought.
Well that’s about it for this addition of Planet Mertog and I invite anyone who has any comments, ideas, questions or hate-mail for me to shoot me an e-mail at Unclemertog20@yahoo.com
And as always my friends…See you out there!
Entry #9 - 10/23/07
October 23, 2007
Planet Mertog
What a great day of softball it was Sunday, as the mighty Raymond/Jr’s/VFW steamrolled everyone in their path on the way to taking the Crown Jewel of Coventry. Great job guy’s and it was a lot of fun playing against you and I look forward to beating each and every one of you bastards next year.
For those of you who missed the celebration at the PNA, you did yourself rotten baby…it was a lot of fun hanging out with these guys and we had an absolute blast. Next year everyone should show up, it is well worth the time believe me. Rob Raymond was on the blender and making some “Frozen Mud Slides” that he is almost as famous for making as he is for his brilliant pitching schemes.
Rob you are the best brother and if I had to lose I’m glad it was to you….congratulations. For those of you who don’t know this, Rob and I played on many PNA “Semi-Fast” teams together in the early 80’s where Rob nicknamed me “Lasso”. Rob was telling my teammates from the Pub that I would get a hit and just keep running until I was out, and the first base coach would have to lasso me as I ran by first to keep me on base. I responded by telling them that I was young, skinny and fast back then. Rob simply chuckled and said: “You were young and skinny”.
Here’s to you Rob!
Then of course there was the tender moment where my buddy Lemdawg received his trophy for leading the league in hitting this year, there was not a dry eye in the place as he graciously accepted the trophy, which was immediately followed by a thunderous shout from the crowd of “Ricky Who?” I’m not exactly sure what that was about but I will say this, the best hitter in the league is the guy standing there with the hardware…Ya heard!
Of course it was great to see the trophy presented to my boy Riley, who told me that his significant other now absolutely hates me for all the pernicious drivel and diatribe that I write each week. Riley told me that she gets pissed at him for reading my material here on the website when she is trying to talk to him and he literally ignores her to continue reading my posts. That is a high compliment Riley, and you are doing the right thing my brother…keep reading! I’m here as a Public Servant, I’m just trying to keep it real. It is almost like an underground movement that I am trying to start to save all men on the planet and to preserve our manhood from those who seek to usurp it.
I must admit it was an awkward moment to discover she was sitting at the bar and he alerted her to the fact that I was in the room…and suddenly there it was, “The Look”.
I felt the red hot burn all the way to my soul as she glared at me and sent the message, how dare you steal away our “US” time from us with this foolish nonsense that you write.
I must admit I was scared!
Then of course there was Dutilly and Artie posing with the trophy and my only thought was: “I may be ugly, but these are two of the most hideous fucking CHUD’s that I have ever seen”. Get back under your bridge you two ugly bastards before you scare off all the women and children.
…And now that the season is over, I will sincerely miss the witty banter and the nights out cruising with the top down sipping Mocha Cappuccino’s with my boys.
Here we are…”The Awesome Foursome”, Mac, Ernie, Mertog and Smitty together for the last time this year.
Hey we can still get together for some Mocha Caps this winter! So here is one last look at our wild and crazy summer we had! Love you guys!
I have to give a shout out to my teammates at the Pub! This is the best group of guys I have ever played with in my life and I want to thank each and every one of them for playing on this team. I can’t say enough about them and no matter what I say it just wouldn’t do them justice. Mert loves ya baby…see you in the Spring!
I had some downtime during the games this weekend and so I snapped a few photos of “Mertog Nation” and I want to display them for everyone, thanks for reading the shit that I post each week, and I hope you continue to read.
Here are my boys from Precision, look how young they are guys…remember when we were that young. Nice job fellas…you did yourselves proud.
Another nice shot of the “Young Gun’s” bench.
Now that your Uncle Mertog has given you some props…how about lining my shit up yo?
This is a legend in Softball! For those of you who do not know, this is what a real softball player looks like. This is of course Steve Yankee who was and quite possibly still is one of the greatest pitchers in the last 20 some odd years. (Ask Artie he will tell you) It was an honor to play alongside a legend. Thanks for coming out Steve!
Here is my buddy Artie Spinard. What a cuddly oompa loompa he is. I have to be honest with everyone; Artie was one of the only guys that actually helped me out in the initial stages when I first assumed the manager position with the Pub. He came over my first year after his team had just cracked our shit wide open and told me…”You have the makings of a nice little team over here…the potential is there, your guys just need to learn the game a little better.” He told me that we needed to stop trying to shoot guys out at the plate and start hitting the cut offs. He told I needed to teach my young guys how to hit to the opposite field and things like that and offered me a lot of encouragement. He definitely knows his shit and the proof is in the success of all the teams he manages. Most of the other teams just handed us a beating and never took the time to say anything to us. I would hear the moans and the talk before we even took the field: “Easy day guys’…easy day…these guys suck.” Not Artie though, he actually took the time to notice what we were doing wrong and gave me some advice on how to fix it. He also told me, the exemption rule…use it every year to get experienced players in the mix. I’ve done that and it is working.
He also imparted a few jewels of wisdom to me the other night when he said: “You have to learn to lose before you can win” Artie you philosophical wizard you, that was some deep shit you were spitting right there my brother! I was also told to make sure I mentioned Artie’s 473’ bizzzomb he hit at Club Joques. I can’t say I saw it but Ernie Wright states that it was definitely a homer; the dispute seems to be in the exact footage of this bizzzomb!
This is Lemdawg after a small meltdown during the game against Crowe. Apparently somebody on Crowe made a statement about the bats being juiced or painted up Ultra II’s. To which Lemmie responded by throwing every bat in the dugout and in his immediate vicinity out on to the field and yelled “You want to check the bats, here check them all”. It was a beautiful thing to watch. The man is nuts, just so you know! Love your work Lemdawg. And just a quick personal interjection here, their bats are definitely not juiced…the players are. I don’t know but I think there may be some pharmacological experimentation going on with these guys, have you ever seen these guys hit? Dutilly is the coach and that means someone is cheating.
Listen, there is no way that this big bastard can hit a ball 400’ and run as fast as he does. Humans are not built like that….I’m just saying HGH may be involved. By the way Ernie…I love ya, but my boy Donny threw you out by three steps Sunday.
Then there is my boy Ian. Who is the most awkward looking thing coming out of the box. He hits the ball a ton, but his first few steps look like a new born calf learning to walk.
Rob “The Legend” Raymond…this guy is still getting it done; outside of Steve Yankee…this is the trickiest bastard out there on the hill. He’s a bad man with a blender too!
Here are the guys from the Central Coventry Fire Department in their game against the Pub. Good job this year guys, hang in there and like my boy Artie told me…Exemption Rule, use it.
Club Joques was in the house representing Mertog Nation! I was told not to disclose the contents of the mystery coffee mug though I suspected that it was an adult beverage. I was told that this allegation can neither be confirmed nor denied. Good to see you out at the games, see you next spring.
Here is Chacie at the plate with an odd set of batting gloves which were the topic of much discussion. Mainly:” Why the fuck is Chacie wearing work gloves.” I was told that Chacie said that this is what they do down south. Well this intrigued me since my next thought was, yes…but we’re not down south, we can afford real batting gloves up here, we won the war. May I just remind Chacie that they also play barefooted and in farmer jeans down south, so next year are you going to emulate that as well? Hey…we’ll all chip in and get you a nice pair of Franklin batting gloves.
My boys from A+ had a nice little season going for them until they ran into Precision. The young upstarts knocked them out of the playoffs and killed the dream of a rematch against the Pub. We’ll see you guys again next year. I just wanted to tell you that you guys are a bunch of great guys and Mert loves ya. Mark…no hard feelings buddy I was just fucking with you when I said:
Mert’s animals taking in the Bothelo’s game.
My guys Rexia, Gator and Ringer getting a breather in between games.
Lemdawg smiling for Mert with his new piece of hardware!
Well it was another great season, and I had a blast playing with all of you. I can’t wait till next season and I know I’m counting down the days till spring and we get to do it all again. This is a great league, like a big family and c’mon let’s be honest here…Softball is the only sport where big ol’ lumbering ox’s can hug one another and pose for pictures without being called fags. Okay so Artie did say: “You guys are fags”…but what the hell…I love these guys.
So until next year, Mert loves all of you.
As always…
See you out there.
Mertog over and out!
What a great day of softball it was Sunday, as the mighty Raymond/Jr’s/VFW steamrolled everyone in their path on the way to taking the Crown Jewel of Coventry. Great job guy’s and it was a lot of fun playing against you and I look forward to beating each and every one of you bastards next year.
For those of you who missed the celebration at the PNA, you did yourself rotten baby…it was a lot of fun hanging out with these guys and we had an absolute blast. Next year everyone should show up, it is well worth the time believe me. Rob Raymond was on the blender and making some “Frozen Mud Slides” that he is almost as famous for making as he is for his brilliant pitching schemes.
Rob you are the best brother and if I had to lose I’m glad it was to you….congratulations. For those of you who don’t know this, Rob and I played on many PNA “Semi-Fast” teams together in the early 80’s where Rob nicknamed me “Lasso”. Rob was telling my teammates from the Pub that I would get a hit and just keep running until I was out, and the first base coach would have to lasso me as I ran by first to keep me on base. I responded by telling them that I was young, skinny and fast back then. Rob simply chuckled and said: “You were young and skinny”.
Here’s to you Rob!
Then of course there was the tender moment where my buddy Lemdawg received his trophy for leading the league in hitting this year, there was not a dry eye in the place as he graciously accepted the trophy, which was immediately followed by a thunderous shout from the crowd of “Ricky Who?” I’m not exactly sure what that was about but I will say this, the best hitter in the league is the guy standing there with the hardware…Ya heard!
Of course it was great to see the trophy presented to my boy Riley, who told me that his significant other now absolutely hates me for all the pernicious drivel and diatribe that I write each week. Riley told me that she gets pissed at him for reading my material here on the website when she is trying to talk to him and he literally ignores her to continue reading my posts. That is a high compliment Riley, and you are doing the right thing my brother…keep reading! I’m here as a Public Servant, I’m just trying to keep it real. It is almost like an underground movement that I am trying to start to save all men on the planet and to preserve our manhood from those who seek to usurp it.
I must admit it was an awkward moment to discover she was sitting at the bar and he alerted her to the fact that I was in the room…and suddenly there it was, “The Look”.
I felt the red hot burn all the way to my soul as she glared at me and sent the message, how dare you steal away our “US” time from us with this foolish nonsense that you write.
I must admit I was scared!
Then of course there was Dutilly and Artie posing with the trophy and my only thought was: “I may be ugly, but these are two of the most hideous fucking CHUD’s that I have ever seen”. Get back under your bridge you two ugly bastards before you scare off all the women and children.
…And now that the season is over, I will sincerely miss the witty banter and the nights out cruising with the top down sipping Mocha Cappuccino’s with my boys.
Here we are…”The Awesome Foursome”, Mac, Ernie, Mertog and Smitty together for the last time this year.
Hey we can still get together for some Mocha Caps this winter! So here is one last look at our wild and crazy summer we had! Love you guys!
I have to give a shout out to my teammates at the Pub! This is the best group of guys I have ever played with in my life and I want to thank each and every one of them for playing on this team. I can’t say enough about them and no matter what I say it just wouldn’t do them justice. Mert loves ya baby…see you in the Spring!
I had some downtime during the games this weekend and so I snapped a few photos of “Mertog Nation” and I want to display them for everyone, thanks for reading the shit that I post each week, and I hope you continue to read.
Here are my boys from Precision, look how young they are guys…remember when we were that young. Nice job fellas…you did yourselves proud.
Another nice shot of the “Young Gun’s” bench.
Now that your Uncle Mertog has given you some props…how about lining my shit up yo?
This is a legend in Softball! For those of you who do not know, this is what a real softball player looks like. This is of course Steve Yankee who was and quite possibly still is one of the greatest pitchers in the last 20 some odd years. (Ask Artie he will tell you) It was an honor to play alongside a legend. Thanks for coming out Steve!
Here is my buddy Artie Spinard. What a cuddly oompa loompa he is. I have to be honest with everyone; Artie was one of the only guys that actually helped me out in the initial stages when I first assumed the manager position with the Pub. He came over my first year after his team had just cracked our shit wide open and told me…”You have the makings of a nice little team over here…the potential is there, your guys just need to learn the game a little better.” He told me that we needed to stop trying to shoot guys out at the plate and start hitting the cut offs. He told I needed to teach my young guys how to hit to the opposite field and things like that and offered me a lot of encouragement. He definitely knows his shit and the proof is in the success of all the teams he manages. Most of the other teams just handed us a beating and never took the time to say anything to us. I would hear the moans and the talk before we even took the field: “Easy day guys’…easy day…these guys suck.” Not Artie though, he actually took the time to notice what we were doing wrong and gave me some advice on how to fix it. He also told me, the exemption rule…use it every year to get experienced players in the mix. I’ve done that and it is working.
He also imparted a few jewels of wisdom to me the other night when he said: “You have to learn to lose before you can win” Artie you philosophical wizard you, that was some deep shit you were spitting right there my brother! I was also told to make sure I mentioned Artie’s 473’ bizzzomb he hit at Club Joques. I can’t say I saw it but Ernie Wright states that it was definitely a homer; the dispute seems to be in the exact footage of this bizzzomb!
This is Lemdawg after a small meltdown during the game against Crowe. Apparently somebody on Crowe made a statement about the bats being juiced or painted up Ultra II’s. To which Lemmie responded by throwing every bat in the dugout and in his immediate vicinity out on to the field and yelled “You want to check the bats, here check them all”. It was a beautiful thing to watch. The man is nuts, just so you know! Love your work Lemdawg. And just a quick personal interjection here, their bats are definitely not juiced…the players are. I don’t know but I think there may be some pharmacological experimentation going on with these guys, have you ever seen these guys hit? Dutilly is the coach and that means someone is cheating.
Listen, there is no way that this big bastard can hit a ball 400’ and run as fast as he does. Humans are not built like that….I’m just saying HGH may be involved. By the way Ernie…I love ya, but my boy Donny threw you out by three steps Sunday.
Then there is my boy Ian. Who is the most awkward looking thing coming out of the box. He hits the ball a ton, but his first few steps look like a new born calf learning to walk.
Rob “The Legend” Raymond…this guy is still getting it done; outside of Steve Yankee…this is the trickiest bastard out there on the hill. He’s a bad man with a blender too!
Here are the guys from the Central Coventry Fire Department in their game against the Pub. Good job this year guys, hang in there and like my boy Artie told me…Exemption Rule, use it.
Club Joques was in the house representing Mertog Nation! I was told not to disclose the contents of the mystery coffee mug though I suspected that it was an adult beverage. I was told that this allegation can neither be confirmed nor denied. Good to see you out at the games, see you next spring.
Here is Chacie at the plate with an odd set of batting gloves which were the topic of much discussion. Mainly:” Why the fuck is Chacie wearing work gloves.” I was told that Chacie said that this is what they do down south. Well this intrigued me since my next thought was, yes…but we’re not down south, we can afford real batting gloves up here, we won the war. May I just remind Chacie that they also play barefooted and in farmer jeans down south, so next year are you going to emulate that as well? Hey…we’ll all chip in and get you a nice pair of Franklin batting gloves.
My boys from A+ had a nice little season going for them until they ran into Precision. The young upstarts knocked them out of the playoffs and killed the dream of a rematch against the Pub. We’ll see you guys again next year. I just wanted to tell you that you guys are a bunch of great guys and Mert loves ya. Mark…no hard feelings buddy I was just fucking with you when I said:
Mert’s animals taking in the Bothelo’s game.
My guys Rexia, Gator and Ringer getting a breather in between games.
Lemdawg smiling for Mert with his new piece of hardware!
Well it was another great season, and I had a blast playing with all of you. I can’t wait till next season and I know I’m counting down the days till spring and we get to do it all again. This is a great league, like a big family and c’mon let’s be honest here…Softball is the only sport where big ol’ lumbering ox’s can hug one another and pose for pictures without being called fags. Okay so Artie did say: “You guys are fags”…but what the hell…I love these guys.
So until next year, Mert loves all of you.
As always…
See you out there.
Mertog over and out!
Entry #8 - 10/19/07
October 19, 2007
Planet Mertog
I open this Planet Mertog with a rare photo of yours truly. The photo is rare because I’m usually the guy with the camera taking all the pictures and there are very few of me in existence, but what really makes this photo so rare is that I am actually on base…that doesn’t happen too often lately!
However rare photos of myself are, and even rarer still as Mertog getting a base-hit may be…it pales when juxtaposed against the rarity of seeing Ryno on the softball field or on the Website as of late! Ryno sightings have become almost as intriguing and mysterious as reported sightings of the legendary “Bigfoot”.
I’m just trying to provide a public service to the Mertog faithful who read the Planet, but the message seems to fall upon deaf ears. I find myself bemused that the message has not permeated the cranial cavities of my beloved Mertonians yet!
So where is Ryno? Can anyone tell me how he is doing? NO, and do you know why? Because Uncle Mertog was right again…he is now locked hopelessly in STAGE 4 of his softball career, he has been assimilated and relegated to the “Remember a guy named Ryno” category. (Refer to Planet Mertog #5 7/26/07)
I’m sure he would contact us if he could, but he is probably chained up in his basement on Sunday mornings trying to get a message to the outside world.
This is not a facetious allegory meant to make you chuckle, it is a serious warning…heed my words young warriors of the softball diamond…do not get married….EVER! Let me break it down for you like this. Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like Alan Dershowitz, to create the illusionary need for marriage which creates the reality of divorce and thereby creating the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.
I’m spitting some serious shit right there!
As alluring as the opposite sex is to us and the mystical power that certain parts of their anatomies have over us are…you must resist, you must not give in.
It’s a gender war gentlemen, and they are winning as evidenced by the diminishing numbers of married guys on the field each and every weekend. Pat Benatar was right about two things…”Love is a Battlefield” and “Sex is used as a weapon”. It is perhaps the most powerful weapon known to mankind.
If a woman can do this…she can control you. As appealing as it may be it is nothing more than a ploy to own and control you both mentally and physically and believe me once the hooks are in and the ring is around her finger…there is absolutely no escape. You will find yourself hopelessly and irrevocably trapped for eternity where the only escape is the sweet embrace of death.
Have you ever been to one of these “Themed Parties” a friend and his wife throw for their friends? Probably not, because unless you are married your married friend won’t invite you because you are unmarried and his wife doesn’t like you. Oh sure she may be nice to you, but she is still a devious bastard and knows that the greatest threat to her control over your friend is his unmarried friends. That is unless of course she has one of her friends from the pod that just beamed down and needs a man to suck the very life from his bone marrow. That is how they survive, by sucking the essence and life force from us! So if her friend needs a man to feed from, you will get invited…why, because you are available for assimilation and your presence will satisfy two needs. Her vampire friend will get hooked up with a man of her very own to destroy, thus you will no longer be a threat to her control over your friend. As evil as they are, they are clever bastards the lot of them.
Soon you will be invited to one of these “Themed Parties” which are nothing more than celebratory opportunities for women to show off to their friends just how conquered and vanquished their men are. If a women can get you to wear a “gay-assed” costume to a “70’s Retro night” or a “Medieval Night”…you are so fucked. Look around the room, look at the couple across from you and realize…..
Not that I condone marriage at all, and let me make myself perfectly clear…I DON’T, but in the case that you ignore my warnings and decide to seal your fate, marry European. The major cultural differences are extremely important here. American women are a completely different species of woman than are their European counterparts. The differences are apparent and need to be discussed for your own personal safety. American women are “CONSUMERS”, not in the sense that they buy everything (though this is often the case) but rather in the sense that they consume everything in their sight, including your soul. They are like “Planet Killers” and just chew through anything in their path. This is not without certain consequences and dire results. Eventually American woman after pinning down a young man and gnawing away at his carotid artery like a hyena on a young marsupial, they will without question begin to change. These changes are due to the fact that they realize that the chase is over and the kill has begun and they no longer have to be as alluring to the opposite sex as they once were. You bought the package and you now own it (or it owns you to be more precise). Their self image is no longer a concern and that should concern you. Here is an illustration as to what I’m talking about.
Frightening isn’t it? I’m sorry that I have to be so graphic, but this has to be done for your own good. Let me illustrate further.
This is the illusion, the bait so to speak.
This is the reality of things to come!
They say it is not what is outside that counts, it is what is inside that matters. Well your good Ol’ Uncle Mertog is here to tell you that the old adage is absolutely true. I want each of you to understand that inside every single one of these…
Is one of these….fighting to get out!
I am without question the most hated male on the planet and women absolutely despise me. Not because I’m ugly, work in a prison and smell funny when I get wet, (Though that may have something to do with it) but rather it’s because I’m spitting that “Mertonian Truth” baby…and they hate that.
I had a friend who asked me to be his best man at his wedding and despite my better judgment I accepted. This was not because I really wanted to be his best man but rather because I assumed that he may need someone to help him escape at the last minute and drive him to Mexico to take in a Donkey Show. This never happened to my great dismay and he went through with it despite all my warnings.
Anyway, unbeknownst to him I had written on the bottom of his rented shoes, “Help Me…Call 911” So when my buddy knelt down at the altar everyone in attendance could see the message and there was some stifled laughter in the church once the message was spotted. As I looked around the crowd I noticed all the guys were doing their best to suppress their laughter as their significant others slapped them in the back of their heads. Mind you they were not slapping them because they were laughing but they were slapping them because they found the message itself funny. After the mass the grooms father and father-in-law came up to me and told me how funny it was, but the bride and her mother were ready to kill me and haven’t uttered a single word to me since.
That is the point of this whole rant guys, women know the truth and they hate it when we finally get hip to their game. As Hans and Franz would say…”Listen to me now and believe me later,” if you get married you will DIE! Perhaps not in the physical sense, (although death is a more pleasant option to marriage) but in a more philosophical sense.
So take it from Mertog and take heed in the disappearance of my good friend Ryno, if you’re thinking about tying the knot, make it a noose and just get the job done faster.
So my good Metonians, I leave you with this poem
Dylan Thomas
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Mertog Out!
I open this Planet Mertog with a rare photo of yours truly. The photo is rare because I’m usually the guy with the camera taking all the pictures and there are very few of me in existence, but what really makes this photo so rare is that I am actually on base…that doesn’t happen too often lately!
However rare photos of myself are, and even rarer still as Mertog getting a base-hit may be…it pales when juxtaposed against the rarity of seeing Ryno on the softball field or on the Website as of late! Ryno sightings have become almost as intriguing and mysterious as reported sightings of the legendary “Bigfoot”.
I’m just trying to provide a public service to the Mertog faithful who read the Planet, but the message seems to fall upon deaf ears. I find myself bemused that the message has not permeated the cranial cavities of my beloved Mertonians yet!
So where is Ryno? Can anyone tell me how he is doing? NO, and do you know why? Because Uncle Mertog was right again…he is now locked hopelessly in STAGE 4 of his softball career, he has been assimilated and relegated to the “Remember a guy named Ryno” category. (Refer to Planet Mertog #5 7/26/07)
I’m sure he would contact us if he could, but he is probably chained up in his basement on Sunday mornings trying to get a message to the outside world.
This is not a facetious allegory meant to make you chuckle, it is a serious warning…heed my words young warriors of the softball diamond…do not get married….EVER! Let me break it down for you like this. Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like Alan Dershowitz, to create the illusionary need for marriage which creates the reality of divorce and thereby creating the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.
I’m spitting some serious shit right there!
As alluring as the opposite sex is to us and the mystical power that certain parts of their anatomies have over us are…you must resist, you must not give in.
It’s a gender war gentlemen, and they are winning as evidenced by the diminishing numbers of married guys on the field each and every weekend. Pat Benatar was right about two things…”Love is a Battlefield” and “Sex is used as a weapon”. It is perhaps the most powerful weapon known to mankind.
If a woman can do this…she can control you. As appealing as it may be it is nothing more than a ploy to own and control you both mentally and physically and believe me once the hooks are in and the ring is around her finger…there is absolutely no escape. You will find yourself hopelessly and irrevocably trapped for eternity where the only escape is the sweet embrace of death.
Have you ever been to one of these “Themed Parties” a friend and his wife throw for their friends? Probably not, because unless you are married your married friend won’t invite you because you are unmarried and his wife doesn’t like you. Oh sure she may be nice to you, but she is still a devious bastard and knows that the greatest threat to her control over your friend is his unmarried friends. That is unless of course she has one of her friends from the pod that just beamed down and needs a man to suck the very life from his bone marrow. That is how they survive, by sucking the essence and life force from us! So if her friend needs a man to feed from, you will get invited…why, because you are available for assimilation and your presence will satisfy two needs. Her vampire friend will get hooked up with a man of her very own to destroy, thus you will no longer be a threat to her control over your friend. As evil as they are, they are clever bastards the lot of them.
Soon you will be invited to one of these “Themed Parties” which are nothing more than celebratory opportunities for women to show off to their friends just how conquered and vanquished their men are. If a women can get you to wear a “gay-assed” costume to a “70’s Retro night” or a “Medieval Night”…you are so fucked. Look around the room, look at the couple across from you and realize…..
Not that I condone marriage at all, and let me make myself perfectly clear…I DON’T, but in the case that you ignore my warnings and decide to seal your fate, marry European. The major cultural differences are extremely important here. American women are a completely different species of woman than are their European counterparts. The differences are apparent and need to be discussed for your own personal safety. American women are “CONSUMERS”, not in the sense that they buy everything (though this is often the case) but rather in the sense that they consume everything in their sight, including your soul. They are like “Planet Killers” and just chew through anything in their path. This is not without certain consequences and dire results. Eventually American woman after pinning down a young man and gnawing away at his carotid artery like a hyena on a young marsupial, they will without question begin to change. These changes are due to the fact that they realize that the chase is over and the kill has begun and they no longer have to be as alluring to the opposite sex as they once were. You bought the package and you now own it (or it owns you to be more precise). Their self image is no longer a concern and that should concern you. Here is an illustration as to what I’m talking about.
Frightening isn’t it? I’m sorry that I have to be so graphic, but this has to be done for your own good. Let me illustrate further.
This is the illusion, the bait so to speak.
This is the reality of things to come!
They say it is not what is outside that counts, it is what is inside that matters. Well your good Ol’ Uncle Mertog is here to tell you that the old adage is absolutely true. I want each of you to understand that inside every single one of these…
Is one of these….fighting to get out!
I am without question the most hated male on the planet and women absolutely despise me. Not because I’m ugly, work in a prison and smell funny when I get wet, (Though that may have something to do with it) but rather it’s because I’m spitting that “Mertonian Truth” baby…and they hate that.
I had a friend who asked me to be his best man at his wedding and despite my better judgment I accepted. This was not because I really wanted to be his best man but rather because I assumed that he may need someone to help him escape at the last minute and drive him to Mexico to take in a Donkey Show. This never happened to my great dismay and he went through with it despite all my warnings.
Anyway, unbeknownst to him I had written on the bottom of his rented shoes, “Help Me…Call 911” So when my buddy knelt down at the altar everyone in attendance could see the message and there was some stifled laughter in the church once the message was spotted. As I looked around the crowd I noticed all the guys were doing their best to suppress their laughter as their significant others slapped them in the back of their heads. Mind you they were not slapping them because they were laughing but they were slapping them because they found the message itself funny. After the mass the grooms father and father-in-law came up to me and told me how funny it was, but the bride and her mother were ready to kill me and haven’t uttered a single word to me since.
That is the point of this whole rant guys, women know the truth and they hate it when we finally get hip to their game. As Hans and Franz would say…”Listen to me now and believe me later,” if you get married you will DIE! Perhaps not in the physical sense, (although death is a more pleasant option to marriage) but in a more philosophical sense.
So take it from Mertog and take heed in the disappearance of my good friend Ryno, if you’re thinking about tying the knot, make it a noose and just get the job done faster.
So my good Metonians, I leave you with this poem
Dylan Thomas
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Mertog Out!
Entry #7 - 10/5/07
October 5, 2007
Planet Mertog 
Well I have finally liberated the computer from the clutches of the evil entity known as “THE WIFE”. I just had to explain to her in no uncertain terms who wears the pants in the family and that I will do as I please when I please.
This angered “THE WIFE” and thus I had to hide out at Smitty’s for what is routinely known around here as “A Cooling Down Period” Which when literally translated means, until she destroys enough property to satiate her bloodlust!
Most of you married guys know exactly the unspeakable horrors of which I am referring! For all of you lucky bastard single guys….this is just a taste of the tortures that await you.
This is no joke…if you think I’m joking then why don’t you answer this question for me…”What Happened to Ryno?” Haven’t seen him have you? He hasn’t been on the website or a softball field this fall has he? Think about that…think about that!
I have your attention now don’t I? You won’t listen though, no one ever does…until of course it is too late, then they all say: “Good Ol’ Mertog knew what he was talking about” The problem is we all think with the wrong head!
Ryno R.I.P. 2007 We miss you man! I know you thought she would buy you a bat for Christmas so you could play more softball, but little did you know that bat had your name on it. (Pours beer on ground for fallen Homey!)
The “SMACK” is BACK
It seems that as of late the old time ritual of smack-talk is alive and well here in the Coventry Men’s League. God I missed it! Ah, the colorful “Ebonics-Laced” ramblings of lower-middle classed suburbia youth, immersed in emulating the verbiage of their imagined peers on the lower end of the economic strata, in an attempt to identify with a subculture with which they have no commonality save pop music, to perpetuate a fictitious self-image. Apparently Coventry is in da house yo! Ya Heard!
While well over 600,000 people played “Halo 3” on the eve of it’s release on-line, thus causing server overloads everywhere, it is apparent that here in Coventry…the number 1 game was not “Halo 3” but something much more insidious in nature!
THE FIELDS Why do we still play on Washington Oak field? This has got to be the worst piece of shit field known to mankind.
The Bases aren’t even close to being the right distance apart, the foul lines are completely off, we lose 20 balls a week there and the field itself is in terrible shape. This is not a softball field it is a nightmare, complete with ankle breaking potholes!
Now this is what a softball field is supposed to look like. I absolutely hate Washington Oak…I dread playing there for fear of losing teeth or snapping an ankle on that rough terrain. We have Raven Woods now, why do we still use Washington Oak?
USSSA or ASA?
I know that it’s like beating a dead horse, but can someone tell me what the story is with the USSSA and ASA thing? Has the issue died?
We definitely need to get new umpires and soon, these guys’s have no place umpiring games. Everyone will make bad calls…and that is not the problem, the problem is their interpretation of the rules themselves and their self-righteous infallible attitudes. Recently, I nearly got thrown out of a game for simply saying “Illegal” when Rob Raymond was testing the waters as he usually does with his infamous 25’ high arc pitches. The umpire told me that he was not going to listen to this all day and next time I was gone. Later he approached me and said: “I used to love hitting high arc pitches and a lot of guys like them too, that’s why I don’t call them illegal.” To which I responded: “we’re playing ASA rules and lots of guys love hitting with Ultra II’s, Original Synergy’s and a host of other bats that are deemed illegal under ASA rules, are you going to ignore that rule too? I don’t blame Rob at all, it is his job to see how high an arc he will be allowed to get away with early in the game. You throw as high an arc as you can until it is called illegal and you might get away with a higher arc…its smart strategy. But it is also the umpire’s job to establish the arc immediately and to call pitches that are outside this boundary illegal. If they are going to disregard certain rules then why have any at all? In hindsight, I should have said: “I used to love umpiring games for free and that is why I’m not going to pay you today!” I think making serious inquiries into USSSA may be a prudent move at this juncture. I just call them like I see them!
News!
Well it appears that a former Coventry legend and softball God will be returning to R.I., as Chris Knight has confirmed via the message boards that he will be playing for Jr’s in the playoffs and will be returning to Chris Moulton Construction next summer.
This means several things…1) Jr’s will definitely be a serious problem in the playoffs this year and have yet another massive bomber on that already sick squad. 2) Moulton adds yet another massive bomber on that already sick squad and will be in contention for a championship next year. 3) Chris Knight may replace Ian Smith as the object of worship in “Planet Mertog.”
Just kidding Ian, you know you are still number one in my heart!
SMITTY WOULD LIKE TO INTERRUPT THIS RANT FOR ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Many of you have asked me why Mert loves blowing me online. I think it's time to clarify. Pub beat us in the first game of the double header this year. We came back and won the second game. I went over to talk to Mert after the games and said, "So how long do I have to wait before I get blowed online like everyone else you have played this year?" Mert immediately went over the top with the "great bunch of guys" etc etc that you all know and love. However, since I called him out, he has developed a MANCRUSH on me. I hope Knight takes over for me. SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS PLANET MERTOG. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED RANT.
To my boy Ernie Wright….I didn’t forget you, here is a little something for you which incorporates both food and sex!
I would have posted one of Lindsay Lohan but we all know where she is right now.
Well until next time…..See you out there,
Mertog out!
Well I have finally liberated the computer from the clutches of the evil entity known as “THE WIFE”. I just had to explain to her in no uncertain terms who wears the pants in the family and that I will do as I please when I please.
This angered “THE WIFE” and thus I had to hide out at Smitty’s for what is routinely known around here as “A Cooling Down Period” Which when literally translated means, until she destroys enough property to satiate her bloodlust!
Most of you married guys know exactly the unspeakable horrors of which I am referring! For all of you lucky bastard single guys….this is just a taste of the tortures that await you.
This is no joke…if you think I’m joking then why don’t you answer this question for me…”What Happened to Ryno?” Haven’t seen him have you? He hasn’t been on the website or a softball field this fall has he? Think about that…think about that!
I have your attention now don’t I? You won’t listen though, no one ever does…until of course it is too late, then they all say: “Good Ol’ Mertog knew what he was talking about” The problem is we all think with the wrong head!
Ryno R.I.P. 2007 We miss you man! I know you thought she would buy you a bat for Christmas so you could play more softball, but little did you know that bat had your name on it. (Pours beer on ground for fallen Homey!)
The “SMACK” is BACK
It seems that as of late the old time ritual of smack-talk is alive and well here in the Coventry Men’s League. God I missed it! Ah, the colorful “Ebonics-Laced” ramblings of lower-middle classed suburbia youth, immersed in emulating the verbiage of their imagined peers on the lower end of the economic strata, in an attempt to identify with a subculture with which they have no commonality save pop music, to perpetuate a fictitious self-image. Apparently Coventry is in da house yo! Ya Heard!
While well over 600,000 people played “Halo 3” on the eve of it’s release on-line, thus causing server overloads everywhere, it is apparent that here in Coventry…the number 1 game was not “Halo 3” but something much more insidious in nature!
THE FIELDS Why do we still play on Washington Oak field? This has got to be the worst piece of shit field known to mankind.
The Bases aren’t even close to being the right distance apart, the foul lines are completely off, we lose 20 balls a week there and the field itself is in terrible shape. This is not a softball field it is a nightmare, complete with ankle breaking potholes!
Now this is what a softball field is supposed to look like. I absolutely hate Washington Oak…I dread playing there for fear of losing teeth or snapping an ankle on that rough terrain. We have Raven Woods now, why do we still use Washington Oak?
USSSA or ASA?
I know that it’s like beating a dead horse, but can someone tell me what the story is with the USSSA and ASA thing? Has the issue died?
We definitely need to get new umpires and soon, these guys’s have no place umpiring games. Everyone will make bad calls…and that is not the problem, the problem is their interpretation of the rules themselves and their self-righteous infallible attitudes. Recently, I nearly got thrown out of a game for simply saying “Illegal” when Rob Raymond was testing the waters as he usually does with his infamous 25’ high arc pitches. The umpire told me that he was not going to listen to this all day and next time I was gone. Later he approached me and said: “I used to love hitting high arc pitches and a lot of guys like them too, that’s why I don’t call them illegal.” To which I responded: “we’re playing ASA rules and lots of guys love hitting with Ultra II’s, Original Synergy’s and a host of other bats that are deemed illegal under ASA rules, are you going to ignore that rule too? I don’t blame Rob at all, it is his job to see how high an arc he will be allowed to get away with early in the game. You throw as high an arc as you can until it is called illegal and you might get away with a higher arc…its smart strategy. But it is also the umpire’s job to establish the arc immediately and to call pitches that are outside this boundary illegal. If they are going to disregard certain rules then why have any at all? In hindsight, I should have said: “I used to love umpiring games for free and that is why I’m not going to pay you today!” I think making serious inquiries into USSSA may be a prudent move at this juncture. I just call them like I see them!
News!
Well it appears that a former Coventry legend and softball God will be returning to R.I., as Chris Knight has confirmed via the message boards that he will be playing for Jr’s in the playoffs and will be returning to Chris Moulton Construction next summer.
This means several things…1) Jr’s will definitely be a serious problem in the playoffs this year and have yet another massive bomber on that already sick squad. 2) Moulton adds yet another massive bomber on that already sick squad and will be in contention for a championship next year. 3) Chris Knight may replace Ian Smith as the object of worship in “Planet Mertog.”
Just kidding Ian, you know you are still number one in my heart!
SMITTY WOULD LIKE TO INTERRUPT THIS RANT FOR ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Many of you have asked me why Mert loves blowing me online. I think it's time to clarify. Pub beat us in the first game of the double header this year. We came back and won the second game. I went over to talk to Mert after the games and said, "So how long do I have to wait before I get blowed online like everyone else you have played this year?" Mert immediately went over the top with the "great bunch of guys" etc etc that you all know and love. However, since I called him out, he has developed a MANCRUSH on me. I hope Knight takes over for me. SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS PLANET MERTOG. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED RANT.
To my boy Ernie Wright….I didn’t forget you, here is a little something for you which incorporates both food and sex!
I would have posted one of Lindsay Lohan but we all know where she is right now.
Well until next time…..See you out there,
Mertog out!
September 9, 2007
“PLANET MERTOG RETURNS”
Well I’ve been gone for some time now, did you all miss me? Well I’m back and I’m doing what I do best…you guessed it, the knee pads are on so let the verbal fellatio begin!
And what would a Planet Mertog be without a patented gratuitous simulated fellatio shot as the main staple of my ramblings?
I suppose congratulations are definitely in order to all the members of Bothelo’s and their incredible season. They steamrolled the league and won the championship. Smitty and Bob put a great team out there this year with a great bunch of guys, so congratulations! Did I mention they may be the greatest team ever assembled on a Coventry softball field?
I see you…I see you!
I’m told the victory celebration was something to behold, wish I could have been there. Beer flowing freely and people dancing with trophies, Smitty told me it was great just seeing guys who have been around so long and never having won one before, finally get a chance to celebrate. And celebrate they did!
…And of course as is customary in all my Planet Mertog deranged rants, I must now bow down at the altar of “Smittyism” and worship the “Webmaster” extraordinaire and softball God…Ian Smith! Whose master tutelage and motivational talks to his team were just one of several reasons that they were able to take the coveted crown of Coventry Softball. Smitty, you are my hero!
I believe it was his pep talk to his team that Sunday when they played the Pub that really showed me the kind of love that Smitty had for his team all season, and it nearly brought a tear to my eye. I don’t recall the exact words that he used, but it was something along the lines of “Listen all you once-a-week mutha fuckers, just shut up and let me run the bases”! Truly a tender and inspirational moment!
I hear ya Smitty, every once in awhile you have to get up in these once-a-weeker’s faces and let them know you play three or four times a week. “Let me see your “War Face” you once-a-week maggot”!
My sources whom will remain nameless, tell me that Botelho’s took two straight pretty handily from the VFW and the games were pretty much a one sided affair from the get go. Like taking candy from a baby!
These same sources also tell me there was a little controversy circling the whole affair, and though they weren’t too specific on the details, they did state it concerned my boy Artie not being able to make the Championship game and having to play in a tournament in Connecticut that day.
Anyway, I was told that Smitty did what was best for the overall integrity of the league and for all the guys who only have the opportunity to play once a week. Ironically, Smitty inadvertently has championed the rights of the once-a-week mutha fuckers. Did I mention that Smitty is my hero?
At any rate, we do in fact have a new Champion this year and the old champion has been cast out by a heroic band of once-a-week mutha fuckers!
So Congratulations to Bob Botelho, Matt Scanlon, Paul Gorman, Matt Turbit, Dean Amoroso, Jeff Kendra, Jeff Considine, Ken Bettez, Ryan Tanish, Brian Bagshaw, Nate Grinnell, Tom Sevigny, Brian Stevens, Dave Laudon, Ted Rounds….and of course, Ian Smith, on your 24-6 season and the Championship trophy.
This is for you guys!
I have to give a quick shout out to my boy Mac, me you and Smitty will get together soon and go cruising again real soon bro!
Ryno, I heard your exploits at your bachelor party were legendary! Did you remember to write that little note on the back of your hand?
Passing out at the P.N.A. can be an unusual experience, especially the view from the floor!
This is what you have to look forward to everyday!
And to the rest of you once-a-week mutha fuckers, see you out there and good luck in fall ball.
Mertog Out!
Well I’ve been gone for some time now, did you all miss me? Well I’m back and I’m doing what I do best…you guessed it, the knee pads are on so let the verbal fellatio begin!
And what would a Planet Mertog be without a patented gratuitous simulated fellatio shot as the main staple of my ramblings?
I suppose congratulations are definitely in order to all the members of Bothelo’s and their incredible season. They steamrolled the league and won the championship. Smitty and Bob put a great team out there this year with a great bunch of guys, so congratulations! Did I mention they may be the greatest team ever assembled on a Coventry softball field?
I see you…I see you!
I’m told the victory celebration was something to behold, wish I could have been there. Beer flowing freely and people dancing with trophies, Smitty told me it was great just seeing guys who have been around so long and never having won one before, finally get a chance to celebrate. And celebrate they did!
…And of course as is customary in all my Planet Mertog deranged rants, I must now bow down at the altar of “Smittyism” and worship the “Webmaster” extraordinaire and softball God…Ian Smith! Whose master tutelage and motivational talks to his team were just one of several reasons that they were able to take the coveted crown of Coventry Softball. Smitty, you are my hero!
I believe it was his pep talk to his team that Sunday when they played the Pub that really showed me the kind of love that Smitty had for his team all season, and it nearly brought a tear to my eye. I don’t recall the exact words that he used, but it was something along the lines of “Listen all you once-a-week mutha fuckers, just shut up and let me run the bases”! Truly a tender and inspirational moment!
I hear ya Smitty, every once in awhile you have to get up in these once-a-weeker’s faces and let them know you play three or four times a week. “Let me see your “War Face” you once-a-week maggot”!
My sources whom will remain nameless, tell me that Botelho’s took two straight pretty handily from the VFW and the games were pretty much a one sided affair from the get go. Like taking candy from a baby!
These same sources also tell me there was a little controversy circling the whole affair, and though they weren’t too specific on the details, they did state it concerned my boy Artie not being able to make the Championship game and having to play in a tournament in Connecticut that day.
Anyway, I was told that Smitty did what was best for the overall integrity of the league and for all the guys who only have the opportunity to play once a week. Ironically, Smitty inadvertently has championed the rights of the once-a-week mutha fuckers. Did I mention that Smitty is my hero?
At any rate, we do in fact have a new Champion this year and the old champion has been cast out by a heroic band of once-a-week mutha fuckers!
So Congratulations to Bob Botelho, Matt Scanlon, Paul Gorman, Matt Turbit, Dean Amoroso, Jeff Kendra, Jeff Considine, Ken Bettez, Ryan Tanish, Brian Bagshaw, Nate Grinnell, Tom Sevigny, Brian Stevens, Dave Laudon, Ted Rounds….and of course, Ian Smith, on your 24-6 season and the Championship trophy.
This is for you guys!
I have to give a quick shout out to my boy Mac, me you and Smitty will get together soon and go cruising again real soon bro!
Ryno, I heard your exploits at your bachelor party were legendary! Did you remember to write that little note on the back of your hand?
Passing out at the P.N.A. can be an unusual experience, especially the view from the floor!
This is what you have to look forward to everyday!
And to the rest of you once-a-week mutha fuckers, see you out there and good luck in fall ball.
Mertog Out!
Entry #5 - 7/26/07
July 26, 2007
PLANET MERTOG 
I received an E-mail from my good friend Ian Smith, who just so happens to be the king of the softball diamond as well as being an English teacher extraordinaire. Ian suggested that I further elaborate on the evolution of the softball player and investigate the complexities of the softball player and the direct correlation that relationships, drinking, and age have on becoming a great softball player. To which I responded…”HUH”?
All I can say is that Ian must be one hell of a teacher because I didn’t understand a word he said. He told me to be careful of my “Iambic Pentameter”, and I said: “Sure, wouldn’t want to do anything to screw that up…I might need it someday, You definitely want to keep your Iambic pentameter as clean as possible at all times”. To which Ian simply responded with one word…Idiot!
Ian suggested that I explore the use of the “double entendre” and try to incorporate that into my writing style. I tried to explain to Ian that I am an "artiste" and I cannot be bound by the constraints of grammatical rules and regulations, besides who does he think I am, Oscar Wilde? No, I shall not be bound by the mortal rules of grammar and I shall revolt against any and all restraints of the English language…just like Papa Hemmingway. Besides, I don’t know what the rules are; if I did I would probably just use them.
Now, I can’t say from experience what being a great softball player is about, since I have never achieved a level higher than “Okay you are a warm body and we need players, go fill the hole.” This is a level that I am comfortable with and gladly accept my role in the grand scheme.
However, being a sociologist (meaning I watch and study people, not in a creepy stalking way but rather general observations about their behavior. Okay sometimes I can get creepy too) I can speak about the observations that I have made over the years. So when Ian handed me this little English assignment, I gladly accepted.
As Aristotle pointed out so many times in his essays, everything in life is a cycle. You always can spot a person who has read Aristotle; they have an indentation in their forehead just above the nose and between the eyes which is caused from falling asleep with their face planted in the book, apparently trying to read the book through osmosis. This does not detract from the fact that he was right about everything moving in cycles, and this theory can be applied to softball. So here is my astute analysis of the cycle of life as it applies to softball.
STAGE 1: THE CHRYSALIS! Usually starts out with a young man just graduating high-school and has played baseball all his life. He either has no plans to go to college and decides that he will fill his free time with drinking, chasing the ladies and playing softball; or he is in college and does the same thing. Softball, by the way is still one of the only sports where you can actually be a heavy drinker, womanizer, smoker, and still be able to compete at a high-level. Unless of course you consider playing professional soccer, where drinking and smoking and rioting are simply par for the course.
He is generally a very good player, since he has played organized ball all of his life and knows the game. He is young, athletic, dedicated and is a very good player who simply has to make the transition from baseball to softball. He is not yet aware of the subtle nuances that exist in softball. The swing is a bit different and he still has to learn that holding a runner to a single is more important than trying to shoot the lead runner down. He is dedicated and no matter how drunk he gets the night before and he will be there for you on Sunday morning.
At this stage in his career, a serious relationship is the last thing on his mind. Women are something that he simply needs to sow his oats. These players are great to have around since they attract the young women and give us old timers something to look at.
The girlfriend at this point in time will go to his games and feign an interest in his activities, simply because she is looking to gain his trust so that she can sink the hooks in and bag this young animal, stuff him and mount him over the mantle as the husband she bagged once while on safari. She believes that he is just drunk enough and stupid enough to mold into something she can call husband material. She has an insidious plan for the future, a plan which does not include softball. Deep inside she really hates coming to the games and being leered at by sex deprived old timers who whisper: “The things I could do to that”! The young man at this point is not looking for a relationship; he simply wants easily accessed sex. Who can blame him? Don’t we all? As hot as she may be, he will definitely blow this relationship in the long run, because his true love comes ice cold in aluminum cans. You can identify this kind of player simply by going over to his apartment to wake his drunk ass up on Sunday morning; his place will usually look like this.
STAGE 2: GLORY YEARS! This young man has now learned the game of softball and all its vast complexities. He is still single, and his only interests include drinking, sex and softball. He is now playing in two or three leagues and has really taken to the game. His relationship status remains unchanged and he continues to bring the eye candy to the games with him. His activities the night before the game will include the following:
POWER DRINKING
SEX
MORE DRINKING
BEING HUMILIATED BY FRIENDS
AND BEING AWAKEN BY HIS COACH IN THE MORNING
He is one of God’s most beautiful creatures!
STAGE 3: THE DESCENT! The player has matured a lot in the off season and is now starting to think about other activities beyond softball. He has a steady girlfriend who has got him thinking about such things as a meaningful career, school and marriage. This is the transitional stage that is known as the “The Curse of the Pink Triangle”. It happens to even the best of them, and eventually we all fall victim to it’s inescapable lure. On one episode of Seinfeld it was referred to as the “Kavorka”….the lure of the animal.
She will no longer attend the games and looks upon his friends with utter disdain. She will begin to say things like: “I can’t believe you hang around with these morons, what do you see in them anyway”. At this point the truth can only be seen by his friends.
The Bitch is Crazy!
His attendance at games is now spotty and he is sorely missed by his teammates, this causes a serious disruption in the chemistry of the team and the team itself begins to suffer. He can no longer be relied on to show up and will not answer his calls. The coach doesn’t want to throw him off the team because he is still a very good player when he shows up, but he certainly has become a problem. More importantly, he has forfeited his manhood and has relinquished his crown as king of the jungle and has become submissive, a mere shadow of what he once was.
STAGE 4: ROCK BOTTOM! The poor bastard has submitted to the dark side and has gotten married despite all the warnings from his friends. He is older now and not quite as good as he used to be since he only plays occasionally. Now he is essentially a part time player and shows up only when he doesn’t have to work or when he has no chores to do around the house. He misses games due to such things as weddings, christenings, or babysitting because his wife went out for a girl’s day at the spa with her friends. His skills have diminished and you could really care less if he showed up or not. He is suffering beneath the yoke of oppression and before long he is yearning to play more softball just to get away from the hell on earth of marriage. He is nothing more than a mere man-slave now and is pretty much useless as a softball player.
STAGE 5: This stage is comprised of two parts. The first part is the player has now realized what a mess he has made of his life and begins showing up more and more to softball just to get away from “THE WIFE” which usually signifies the second part is about to begin…DIVORCE. It is inevitable, look at the statistics if you think I’m lying. The thing about statistics is that no one believes them until they become one.
The player now gets divorced because he is sick of the torment she puts him through and she is sick of his escaping her torment by playing softball. He begins to drink heavily again and hangs out in the bars with the guys after the games. He is a miserable wretch but he is willing to buy so long as you keep him company. If you want an inexpensive day of drinking, hook up with this guy and drink all day on him, but be ready to hear all the sordid details of shit you really don’t want to hear.
As a player, he is now reliable once again and shows up every Sunday, but he is no longer the player he used to be. He is much heavier and slower than he used to be, but he has experience; and in softball experience is everything. He is confrontational with the umpires and opposing team players and is a time bomb ready to explode, ready to unleash his pain and anguish out on the first taker. Many times you will have to drive him home after a day of drinking and you will usually find him in the parking lot in his car looking something like this.
STAGE 6: REALIZATION! The player at this stage has some tough choices to make, retire and face the reality that he no longer can play the game or become a coach or manager and play here and there when teams are short of players who are in now in stage 3 or 4! In this stage, only then does a player understand what it is like to have to put up with players immersed in stage 3 and 4, and then and only then do they realize what it is like to try to fill a roster with all you sons-a-bitches.
There is one more category that pops up each and every year, a category that I call the “AMERICAN IDOL SYNDROME” Inevitably when you are recruiting for your team, there is always one guy who overhears the conversation and wants to join the team. He’ll tell you that he played little league and high school ball, but when he shows up he is nothing more than a danger to himself and others around him. I call this the “AMERICAN IDOL SYNDROME” because it is just like watching American Idol when some shit-head, who believes they actually have talent begins to sing and you are sitting there at home saying to yourself: “This asshole can’t seriously believe that he actually has talent”. And just like on American idol, they get extremely upset when you tell them thanks but no thanks, or when you simply tell them they suck.
Eventually we all wind up in the same spot, sitting at our local bar and remising about the days when we could all play the game. “Remember the time Ryno hit that shot at Foster field down the right field line that one hopped the fence, yeah Good times”!
See you out there, Mertog!
I received an E-mail from my good friend Ian Smith, who just so happens to be the king of the softball diamond as well as being an English teacher extraordinaire. Ian suggested that I further elaborate on the evolution of the softball player and investigate the complexities of the softball player and the direct correlation that relationships, drinking, and age have on becoming a great softball player. To which I responded…”HUH”?
All I can say is that Ian must be one hell of a teacher because I didn’t understand a word he said. He told me to be careful of my “Iambic Pentameter”, and I said: “Sure, wouldn’t want to do anything to screw that up…I might need it someday, You definitely want to keep your Iambic pentameter as clean as possible at all times”. To which Ian simply responded with one word…Idiot!
Ian suggested that I explore the use of the “double entendre” and try to incorporate that into my writing style. I tried to explain to Ian that I am an "artiste" and I cannot be bound by the constraints of grammatical rules and regulations, besides who does he think I am, Oscar Wilde? No, I shall not be bound by the mortal rules of grammar and I shall revolt against any and all restraints of the English language…just like Papa Hemmingway. Besides, I don’t know what the rules are; if I did I would probably just use them.
Now, I can’t say from experience what being a great softball player is about, since I have never achieved a level higher than “Okay you are a warm body and we need players, go fill the hole.” This is a level that I am comfortable with and gladly accept my role in the grand scheme.
However, being a sociologist (meaning I watch and study people, not in a creepy stalking way but rather general observations about their behavior. Okay sometimes I can get creepy too) I can speak about the observations that I have made over the years. So when Ian handed me this little English assignment, I gladly accepted.
As Aristotle pointed out so many times in his essays, everything in life is a cycle. You always can spot a person who has read Aristotle; they have an indentation in their forehead just above the nose and between the eyes which is caused from falling asleep with their face planted in the book, apparently trying to read the book through osmosis. This does not detract from the fact that he was right about everything moving in cycles, and this theory can be applied to softball. So here is my astute analysis of the cycle of life as it applies to softball.
STAGE 1: THE CHRYSALIS! Usually starts out with a young man just graduating high-school and has played baseball all his life. He either has no plans to go to college and decides that he will fill his free time with drinking, chasing the ladies and playing softball; or he is in college and does the same thing. Softball, by the way is still one of the only sports where you can actually be a heavy drinker, womanizer, smoker, and still be able to compete at a high-level. Unless of course you consider playing professional soccer, where drinking and smoking and rioting are simply par for the course.
He is generally a very good player, since he has played organized ball all of his life and knows the game. He is young, athletic, dedicated and is a very good player who simply has to make the transition from baseball to softball. He is not yet aware of the subtle nuances that exist in softball. The swing is a bit different and he still has to learn that holding a runner to a single is more important than trying to shoot the lead runner down. He is dedicated and no matter how drunk he gets the night before and he will be there for you on Sunday morning.
At this stage in his career, a serious relationship is the last thing on his mind. Women are something that he simply needs to sow his oats. These players are great to have around since they attract the young women and give us old timers something to look at.
The girlfriend at this point in time will go to his games and feign an interest in his activities, simply because she is looking to gain his trust so that she can sink the hooks in and bag this young animal, stuff him and mount him over the mantle as the husband she bagged once while on safari. She believes that he is just drunk enough and stupid enough to mold into something she can call husband material. She has an insidious plan for the future, a plan which does not include softball. Deep inside she really hates coming to the games and being leered at by sex deprived old timers who whisper: “The things I could do to that”! The young man at this point is not looking for a relationship; he simply wants easily accessed sex. Who can blame him? Don’t we all? As hot as she may be, he will definitely blow this relationship in the long run, because his true love comes ice cold in aluminum cans. You can identify this kind of player simply by going over to his apartment to wake his drunk ass up on Sunday morning; his place will usually look like this.
STAGE 2: GLORY YEARS! This young man has now learned the game of softball and all its vast complexities. He is still single, and his only interests include drinking, sex and softball. He is now playing in two or three leagues and has really taken to the game. His relationship status remains unchanged and he continues to bring the eye candy to the games with him. His activities the night before the game will include the following:
POWER DRINKING
SEX
MORE DRINKING
BEING HUMILIATED BY FRIENDS
AND BEING AWAKEN BY HIS COACH IN THE MORNING
He is one of God’s most beautiful creatures!
STAGE 3: THE DESCENT! The player has matured a lot in the off season and is now starting to think about other activities beyond softball. He has a steady girlfriend who has got him thinking about such things as a meaningful career, school and marriage. This is the transitional stage that is known as the “The Curse of the Pink Triangle”. It happens to even the best of them, and eventually we all fall victim to it’s inescapable lure. On one episode of Seinfeld it was referred to as the “Kavorka”….the lure of the animal.
She will no longer attend the games and looks upon his friends with utter disdain. She will begin to say things like: “I can’t believe you hang around with these morons, what do you see in them anyway”. At this point the truth can only be seen by his friends.
The Bitch is Crazy!
His attendance at games is now spotty and he is sorely missed by his teammates, this causes a serious disruption in the chemistry of the team and the team itself begins to suffer. He can no longer be relied on to show up and will not answer his calls. The coach doesn’t want to throw him off the team because he is still a very good player when he shows up, but he certainly has become a problem. More importantly, he has forfeited his manhood and has relinquished his crown as king of the jungle and has become submissive, a mere shadow of what he once was.
STAGE 4: ROCK BOTTOM! The poor bastard has submitted to the dark side and has gotten married despite all the warnings from his friends. He is older now and not quite as good as he used to be since he only plays occasionally. Now he is essentially a part time player and shows up only when he doesn’t have to work or when he has no chores to do around the house. He misses games due to such things as weddings, christenings, or babysitting because his wife went out for a girl’s day at the spa with her friends. His skills have diminished and you could really care less if he showed up or not. He is suffering beneath the yoke of oppression and before long he is yearning to play more softball just to get away from the hell on earth of marriage. He is nothing more than a mere man-slave now and is pretty much useless as a softball player.
STAGE 5: This stage is comprised of two parts. The first part is the player has now realized what a mess he has made of his life and begins showing up more and more to softball just to get away from “THE WIFE” which usually signifies the second part is about to begin…DIVORCE. It is inevitable, look at the statistics if you think I’m lying. The thing about statistics is that no one believes them until they become one.
The player now gets divorced because he is sick of the torment she puts him through and she is sick of his escaping her torment by playing softball. He begins to drink heavily again and hangs out in the bars with the guys after the games. He is a miserable wretch but he is willing to buy so long as you keep him company. If you want an inexpensive day of drinking, hook up with this guy and drink all day on him, but be ready to hear all the sordid details of shit you really don’t want to hear.
As a player, he is now reliable once again and shows up every Sunday, but he is no longer the player he used to be. He is much heavier and slower than he used to be, but he has experience; and in softball experience is everything. He is confrontational with the umpires and opposing team players and is a time bomb ready to explode, ready to unleash his pain and anguish out on the first taker. Many times you will have to drive him home after a day of drinking and you will usually find him in the parking lot in his car looking something like this.
STAGE 6: REALIZATION! The player at this stage has some tough choices to make, retire and face the reality that he no longer can play the game or become a coach or manager and play here and there when teams are short of players who are in now in stage 3 or 4! In this stage, only then does a player understand what it is like to have to put up with players immersed in stage 3 and 4, and then and only then do they realize what it is like to try to fill a roster with all you sons-a-bitches.
There is one more category that pops up each and every year, a category that I call the “AMERICAN IDOL SYNDROME” Inevitably when you are recruiting for your team, there is always one guy who overhears the conversation and wants to join the team. He’ll tell you that he played little league and high school ball, but when he shows up he is nothing more than a danger to himself and others around him. I call this the “AMERICAN IDOL SYNDROME” because it is just like watching American Idol when some shit-head, who believes they actually have talent begins to sing and you are sitting there at home saying to yourself: “This asshole can’t seriously believe that he actually has talent”. And just like on American idol, they get extremely upset when you tell them thanks but no thanks, or when you simply tell them they suck.
Eventually we all wind up in the same spot, sitting at our local bar and remising about the days when we could all play the game. “Remember the time Ryno hit that shot at Foster field down the right field line that one hopped the fence, yeah Good times”!
See you out there, Mertog!
Entry #4 - 7/19/07
July 19, 2007
In my last offering I discussed some relevant sociological and psychological theories that have been swirling around for quite some time. I invoked the name of Dr. Abraham Maslow and spoke about his “Hierarchy of Needs” to the resounding response of “Huh”?
Okay, I know I should keep it simple, so here it is in plain English. “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” is a theory in psychology that Abraham Maslow proposed in his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation, which he subsequently extended to include his observations of humans’ innate curiosity. His theory contended that as humans meet “basic needs”, they seek to satisfy successively ‘higher needs’ that occupy a set hierarchy.
Apparently he did not study the species of man that simply want control over the remote, salty snacks, cold beer, an occasional steak, lots of meaningless sex and softball on Sunday mornings. Once we have attained this level of satisfaction, why move on? Do we really need or want to attain enlightenment and sit on a mat in some monastery contemplating the bigger questions in life? I don’t know about you, but I have no desire to be the Dalai Lama.
My good friend and softball legend Ian Smith, E-mailed me a couple of weeks ago with some suggested topics that I include in my weekly spew of drivel and one of them coincides perfectly with this weeks rant. Ian suggested that we talk about the “Evolution of the Softball Player”. I must admit this is an ingenious idea, but what exactly is the evolution of the softball player?
It is my opinion that women continue to evolve because they are never satisfied with anything, especially with us men, and men stopped evolving when they reached a level of satisfaction that was attained via the easiest route possible. Women continue to struggle while we men simply sit back and say “You go girl”! Which probably signifies why we have yielded so much power over us to them. Essentially we have been asleep at the wheel while they slowly have assumed control over us. Hey, why bust our balls when women want to do all the work? However this plan backfired on us and the effects can be seen by the ever diminishing number of softball players on a weekly basis. How many times have you heard, “Sorry guys I can’t play this week, my wife made plans”. So I guess if we were to chart the development of man himself it would probably look something like this.
Now it has come to my attention that Ryno, a man whom I have attempted to have taken out several times and have failed, will be getting married soon.
Ryno, you may have survived my elaborate schemes thus far but soon you shall know what it is like to suffer and will gladly welcome the sweet embrace of death to rid yourself of your self made prison cell that we laughingly refer to as the institution of married life. No longer do I have to plot and scheme to have your big ol’ country boy ass taken out, you have taken yourself out! Ryno, someday I will tell you, "I told you so!" Sure, they all seem sweet and innocent now, but wait until a year or two into your life sentence and you will see. That sweet and innocent girl will begin to change and when you tell her you’re going to play softball, “THE WIFE” will come out. This is what it looks like when the “THE WIFE” comes out! If you see this, run your ass off!
Then and only then will you realize that Good Old Uncle Mertog was right! But it will be too late by then and you will come to the realization that you are screwed for eternity.
All women are involved in a conspiracy to take over the world and dethrone us men. It has already begun to happen, and they have even printed up T-shirts that warn of the impending doom that is coming our way. HEED THE WARNINGS BOYS!
There are however, anomalies in every species, and women are no different. You can find a less dominant type of woman and make it work, but their life expectancy is very short. Tragically, many of them drown each year from looking up at all the pretty raindrops.
However, on the average it is all the same, eventually one day you will come home and find this waiting for you. Be afraid, be very afraid.
We change too, I won’t deny that. Many of us are no prize either. How many guys do you know that are like this?
This goes back to what Maslow was talking about, and we men are simply content to hang out on the bottom rung of his ladder and continue to be slaves to our most basic needs.
Eventually we will all find ourselves literally snapping at one point and will no longer simply take being squashed beneath the boot-heals of our oppressors. This can become very ugly and may even require a restraining order.
Ryno, Good luck to you my brother...you have been warned. Seriously though, I wish you the best!
Now that we have discussed the evolution of men and women, now we examine the evolution of the softball player. Let’s take a look at a simple chart to find out how we became what we are.
You can see from the illustration that we all evolved from ape into beer-cooler wielding sports fanatics. Apparently we used to like to watch the slow fat cave people run from the Dinosaurs. Next we evolved into a lower species of Softball player, much like you see here on Sunday mornings. From there we evolved into a softball player that plays on weeknights as well. They are a higher species of softball player than we lowly Sunday morning players. Lastly on the chart is what we become when women take the bat out of our hands, clean us up and mold us into what they call “husband material”. This is the last stage in a softball player’s life and he begins to use phraseology like “I have to go to a Christening this weekend, sorry fella’s I can’t play”. This is what I refer to as “Death of a Softball Player”. It is the saddest of all things that I have ever witnessed. Don’t let it happen to you!
Good Luck to all, see you out there!
Entry #3 - 7/9/07
July 9, 2007
Well there is a meeting this week, and for the managers of each respective team, that necessitates that we once again listen to the dreaded funeral hymn that is the reading of the by-laws. Thank you Mr. Roberts, for ensuring that this is done at every meeting per your “Rules of Order”.
So what is on the slate this week? The same old insipid topics that usually float around every week. There will be stern warning given to all players that drinking after the games, on or around the field will be met with severe discipline and perhaps even police action.
In my opinion this is a sad commentary on just what an uptight reactionary haven we live in today, when a few weary Sunday morning softball warriors, cannot indulge in a few of America’s best brews after two long arduous games of America’s favorite pastime for over-the-hill and usually overweight American male.
What would our ancestors think of us if they could see us now? The rugged individualists that forged this great country of ours would roll over in their graves if they were ever to see what all their work has made us become.
The rich rites and traditions of softball are dying, nearly as fast as those who once held them sacred. The cooler of ice cold beer that was an icon or at the very least a main staple of the Sunday morning warrior is now a serious offense.
We Sunday morning softball players are like King Leonidas and the softball field is the Thermopylae of a dying breed of aging warriors. And much like the 300 at Thermopylae, we have fallen to the enemy, and have been stripped of our last bastion of freedom, that being our beloved beer coolers.
We have been overrun by officious soccer moms driving mini-vans and pointing their condemnatory fingers in our direction, vilifying us for partaking in an adult beverage. As well as by their closely controlled husbands who are dragged closely behind at the end of a short leash. You can almost hear the pain in their voices as they call the police to report a bunch of hooligans tipping back a Budweiser at the local recreational facility. These poor souls have been dominated long ago by the shrill voice of their pedantic significant other and can barely muster the strength to gasp out “Yes Dear” as they explain to the Police that they were not able to speed walk around the field due to their fear of being accosted by a group of cooler wielding old guys wearing softball uniforms. You know deep in their hearts that they are still men struggling to finally build up the courage to say what they really want to say.
I guess what is really troubling to me is the fact that this is the most significant topic that we muster for a meeting. I have to admit that I kind of miss John Holt and all the villagers with their pitchforks and torches looking to burn some heretics. Last year J.R., Chris Moutlon, Bob Dutilly and I were like Hester Prynne and were castigated and forced to adorn the big red “C” on our chests to mark us as cheaters. This year has been quiet, too damn quiet. In reality I guess what I am doing is bitching about nothing to bitch about…ironic!
I find it truly sad when the most noteworthy topic of conversation is between Ryno and me, debating the crucial importance of the exact ingredients of a Pierogi. Just so everyone knows, we were all correct on the topic.
Another hot topic of conversation has revolved around women, a subject that has vexed all men for years. So what exactly is this mystical power that women hold over us and more importantly what is our fascination with certain parts of the female anatomy that turn us into drooling idiots. This is definitely a topic worthy of further discussion. So let’s try a little experiment.
How many of you can still remember what we were discussing? If most of you are like me, right now you are sitting there with there with an expression similar to this.
Let’s all wipe the drool off the keyboard and get back to the discussion at hand.
Now Ernie Wright discussed that he sought after Portuguese women because of their voracious sexual appetites and his affinity for Portuguese food. This indicates that Ernie is much like the rest of us and is still on the bottom rung of Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs”
When I really think about it, it must have been Maslow’s wife who came up with the ultimate goal of self-actualization and I’m willing to bet Maslow would have been perfectly content with sex, food and softball.
This is a perfect combination of our two favorite things all in one simple photo. This is all we really want, and what’s wrong with that?
I know our girlfriends and wives all think of us as unsophisticated and are all under the impression that we don’t understand them, and we don’t, because they are so inexplicably complex. We on the other hand should be wondering why they don’t understand us, since our needs are so rudimentary. Perhaps we should bring in a counselor to explain it to them.
It is just that simple ladies!
So I leave you with this thought, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a man and don’t let any woman change that need for you to indulge in your primal passions. Sure we may all possess some “atavistic anomalies” in our DNA; this would certainly explain a lot of things. If you think about it we put down our caveman clubs and picked up a Miken Freak in its place. You can’t fight what you are. There has been extensive research on this subject by Steven Pinkerton who is an expert on human nature. Men are what they are because of our genetic makeup. The upper body strength, the canine teeth, and the presence of testosterone in our system are all indicative that we were bread for violence and aggression, and we need a proper outlet to release this beast that lurks beneath our skin. Without our beloved softball we could inadvertently release the raging monster at the wrong time, such as a dinner party or family outing. So softball in a sense is the last place where we men can still be men and not get arrested…unless of course we have a cooler of beer with us.
See you out there!
Entry #2 -----7/1/07
July 1, 2007
PLANET MERTOG
Can somebody explain to me where have all the good times gone? Where is all the controversy that creates all the good gossip here on the “Smack” forum? Am I to believe that all the controversy was created by John Holt and when he left he took all of that ugly baggage with him? I know that he was annoying at the managers meetings bordering on being almost as painful as sitting through the slow, monotone dirge that is the reading of the by-laws by Mr. Baxter, but he couldn’t have been responsible for all the controversy around here. Anyway here is my salute to Mr. John Holt.
So let’s rewind to last year and recap all the controversies that occurred just one short year ago. Speaking of John Holt he was the center of the near all out brawl between the VFW and Tri-State, and I can only imagine that Artie must have put on a pretty good show at that one. And speaking of my buddy Artie, I saw him on TV recently managing yet another team.
Now that I think of it, there has been a small rumor circulating about VFW and Coventry Firefighters having a slight skirmish this year. The details are sketchy but I’m told it got kind of hairy for a moment or two. Perhaps someone would like to chime in on this one and give us all the dirt. I haven’t heard anything from Ryno on this situation so I can only imagine he hasn’t heard of this yet and I’m sure he is frothing at the bit for a piece of good gossip. To be honest with you, so am I, I need the material.
Not to pick on Artie, but once again wasn’t it he who started a near brawl with his own roommate last year at the PNA? All I remember is Artie yelling something like: “Who wants a shot at the title?”
Then of course there was the infamous scandal involving the Village Pub and Chris Moulton, who allegedly were using illegal players. I’m still kind of troubled by this to be honest and still have not gotten a full explanation as to how this all occurred. Suffice it to say that both teams were acquitted of any wrong doing and the whole incident was dismissed. I also recall that John Holt took a ride up to Gloster to find out if one of my players was playing there too and whether or not it was a “pick-up” league, just to scoop another two wins. Dear John, thank you for leaving the league, please don’t come back. That’s not a request by the way.
There was the famous incident involving the PNA getting suspended for a slight run in with the Coventry police after one of their games. Apparently some soccer moms or dads were upset that a bunch of elderly softball players were hanging around drinking beer in the parking lot after the games and decided to call the police. A bunch of old guys getting rowdy, what has the world come to?
Then, perhaps the biggest controversy occurred when it was discovered that Bob Dutilly was actually an illegal player. The biggest part of this scandal was a mysterious letter that arrived from out of state that “ratted out” our good friend Bob. Jr’s had to forfeit some games and was eliminated from the playoffs. To this date no one really knows for sure who the “whistle blower” was. Just to clarify, Tri-state was the only team that really benefited from Jr’s being tossed out.
This year has been quiet, so what exactly is going on here? We need some good controversy and gossip around here to liven things up a little bit. Can somebody take Artie out drinking so we have something to talk about? When is the next PNA tournament that usually generates some good smack? Who will step up and be the leagues next John Holt?
BONUS!
One tell-tale sign of the imminent coming of the apocalypse is when people start asking me for advice. If it were not for the careful scrutiny of “THE WIFE” I wouldn’t even be able to dress myself in the morning. She handles all the day to day affairs that life dictates that you address, while I play on the computer and look at her with a blank stare…”HUH”? This usually works and she will go off shaking her head in disgust, partly disgusted with me for being so lost and partly at herself because she realizes that somewhere she took a wrong turn on the winding pathways of life and married an idiot like me.
I have carefully honed this skill and it works for me in just about any situation that arises in which I feel the need to avoid actually answering a question. It is my equivalent of shoving an entire TWIX bar in my mouth.
So whenever anyone asks me for advice I usually refer them to “THE WIFE” who will happily give them more than an adequate quantity of her accumulated wisdom that would only be wasted on the likes of me and may actually serve some purpose to the semi-intelligent person.
This is why I nearly blew an O-ring when I opened my E-mail this week and saw the following letter from a distraught reader, seeking someone to turn to. It read as follows:
Dear Uncle Mertog,
I am a 23 year old man who has been dating the same girl for about a year now and we are thinking of getting married. I play softball a lot and I can’t get enough of it. I especially enjoy my Sunday’s after softball, hanging out with the guys and drinking a few beers and having a few laughs. But my girlfriend has been talking a lot lately about how once we are married we can take Sunday trips out to see her family and all the wonderful things we will do. She has already expressed that Sunday will be a family day and softball will be out of the question. I was reading your post on the website about your wife and I was wondering is it really that bad? How do I tell her I want to play softball on Sunday’s and not go to her family’s house in Connecticut? I really love this girl and I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want to give up my Sunday morning softball. Mert, what should I do?
Softball Junkie
Normally my first response would be “HUH”? Then I would sit there with a blank stare on my face until the person went away shaking their head in absolute disgust, partly at me for being such a moron and partly at themselves for actually seeking advice from an idiot. But in this case I actually feel compelled to respond, due to the dire consequences involved here. So here it is for better or worse, and most likely the only time you will ever hear me give good advice.
This is very common situation amongst any man who has ever laced up his cleats and donned the proud uniform of his favorite watering hole! There are several ways this ugly situation can go; it all depends on what types of people you and she are.
Firstly, do you have to get married, if you know what I mean? If not, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free.” As my good friend Don “The Predator” Frye once said:
Once you get married, three things are going to happen. 1) She is going to gain weight. 2) She is going to get mean. 3) The sex will stop. Don’t do it son, don’t ever do it.
Don definitely has some points but there are exceptions to every rule and some thing you must carefully consider before you make a choice either way.
1. You can only play softball for so long before you begin to fall apart, thus you only have so many years to enjoy the game before you have to concede the fact that you can no longer play. Age catches up to all of us eventually and you will have to face that fact or just do what the rest of the elderly players do and play for the PNA. You can always get married when you are done playing.
2. Does your girlfriend eat bananas like this? If so forget everything I said and marry her immediately. Forget about softball and just move on.
/
Yes, once again I resorted to the gratuitous simulated fellatio shot that has become a main staple in my posts.
Good luck this week guys, see you out there.
Can somebody explain to me where have all the good times gone? Where is all the controversy that creates all the good gossip here on the “Smack” forum? Am I to believe that all the controversy was created by John Holt and when he left he took all of that ugly baggage with him? I know that he was annoying at the managers meetings bordering on being almost as painful as sitting through the slow, monotone dirge that is the reading of the by-laws by Mr. Baxter, but he couldn’t have been responsible for all the controversy around here. Anyway here is my salute to Mr. John Holt.
So let’s rewind to last year and recap all the controversies that occurred just one short year ago. Speaking of John Holt he was the center of the near all out brawl between the VFW and Tri-State, and I can only imagine that Artie must have put on a pretty good show at that one. And speaking of my buddy Artie, I saw him on TV recently managing yet another team.
Now that I think of it, there has been a small rumor circulating about VFW and Coventry Firefighters having a slight skirmish this year. The details are sketchy but I’m told it got kind of hairy for a moment or two. Perhaps someone would like to chime in on this one and give us all the dirt. I haven’t heard anything from Ryno on this situation so I can only imagine he hasn’t heard of this yet and I’m sure he is frothing at the bit for a piece of good gossip. To be honest with you, so am I, I need the material.
Not to pick on Artie, but once again wasn’t it he who started a near brawl with his own roommate last year at the PNA? All I remember is Artie yelling something like: “Who wants a shot at the title?”
Then of course there was the infamous scandal involving the Village Pub and Chris Moulton, who allegedly were using illegal players. I’m still kind of troubled by this to be honest and still have not gotten a full explanation as to how this all occurred. Suffice it to say that both teams were acquitted of any wrong doing and the whole incident was dismissed. I also recall that John Holt took a ride up to Gloster to find out if one of my players was playing there too and whether or not it was a “pick-up” league, just to scoop another two wins. Dear John, thank you for leaving the league, please don’t come back. That’s not a request by the way.
There was the famous incident involving the PNA getting suspended for a slight run in with the Coventry police after one of their games. Apparently some soccer moms or dads were upset that a bunch of elderly softball players were hanging around drinking beer in the parking lot after the games and decided to call the police. A bunch of old guys getting rowdy, what has the world come to?
Then, perhaps the biggest controversy occurred when it was discovered that Bob Dutilly was actually an illegal player. The biggest part of this scandal was a mysterious letter that arrived from out of state that “ratted out” our good friend Bob. Jr’s had to forfeit some games and was eliminated from the playoffs. To this date no one really knows for sure who the “whistle blower” was. Just to clarify, Tri-state was the only team that really benefited from Jr’s being tossed out.
This year has been quiet, so what exactly is going on here? We need some good controversy and gossip around here to liven things up a little bit. Can somebody take Artie out drinking so we have something to talk about? When is the next PNA tournament that usually generates some good smack? Who will step up and be the leagues next John Holt?
BONUS!
One tell-tale sign of the imminent coming of the apocalypse is when people start asking me for advice. If it were not for the careful scrutiny of “THE WIFE” I wouldn’t even be able to dress myself in the morning. She handles all the day to day affairs that life dictates that you address, while I play on the computer and look at her with a blank stare…”HUH”? This usually works and she will go off shaking her head in disgust, partly disgusted with me for being so lost and partly at herself because she realizes that somewhere she took a wrong turn on the winding pathways of life and married an idiot like me.
I have carefully honed this skill and it works for me in just about any situation that arises in which I feel the need to avoid actually answering a question. It is my equivalent of shoving an entire TWIX bar in my mouth.
So whenever anyone asks me for advice I usually refer them to “THE WIFE” who will happily give them more than an adequate quantity of her accumulated wisdom that would only be wasted on the likes of me and may actually serve some purpose to the semi-intelligent person.
This is why I nearly blew an O-ring when I opened my E-mail this week and saw the following letter from a distraught reader, seeking someone to turn to. It read as follows:
Dear Uncle Mertog,
I am a 23 year old man who has been dating the same girl for about a year now and we are thinking of getting married. I play softball a lot and I can’t get enough of it. I especially enjoy my Sunday’s after softball, hanging out with the guys and drinking a few beers and having a few laughs. But my girlfriend has been talking a lot lately about how once we are married we can take Sunday trips out to see her family and all the wonderful things we will do. She has already expressed that Sunday will be a family day and softball will be out of the question. I was reading your post on the website about your wife and I was wondering is it really that bad? How do I tell her I want to play softball on Sunday’s and not go to her family’s house in Connecticut? I really love this girl and I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want to give up my Sunday morning softball. Mert, what should I do?
Softball Junkie
Normally my first response would be “HUH”? Then I would sit there with a blank stare on my face until the person went away shaking their head in absolute disgust, partly at me for being such a moron and partly at themselves for actually seeking advice from an idiot. But in this case I actually feel compelled to respond, due to the dire consequences involved here. So here it is for better or worse, and most likely the only time you will ever hear me give good advice.
This is very common situation amongst any man who has ever laced up his cleats and donned the proud uniform of his favorite watering hole! There are several ways this ugly situation can go; it all depends on what types of people you and she are.
Firstly, do you have to get married, if you know what I mean? If not, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free.” As my good friend Don “The Predator” Frye once said:
Once you get married, three things are going to happen. 1) She is going to gain weight. 2) She is going to get mean. 3) The sex will stop. Don’t do it son, don’t ever do it.
Don definitely has some points but there are exceptions to every rule and some thing you must carefully consider before you make a choice either way.
1. You can only play softball for so long before you begin to fall apart, thus you only have so many years to enjoy the game before you have to concede the fact that you can no longer play. Age catches up to all of us eventually and you will have to face that fact or just do what the rest of the elderly players do and play for the PNA. You can always get married when you are done playing.
2. Does your girlfriend eat bananas like this? If so forget everything I said and marry her immediately. Forget about softball and just move on.
/
Yes, once again I resorted to the gratuitous simulated fellatio shot that has become a main staple in my posts.
Good luck this week guys, see you out there.
Entry #1
June 26, 2007 – 11:00 PM
Planet Mertog
It’s funny how shit happens sometimes. I’m sitting at home today, pondering the various complexities of the Coventry Men’s Slo-Pitch Softball league and the crucial significance a win or loss may have upon the teams who so crave the coveted prized playoff spots, while hammering away at my keyboard in order to produce my weekly mindless rant that I call “Mertog’s Picks”. The Wife comes in the room and starts admonishing me for being on the computer again instead of doing something constructive.
Now you should all be aware that “THE WIFE” is not the wonderful woman I married many years ago, but rather a form of subspecies that mutated somehow from my wife. There is a distinct difference between my wife and the character known as “THE WIFE”. My wife is the wonderful woman who brings the cooler full of Gatorade and water to the games each Sunday and is nice to everyone around her. “THE WIFE” is the name I have given to this other creature that resides inside the body of my wife. She is very critical of every dumb thing I do. She usually only comes out when I’m on the computer instead of painting the house or cutting the grass.
So I do my best to explain to her how important that softball is in the grand scheme of the universe and how softball is simply a metaphor for life itself. She looks at me and says: “You’re an idiot”! I cannot argue with her, that would only anger “THE WIFE” and when that happens…people die. Besides, she is right and this fact is well documented and even video taped in some instances. I’m sure if you ask her she will be more than willing to cite various examples of my idiocy.
The phone rings and it is my good friend Ian Smith, who I find to be a “Man-God” and a local legend in our little corner of the softball universe, as well as being just one “helluva” guy. Yes, Ian I’m at it again…I just can’t help myself.
I had to get that out of the way, according to Smitty I am legendary for performing verbal fellatio on all my opponents’ teams. If you want to feel good about yourself, just play the Pub Mertog will build you up to God status!
So anyway, Smitty tells me that apparently people actually take the time to read this shit and even more bemusing to me is that they actually enjoy it. Apparently the old adage is true; there really is no accounting for taste. So he goes on to ask me if I would be interested in whipping up some something for the website to keep my fellow softball ilk amused. I am thrilled at the opportunity and really, what better things do you have to do anyway…download porn? But I know you guys are looking for something with a little more culture…so here you go.
Now that’s art!
You know, now that I think of it…I’m walking across the street to the Village Pub two weeks ago and a car drives by and beeps the horn and a couple of people yell, “Hey Mertog!” It kind of reminded me of a Seinfeld episode where Kramer is walking around and people were yelling:”Hey, Assman”. Every single game, guys walk up to me and ask which one of you guys is “Mertog” and I sheepishly answer…”Me”. Not knowing if the guy is going to punch me in the face or if he just wants to know who the idiot is! Is this the 15 minutes of fame that Andy Warhol spoke of? Yes, I am a publicity whore and have no problem making an ass out of myself. Once again “THE WIFE” will attest to this and back it up with documented facts.
So I gladly accepted Smitty’s proposal to write something I hope you all will find at least mildly entertaining, and if you don’t like it take it up with Ryno.
So this weeks Planet Mertog is focused on the big USSSA controversy that has the league all abuzz. I have to say that I would really hate to see some “jack-off” do a cartwheel or a Michael Jackson impersonation before throwing the ball. As Artie would say…”Kitchens open Bitch”. I would probably piss myself silly if after all the antics the pitcher took one in his “snot-locker” for being such an annoying prick. My opinion is just pitch the ball jackass, I didn’t ask for a dinner show. I have no use for the fakes either, what’s the point it’s softball? I don’t see any of that silly shit in baseball or any other form of softball so why does it need to be here? It’s a man’s game and all of those silly antics are just way too childish for me to bear.
I’ve talked to a lot of guys about it and I have heard varying opinions, but most tell me they like USSSA better than ASA, yet no one can really articulate why? Is the difference in arc that big of a deal? Some people claim it is better for some of the baseball players to hit since it is closer to what they are used to. That’s all well and good, but if guys wanted to play baseball instead of softball they would be playing baseball. I have some baseball players on my team, and they seem to hit the pitches pretty damn good just the way they are now. So that argument isn’t going to cut it for me.
The arguments that will work for me is if the umpiring crews are better, because I have to tell you that many of the umpires we have now just plain suck. Particularly Raleigh! This guy is always in a rush to be somewhere else other than where he actually is. He has screwed over several teams and made obvious blatant errors in his calls just to get the games over with so he can go put a porking to another league. I have what is now known as the Raleigh rule; the umps do not get paid until both games are over. If you have to leave early I guess you aren’t getting paid.
I’m told he has literally stood on the field at 9:30 trying to start the game early so he can leave and go somewhere else to collect his next 50 bucks. So I guess that my personal opinion is if the USSSA eliminates the “douche bag” element than it might be something to consider. This is for my buddy Raleigh.
I’m also told that a move to USSSA will save the league money as well, and this is a valid argument that needs to be discussed more during the winter months when rule changes and things of this nature are done. If we can save money and increase the quality of play, and secure better umpiring then I am all for it. But will it increase the quality of play?
Another thing that ought to be taken into consideration is the bats and the balls. The balls are harder and are 500 compression I believe, which are murder on some bats. Most of the bats teams already have are tuned for .375 compression. So many teams will incur costs of buying new bats or risk screwing up the ones they have. Some teams already have these bats so it is not a problem, but for others it could be just another added expense.
Also I have been told; the homeruns will increase exponentially since just about anyone can hit homers including guys like me who are normally just “Punch and Judy” hitters. I’ve also been told by many people that this does hurt the overall quality of the game itself.
Once again, I can’t speak definitively on any of this because I have never played USSSA, but I will say it does warrant further discussion. However, if you guys do decide on going USSSA…any pitcher doing a cartwheel or stupid shit like that during a game with the Pub gets the “Pimp Hand”. I'm Rick James Bitch!
It’s funny how shit happens sometimes. I’m sitting at home today, pondering the various complexities of the Coventry Men’s Slo-Pitch Softball league and the crucial significance a win or loss may have upon the teams who so crave the coveted prized playoff spots, while hammering away at my keyboard in order to produce my weekly mindless rant that I call “Mertog’s Picks”. The Wife comes in the room and starts admonishing me for being on the computer again instead of doing something constructive.
Now you should all be aware that “THE WIFE” is not the wonderful woman I married many years ago, but rather a form of subspecies that mutated somehow from my wife. There is a distinct difference between my wife and the character known as “THE WIFE”. My wife is the wonderful woman who brings the cooler full of Gatorade and water to the games each Sunday and is nice to everyone around her. “THE WIFE” is the name I have given to this other creature that resides inside the body of my wife. She is very critical of every dumb thing I do. She usually only comes out when I’m on the computer instead of painting the house or cutting the grass.
So I do my best to explain to her how important that softball is in the grand scheme of the universe and how softball is simply a metaphor for life itself. She looks at me and says: “You’re an idiot”! I cannot argue with her, that would only anger “THE WIFE” and when that happens…people die. Besides, she is right and this fact is well documented and even video taped in some instances. I’m sure if you ask her she will be more than willing to cite various examples of my idiocy.
The phone rings and it is my good friend Ian Smith, who I find to be a “Man-God” and a local legend in our little corner of the softball universe, as well as being just one “helluva” guy. Yes, Ian I’m at it again…I just can’t help myself.
I had to get that out of the way, according to Smitty I am legendary for performing verbal fellatio on all my opponents’ teams. If you want to feel good about yourself, just play the Pub Mertog will build you up to God status!
So anyway, Smitty tells me that apparently people actually take the time to read this shit and even more bemusing to me is that they actually enjoy it. Apparently the old adage is true; there really is no accounting for taste. So he goes on to ask me if I would be interested in whipping up some something for the website to keep my fellow softball ilk amused. I am thrilled at the opportunity and really, what better things do you have to do anyway…download porn? But I know you guys are looking for something with a little more culture…so here you go.
Now that’s art!
You know, now that I think of it…I’m walking across the street to the Village Pub two weeks ago and a car drives by and beeps the horn and a couple of people yell, “Hey Mertog!” It kind of reminded me of a Seinfeld episode where Kramer is walking around and people were yelling:”Hey, Assman”. Every single game, guys walk up to me and ask which one of you guys is “Mertog” and I sheepishly answer…”Me”. Not knowing if the guy is going to punch me in the face or if he just wants to know who the idiot is! Is this the 15 minutes of fame that Andy Warhol spoke of? Yes, I am a publicity whore and have no problem making an ass out of myself. Once again “THE WIFE” will attest to this and back it up with documented facts.
So I gladly accepted Smitty’s proposal to write something I hope you all will find at least mildly entertaining, and if you don’t like it take it up with Ryno.
So this weeks Planet Mertog is focused on the big USSSA controversy that has the league all abuzz. I have to say that I would really hate to see some “jack-off” do a cartwheel or a Michael Jackson impersonation before throwing the ball. As Artie would say…”Kitchens open Bitch”. I would probably piss myself silly if after all the antics the pitcher took one in his “snot-locker” for being such an annoying prick. My opinion is just pitch the ball jackass, I didn’t ask for a dinner show. I have no use for the fakes either, what’s the point it’s softball? I don’t see any of that silly shit in baseball or any other form of softball so why does it need to be here? It’s a man’s game and all of those silly antics are just way too childish for me to bear.
I’ve talked to a lot of guys about it and I have heard varying opinions, but most tell me they like USSSA better than ASA, yet no one can really articulate why? Is the difference in arc that big of a deal? Some people claim it is better for some of the baseball players to hit since it is closer to what they are used to. That’s all well and good, but if guys wanted to play baseball instead of softball they would be playing baseball. I have some baseball players on my team, and they seem to hit the pitches pretty damn good just the way they are now. So that argument isn’t going to cut it for me.
The arguments that will work for me is if the umpiring crews are better, because I have to tell you that many of the umpires we have now just plain suck. Particularly Raleigh! This guy is always in a rush to be somewhere else other than where he actually is. He has screwed over several teams and made obvious blatant errors in his calls just to get the games over with so he can go put a porking to another league. I have what is now known as the Raleigh rule; the umps do not get paid until both games are over. If you have to leave early I guess you aren’t getting paid.
I’m told he has literally stood on the field at 9:30 trying to start the game early so he can leave and go somewhere else to collect his next 50 bucks. So I guess that my personal opinion is if the USSSA eliminates the “douche bag” element than it might be something to consider. This is for my buddy Raleigh.
I’m also told that a move to USSSA will save the league money as well, and this is a valid argument that needs to be discussed more during the winter months when rule changes and things of this nature are done. If we can save money and increase the quality of play, and secure better umpiring then I am all for it. But will it increase the quality of play?
Another thing that ought to be taken into consideration is the bats and the balls. The balls are harder and are 500 compression I believe, which are murder on some bats. Most of the bats teams already have are tuned for .375 compression. So many teams will incur costs of buying new bats or risk screwing up the ones they have. Some teams already have these bats so it is not a problem, but for others it could be just another added expense.
Also I have been told; the homeruns will increase exponentially since just about anyone can hit homers including guys like me who are normally just “Punch and Judy” hitters. I’ve also been told by many people that this does hurt the overall quality of the game itself.
Once again, I can’t speak definitively on any of this because I have never played USSSA, but I will say it does warrant further discussion. However, if you guys do decide on going USSSA…any pitcher doing a cartwheel or stupid shit like that during a game with the Pub gets the “Pimp Hand”. I'm Rick James Bitch!
